


This Love

by myloveiamthespeedofsound



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Age of Ultron minus Ultron, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Based on a Tumblr Post, Eventual Smut, F/M, Messy relationships are messy, Natasha Feels, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parenthood, Steve Feels, semi Age of Ultron compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-31 08:05:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 76,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6462421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myloveiamthespeedofsound/pseuds/myloveiamthespeedofsound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over four years ago Natasha Romanoff disappeared off the face of the earth.  When she returns nothing will ever be the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a tumblr post that @yvonne228 tagged me in: can someone pls give me a ‘you left 3 yrs ago in the middle of the night with not even a goodbye letter and now you’re on my door step w a kid that looks exactly like me’ plot pls
> 
> A huge thank you to my fellow Romanogers writers for helping me work some of this out, especially multi-fandom-crazy-fangirl and heyfrenchfreudiana.

_Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in_  
_And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will_  
_Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again_  
_And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone_  
  
_In silent screams,_  
_In wildest dreams_  
_I never dreamed of this_  
_this love - taylor swift_

 

The last time Steve Rogers saw Natasha Romanoff was a Tuesday afternoon in November.  If he’d known it would be the last he’d see her for over four years, well, he might have gone with something better than _see you later_ when she headed out the door.  He might have set down the Stark pad he’d been using to file mission notes.  He might have walked her to the door, pushed her up against it and kissed her for all she was worth.  He might have dropped to one knee and pulled out the ring that had been tucked into his sock drawer for three weeks, told her just how much she meant to him and made an honest woman of her.  More than anything he would have made damn sure she had never walked out the door at all.

Instead though he said _see you later_ and barely glanced up from the mission notes, he let her see herself out and fooled himself into thinking it was just another Tuesday afternoon.  He let himself assume she’d be back once she’d run her errands, maybe with dinner and a bottle of wine in hand.  He assumed they’d fall back into their routine, they’d find some movie to watch, crack open the wine, make out on the couch like teenagers and make love before falling asleep wrapped up in each other.  That that day would be just another day he loved Natasha with everything he had, and she him.    
  
He’d assumed wrong.  
  
If he had known what he’d know later he wouldn’t have given it time.  He wouldn’t have wasted those precious hours that he tried to ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach thinking that maybe she just needed space.  That it was Natasha and that was what Natasha _did._  She pulled away and sometimes for no reason whatsoever.  He wouldn’t have given it even a second, let alone a day for the trail to go cold, for her to get out of the country and out of his grasp.  For _them_ to get out of reach.  
  
Hindsight, in addition to being 20/20, was a bitch.  
  
By the time Steve had listened to his gut and started to look in earnest, Natasha had been long gone.  Every number out of service, nothing on any of her credit cards, there were no hits on security cameras, nothing out of any airport they had Stark’s systems comb through footage for.  Of course, he realized bitterly, why _would_ there be.  If Natasha wanted to disappear she was one of few in the world who could do it without a trace.  For the life of him though he just couldn’t figure out _why_ she would want to.    
  
Days stretched into weeks - weeks into months.  He all but turned the world over to try to find even a scrape of a clue.  He withdrew from everyone and everything.  He got angry, he got bitter.  He got _mean._ Until Clint reminded him he wasn’t the only one who had lost her and punched some sense back into him.  Literally.  The intelligence community was in shambles following the collapse of SHIELD, HYDRA was still out there and the world needed Captain America, not a man who couldn’t hack a broken heart.    
  
So he sucked it up, he did his job and put his emotions on the back burner.  Months turned into a year and he faked it until he started to buy it a little himself. He didn’t _stop_ , he just prioritized.  And in his downtime he had two ghosts to chase after instead of one.  Late at night, when he didn't have anyone to pretend for, he wondered if he was just fated to always lose the people he loved the most.  He went through the motions, he poured himself into his work.  He existed but he didn’t truly _live_.

One day a postcard showed up in his mailbox, nondescript and without a hint of location, but he’d recognize the writing anywhere.  

 _Stop looking._  
  
They recruited Sharon because she’s damn good and a waste of an asset in the CIA.  For weeks all he could see when he looked at her was Natasha that afternoon in the cemetery; _you should call that nurse._  

They fight the good fight and it takes a year, but it finally feels like he’s coming back up for air.  He stopped seeing Natasha every time he looked at Sharon.  He stopped looking for her in the middle of the night when he'd wake up and for a moment forget she was gone. He slowly but surely started to put his pieces back into something resembling a person.  He cautiously takes Sharon for coffee.  He put away the last remnants of Natasha into a box along with the ring and put it in the back of his closet.  He began to move on.

When he found Bucky it’s Sharon who was by his side, and when the weeks and months of trying to save Bucky’s sanity stretched on, it was Sharon who kept him from flying off the edge.  Coffee turned into dinner and one day she looked up at him and said _are you ever going to kiss me._  So he did.

It was nice and calm, it was knowing where he stood from day to day, and she’s easy to say I love you, easy to move in and move their relationship forward without all the trepidation and hesitation Natasha had had.  He feels like an asshole because he knows it’s not the same, he knows his heart isn’t in it the way hers is, but it’s _enough_ .  He loved her.  He really did.  She’d stood by him when not many others did in regards to Bucky.  She made him feel like he was wanted again, that maybe he was worth more than being left on a Tuesday afternoon in November without so much as a goodbye.   He was happy.   He tried to convince himself it was okay that sometimes he'd look for red hair, for green eyes and that _look_ that Natasha used to give him.  He tried to convince himself that just because he still wondered that didn’t mean he hadn’t moved on.  He had.  Moved on.  
  
Until one late summer day when there’s a knock on his door.  
  
He expected the delivery guy.  He expected a normal Friday evening.  He expected _anything_ but her.  And in one split second as his eyes met hers he knows he’s not over her.  He never had been.  He never _would_ be.  How could he.  But the sight of her is like a punch to the gut and it hurt more than he’d ever imagined anything could.  Backlit by the sinking sun on the steps of the brownstone he and Sharon had bought together, hair aflame and that deadly calm that he loved and loathed all at once.    
  
“Babe, is that the  - “ Sharon’s words are cut off as she came to the door and saw Natasha.  Her hand - and Steve’s not sure if it’s supportive or possessive - moved to his arm and gripped it tight.    
  
“I need your help,” Natasha said.  No hello.  No apology.  Just I need your help.  Like she hadn’t vanished off the face of the earth nearly four years ago.  Like she hadn’t caused irreparable damage to the person she claimed to love.  Like this was just a regular Friday evening and not the end of the world.    
  
Steve doesn’t much hear her though.  Because how ever much it hurt to look at her, it paled in comparison to when his eyes looked downward.  When he spotted the tiny slip of a girl who clung to Natasha’s leg.  When he took in the strawberry blonde hair, Natasha’s full lips and the distinctive nose taking shape in the girl’s features.  Features that weren’t quite a baby anymore, but not quite a _child_ yet.  However much _anything_ had hurt since Natasha left it didn’t even _touch_ the moment he saw his own eyes stare back up at him.    
  
And just like that everything he had ever known for the past four years changed.

 

* * *

 

Her hands trembled as she ripped open the box and she cursed under her breath as the contents spilled to the floor. This wasn't happening. This _couldn't_ be happening. It wasn't _supposed_ to happen.  She’d been sick for weeks, run down, not feeling herself. She’d declined the test in medical - because it wasn’t supposed to be _possible._  But as the days passed on and everything else came back negative she couldn’t stop the idea from burrowing its way into her mind.   _What if._    
  
She took four more after the first one came back positive.  
  
Two sets of double lines, a plus sign, a simple _pregnant_ , and one happy face.  

She bundled them all in a bag, made sure every slip of packaging and receipt was accounted for, and tossed it in a garbage can three blocks away.  She had no idea what to do.  She had no contingency plan for this because this was _not supposed to happen._  The Red Room had made sure of it.  She used a false identity and went to a clinic in Newark and got the same result.

_Pregnant._

One word.  Two syllables. Eight letters.  And a million ways it would change her life.  Steve’s life.    
  
They’d talked about it once.  Back when _well what if I wanted to call you instead_ had gone from midnight phone calls when she was scraping together new covers and he was looking for Bucky to midnight coffee at her place, to sleeping together, and then to realizing that the thing they had was actually a very serious thing.  Whatever fear she’d had of holding Steve back from a life had been waylaid - she _couldn’t_ and he _wouldn’t._  Being Captain America would always come first and who was he to bring a child into that.  

 _You have choices_ the doctor had said and handed her an array of pamphlets.  She tossed them in the garbage on her way out.  She knew the choices.  Abortion, adoption.  Neither she could stomach.  She’d been a harbinger of death for so long and the very thought of removing the life growing inside of her before it even had a chance to live made her feel sick.  She couldn’t give them up to someone else - what if the serum that had so dramatically changed Steve flowed in their blood?  Captain America’s child would need to be kept safe.  She couldn’t trust that to anyone else.  
  
The thought prickled through the back of her mind, swirled around and grasped hold in the middle of the night.  It was a whisper that turned into a scream.  

_Leave._

She knew Steve would do the noble thing.  The _right_ thing.  He force himself into a situation he had never wanted because it was just that.  The right thing.  He’d try to juggle being Captain America with being a father and grow frustrated because no matter how much he tried, one would always suffer.  He’d put away Bucky, he'd stop looking and fall further into the guilt of what had happened to his friend.  She could see it all play out in front of her.  He’d insist on marrying her, they’d do alright for a while, but soon the frustration of trying to balance the life they were never supposed to have with the life they _knew_ would tear them apart.  It would tear _him_ apart.

_Leave._

And on a Tuesday afternoon in November - before she would start showing, before she could change her mind - she did just that.  
  
She went to South America.  She gave birth in a tiny hospital in a tiny town in Columbia where no one spoke English and no one asked questions when she handed over more money than any of them had ever seen in their lives.  There was no birth certificate - none with her real name at least.

_Aleksandra Sarah Romanoff-Rogers._

Six pounds, seven ounces.  Nineteen and a half inches long, and absolutely perfect.

It didn't happen overnight, but somewhere between cluster feeding throughout the night, more diapers than she could count, that little bit of weight that stubbornly refused to come off, and being convinced that it’s a smile despite all the books and websites saying it’s just gas, Natasha looked at her reflection and saw something she’d never thought she would.   _Mother._  
  
She didn’t allow herself the luxury of staying in one place too long, or making friends, or using anything but a stack of aliases and fake identification.  She stuck to warmer places, but in the middle of the night when she looked for Steve beside her in the bed it was still colder than she could imagine despite the humid heat.  She missed him.  She watched their daughter get bigger and bigger and saw him in every moment of it.  She tried to convince herself she had done the right thing.  She tried to come to terms with the guilt, with the gnawing _ache_ that was his absence.    
  
Weeks turned into months.  Months turned into years.  Aleksandra grows faster than Natasha could have ever imagined.  And despite the pain of her decision to leave Steve, she’s happy none the less.  How could she not be?  Her daughter was beautiful, amazing, and filled all those missing pieces she had carried around for so many years.  It wasn’t normal by any stretch of the imagination, they moved around too much, they never planted roots outside of each other, there wasn’t daycare and birthday parties, but despite all that Natasha was content.  Grounded in a way she had never known.  Her whole world began and ended with Aleksandra and she was more than fine with that.  
  
It started slowly.  A bruise here and there that wouldn’t heal.  Which was wrong - it had become clear from early on that Aleksandra was special in so many ways, that the serum had indeed been passed along.  So the bruises that started to dot her skin, ugly purple blotches that refused to go away were cause for concern.  The rash that followed even more.  


Natasha had never been so terrified in her life.  
  
She immediately went back to the States and showed up at the lab she’d tracked Bruce Banner down to.  He ran every test he could think of and in the end had only a vague answer - that something in Alex’s version of the serum had gone haywire and was hurting her body instead of helping it.  He had even less for ideas other than using Steve’s blood to flood her system and kick start the healing again.  
  
It wasn’t even a question.  She’d take whatever anger Steve would have.  She’d deal with the repercussions of her decision a million times over if it meant keeping Alex safe, if it meant saving her life.  Of course that didn’t make it _easy._ It was the hardest damn thing - and she’d given _birth_ \- to stand at his front door and knock.  To stand there when he opened it, make eye contact and _want_ in some crushingly aching way to do nothing but collapse into his arms.  But he wasn’t hers.  He never would be again and when Sharon placed her hand on his arm she tried her damndest to keep her face neutral and impassive.  He wasn’t hers.  

“I need your help.”  But he wasn’t looking at her.  Aleksandra’s arm tightened on her leg and Natasha could _see_ Steve’s mind put the pieces into place.    
  
And just like that everything she had ever known for the past four years changed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it!

It had been Sharon who had shuffled them all into the foyer of the townhouse.  Steve had been too focused on the little girl who clung to Natasha’s - _to her mother’s_ \- leg, and Natasha too focused on Steve to really do much in the way of moving things inside.  Steve’s mind raced as he tried in vain to catch up with the situation at hand, as his brain struggled to grasp the basic math of Natasha being gone for just shy of four years to show up with a child who looked to be just shy of four.  He knew the answer - how could he _not_ know the answer.  But knowing and being able to accept what was happening were two very different things.  He could feel his hands start to shake and he clenched them into fists to keep anyone from seeing.  

He spotted Sharon move out of the corner of his eye, bend down to eye level with the girl.  “Hi, my name’s Sharon, what’s yours?” She asked lightly, calmly.  A smile on her face but not overly so.  She was more calm than Steve knew he would be if he dared to try to speak right then.  
  
Aleksandra looked from Sharon and up to Natasha, her eyes wide.  Her hand tightened its grip on Natasha’s leg.  Natasha knelt down and gave Alex a reassuring smile before she looked at Sharon for a moment.  For so long they had been isolated from the world at large in a lot of ways - never really talking to many people outside of simple small talk.  Natasha knew she was asking a lot of her daughter to suddenly be surrounded by so many people who were essentially strangers to her.  “It’s alright, baby girl, she’s a friend of mine,” Natasha assured her daughter.  Friend might have been pushing it - she didn’t know much about Sharon past what she had read in her file - but Steve clearly trusted the woman that was good enough.  
  
Alex looked back at Sharon and slowly let got of Natasha's leg. “Aleksandra,” she replied shyly.

Sharon gave her another soft smile. “That's a very pretty name, Aleksandra.”  Sharon had only a handful of nieces and nephews, ones that her job kept her from seeing as often as she wanted to, so she was fairly out of practice with kids. But she knew colouring of any sort at the very least tended to be a universal hit. “Do you want to go in the other room with me - we can find a few things to colour with and give your mom and her - “ there was the briefest of pause as Sharon looked between Alex and Natasha “- friend a few minutes to talk?”  It had been abundantly clear within minutes of meeting Aleksandra that she was Steve's child - but Sharon wasn't sure what _Alex_ knew.  She wasn’t about to be the one to make that declaration for the first time.

Alex weighed the offer. She glanced once more back to her mother to make sure it was okay and when Natasha nodded she smiled back at Sharon and nodded. “Okay,” she answered, a little bit more certainty behind the word than before.  
  
Steve watched as Sharon stood and led Alex up the stairs. Once they were out of sight he nodded back toward the kitchen for Natasha to follow him.  He moved into the room and stood at the counter.  He wasn’t sure what to say - he wasn’t even sure where to _begin_ to figure out what to say.  What did you say to the woman who left without a word only to show up at your door years later with who appeared to be your child. What did you say when you imagined every possible scenario but never _this one._  He felt his hands tighten against the countertop as he gripped it and he leaned back against the granite, his eyes steeled forward across the kitchen.  

The silence between them was more awkward and weighted than any silence that had ever come before.  Neither of them much knew what to do with it.  Silence between them had usually been comfortable.  It was what had made them work so well, they were content to just _be_ in each other’s space, content to spend a quiet afternoon with Steve sketching and Natasha reading.  Their presence had simply been enough.  Of course they had always been more than able to _fill_ a silence, but it had always been nice to just let the quiet linger between them as well.  
  
Natasha glanced around the kitchen.  It was nice, modern but not without a vintage touch to it.  Clean and spacious and looked more than a little unlived in, though that didn't really surprise her - she knew how little time she and Steve had spent at home back before everything, and Natasha doubted it was much different for him and Sharon.   _Him and Sharon_ .  It twisted in the pit of her stomach and she found herself falling into jealous thoughts.  Had they ruined more meals than they could count because they found each other more tempting than the food more often than not.  Had he and Sharon made use of almost every surface in this townhouse like she and Steve had made use of nearly every surface in his apartment.  Did he want Sharon with the same insatiable _need_ he had wanted her.  She hated the idea of the answer being yes - to think that she had been so easily replaceable, and she hated the idea of the answer being no - to think that she had left Steve and he had never been able to find someone to make him truly happy again.

“Nice place,” she commented after a few minutes, if only to break the heavy silence.  “Have you been here long?”

“We bought it about three months ago,” Steve mumbled in reply, an automatic reply without much thought or emotion behind it.

 _Bought_ .  Natasha internally winced at the word.  Bought, not rented.  Bought.   _Together._  An investment, a future. A suggestion she had always dismissed when Steve had brought it up when they had been together.  She swallowed hard.  It shouldn’t bother her.  She had given up any right for it to bother her the instant she had walked out his door.  But it still _did._

“Steve - “ she started.

“Natasha - “ he had begun at the same time. They both stopped quickly and the awkward silence settled between them again.

“Go ahead,” Natasha urged.

Steve nodded but didn't start to speak again right away.  The gravity of the situation was evident in his features and Natasha felt overcome with guilt. “Is she - “  He trailed off.  Yours?  Mine?   _Ours?_ He knew the answer.  Of _course_ he knew the answer.  He had to hear her say it though.  
  
Natasha nodded. She steeled her expression into something calm, something that wouldn't betray the inner turmoil she herself was going through. “Yes.”

Steve let out a slow breath and dragged a hand over his face.  He knew it would do none of them any good for him to get dragged under by his own _anger_ right then, but it was there none the less.  Rage that boiled just under the surface.  At Natasha, at the situation.  At _himself._  “Jesus, Natasha,” he breathed out instead and turned to face the backsplash of the sink.  He couldn’t look at her.  Not right then.  Not when looking at her _hurt_ in some fundamental way he didn’t know how to deal with.  

“Steve, I’m - I’m sorry - “ she said and quickly moved closer to him.  “I know that doesn’t - “

She didn’t get a chance to finish the thought though.  The word sorry hit him hard and whatever hold he had on his anger at her right then dissolved.  It felt like he was outside his body, watching, as he moved - as his hand curled around a glass on the counter and threw it against the backsplash behind the sink.  “Sorry?  You’re _sorry?_ ” he spat back at her as he turned to look at her again.

“You _left -_ “ his voice wavered on the word and he paused to collect himself before he started to speak again. “You were just - _gone_ , and I've _just_ started to get my life back on track from that. I've _just_ started to make peace with the idea that I might never see you again, that you might have even been - “  Dead somewhere. Lost forever in the most profound of ways. Words he could barely think, let alone _say_ . “And now you show up here with a kid?   _Our_ kid?”  He almost felt like laughing. It was ridiculous. It was beyond anything he could have ever imagined.

“I know - I know, Steve,” she started.

“No, you don't know,” he interjected.  How _could_ she know.  How could she know how broken she had left him, how utterly incapable to manage his own damn life - how _pathetic_ he had been.  A thought which swirled around in his head now - pathetic.  Here he had been worried, following through every scrape of a lead, running himself to the ground trying to find her, jeopardizing his team, his place as Captain America, his friendships, and she had.... he felt sick.  She had been _pregnant_ and she had left.  How badly had he failed her that she felt that her only option.  “Why didn’t you just _tell_ me?” he asked quietly.  He knew his voice shook on the words and he hated it, hated letting her see how hurt he had been, and _still was_ , how weak losing her had made him.  He could feel his very being buzz with the anger, the _guilt_ , the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Natasha slid her arms around her midsection and bit at her lower lip before she answered.  “Because we talked about it, because I knew you didn’t want this - “ there was a pause as she pressed her lips together tight.  She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat - she had known this was going to be hard, she just hadn’t expected it to be _this_ hard.  “Because I didn’t want us to become something you would have regretted,” she admitted.  How terrified she had been of that thought - still _was_ \- of that thought.  To have Steve look at her and not see love reflected in his eyes, but the slow decay of their relationship, the moment when it turned to resentment.  Though she supposed the anger right now wasn’t much better.  

His eyes narrowed as he looked at her.  They had talked about it - in some vague hypothetical way that had at the time seemed like a moot point anyways since this was _not supposed to be possible_ for them.  The fact she had taken that at face value and ran with it, quite literally, made his blood run cold.  “You had no right to make that decision without me,” he said tersely.  

Natasha nodded.  “You’re right,” she admitted quietly.  She had known that since the moment she’d left.  The thought that had haunted her every sleepless night, every time she saw a family of three instead of two, nearly every moment of every day that thought lingered in the back of her mind.  

“Then why _did_ you - “ he paused and turned away from her again.  His head hung and she could see the way he swallowed hard a few times before he spoke again.  “You know when we were dating, you always used to think I saw you as someone you really weren’t, that I saw some good in you that you couldn’t believe was there, a person worth so much more than she gave herself credit for - “ he paused and pressed his lips as his head shook softly.  “I don’t know - maybe you were right, maybe I did see something that wasn’t there.”  It was cold, he knew it.  He knew it would cut deep, deeper than maybe he would ever be able to take back if he ever wanted to.  He just wasn’t sure if he _would_ ever want to.  He was so angry and he knew the words were the only thing that would make her feel even a fraction of what he felt right then.  

Steve looked at her - he had so much more he wanted to say.  He just didn’t know _how_ .  So instead he let out a slow breath, steadied himself and changed the subject.  “You said you needed my help,” he prompted.  

Natasha took a few steps away from Steve, put the distance back between them again.  As much as she knew he had a right to say what he had, it still stung.  It justified every horrible thought she’d ever had about herself, all those doubts that had only ever started to subside the year she had been with him.  She had managed to convince herself when they had been together that if she could have just been someone Steve saw as worth a damn, well, then, that had to count for something.  She knew what she had done was unforgivable, and she would never ask that of him, but it still twisted in her stomach, made her feel raw and awful.  The change of subject, while not any easier, was still somewhat welcome.  A task, the reason for her showing up in the first place.  “Alex is sick,” she started.    
  
He could feel his heart drop at the words.  He had visions of his own childhood years, a constant stream of illnesses that had left him on the fringes of society.  Something he wouldn’t wish on anyone, let alone his own child.  How instantaneous that thought was - his child, his _daughter_ \- and how quickly the worry came at three small words; _Alex is sick._  “Sick how?” he asked.  Did she inherit the weak immune system he’d had before the serum, had he doomed his daughter to a life of being sick and left behind just like he’d had.    
  
Natasha watched his face fall and she immediately regretted how she started the conversation.  She could see his thoughts go directly to himself, to how sick he had been as a child.  “Bruce is working on figuring that out,” she explained and steeled herself against the incredulous look Steve gave her as he realized Bruce knew about Aleksandra before him.  

She paused for a moment to compose herself.  “She’s special, Steve, like you’re special.  Whatever the serum did to you, she’s inherited that.  She heals fast, she’s _so_ smart, she’s far beyond other children her age.  She hasn’t been sick a day in her life.  Until now.”  Natasha took in a deep breath.  “I couldn’t risk bringing her to a doctor I didn’t know, to someone I couldn’t trust,” she added.  “Banner’s running some tests, but he needs a sample of your blood to compare to.  He thinks something in her version of the serum has decided to attack her body instead of heal it,” the worry was more than evident in her voice.  

Steve nodded.  “I’ll give him whatever he needs, just tell me where,” he said.  There wasn’t much he was certain of right then, but that he was. He would do whatever it took to help Alex.  The rest, well, he’d figure that mess out later.

  
“He said to meet him at the Tower,” she replied.  “He said he’d have access to anything he’d need there and it would be more comfortable than his own lab.”  
  
“Okay,” Steve agreed with a small nod.  He tried to push his emotions about the situation aside, tried to view it in facts instead.  Alex was sick, Banner could help, he needed to be there.  Deal with that, then deal with the rest.  “Does she know?” he asked as the thought popped into his head.  “Who I am?” he clarified.  In the end he didn’t need her to answer, her expression at the question did it for him.  
  
“I said you were a friend,” she explained none the less.  “I wasn’t sure - “ she shrugged somewhat.  “It just seemed easier to say that for now.”  
  
Steve pressed his hand to his mouth as he felt that anger surface again, but he bit it back and nodded.  “We’ll talk about it once she’s better,” he promised her.  They would talk about a lot of things once they got through this.  
  
Steve moved past her to leave the kitchen and he headed up the stairs.  He paused in the doorway to the study and took in the scene before him.  Sharon had pulled out a large sketch pad and put it on the ground for Alex.  A box of pencil crayons sat beside it and his daughter - _his daughter_ \- seemed content to lay on her stomach and draw.  Light filtered in from the window and brought out the red in her hair and she talked softly with Sharon about the drawing she was absorbed in.  Steve could feel something in him stir, something he had long since put aside.  He felt Natasha stand beside him and he glanced to her for a quick moment.  How could she have kept this from him.  

He stepped into the room and moved to kneel in front of Alex.  As he took in the drawing - a row of houses and a few figures in front of them - he realized what Natasha had meant by Aleksandra being beyond other kids her age.  The drawing, while still very much a child’s sketch, was more than one would expect from a three year old, and there was a swell of pride at it.  Steve smiled when Alex looked up at him.  “Hi, Alex,” he said.  “I’m Steve, your mom’s friend,” he gave a quick glance to Sharon at that, silently letting her know that that was what they were going with for the moment. “And I’m going to help make sure you get better.” 

Alex looked at him for a long moment before she spoke.  “Just like Dr. Banner is helping too right?” she asked.

Steve nodded.  “Just like Dr. Banner,” he confirmed.  “You’re lucky, he’s the best doctor I know,” he assured her.  “You mom’s going to take you to my friend Tony’s tower and I’ll meet you two there, okay?”  
  
Alex moved to stand and nodded at Steve.  “Okay.”  She looked back at Sharon and gave her a smile.  “Thanks for drawing with me,” she said as she moved toward her mother.  
  
Sharon smiled back and started to pick up the pencil crayons.  “You’re very welcome.  I hope we can do it again soon.”  
  
Steve gave Sharon a grateful look and then lead Natasha and Alex back to the front door.  “I’ll just grab a few things and head right over,” he said to Natasha as they moved to leave.  “I’ll be right behind you,” he assured and she nodded.    
  
“See you soon,” she said and took Aleksandra’s hand as they left the townhouse.  
  
Steve moved back into the kitchen to start cleaning up the glass.  He could hear Sharon on the stairs and he pulled out the garbage can from under the sink.  “Hey - I heard a crash earlier, everything okay?” Sharon asked as she walked into the kitchen.

He nodded a little and turned to look at her with a sheepish look.  He held up a piece of the glass.  “Everything except your glass,” he answered.  “Sorry,” he said and tossed the bigger pieces into the garbage.  
  
Sharon moved toward him and took the garbage from his hand.  She set it down on the floor and laced her fingers through his before she leaned up to kiss him gently.  “It’s okay,” she assured him.  She couldn’t even fathom the emotional roller coaster this must be for him, if she lost a glass in the process, well, there were worse things.  “Are _you_ okay though?” she asked as she held his gaze.  

Steve shrugged lightly and shook his head.  “I honestly don’t know,” he admitted.  “I don’t think it’s all really sunk in yet.”

She squeezed his hands gently and then let go to wrap her arms around him.  “Don’t push it, let it come in at its own pace,” she advised.  She’d come into Steve’s life at the tail end of the worst of the fallout from Natasha leaving, she knew that.  But she’d heard enough from the others to know the number the other woman had done on him.  For the life of her Sharon just couldn’t figure out _why._  Who in their right mind would have walked out like that, especially on a man like Steve.  Even now, with the revelation that he and Natasha had a child that only Natasha had known about Sharon still couldn’t fathom it.  Wouldn’t that have been more of a reason to stay than to walk out.  

“No one’s going to expect you to figure this out overnight, Steve,” she noted.  “Least of all me.”  She pulled back a little to look up at him.  “But when you do figure it out, I’m here, whatever you decide to do.”  Although she had more than an inkling what he would decide.  Steve would forever come as a package deal now, and it would be a hell of an adjustment but it was one she was willing to make.

Steve cupped her face between his hands and smiled softly.  He took a moment to press his lips to her forehead and then wrapped his arms around her.  “Thank you,” he said genuinely.  

“Anytime, Rogers,” she quipped.  “Want me to go to the tower with you?”

Yes was the immediate thought, but Steve found himself shaking his head instead.  He knew it would be a long, complicated, awkward ordeal and he didn’t want to put her through that.  More than anything he could use the time to decompress.  “No, I’ll be okay,” he assured her.  He did take a minute though, to stand there in the embrace and let it calm him somewhat.  “I should get my things,” he said after and pulled back.  

Sharon dropped her arms, but laced her fingers through his again and tugged him back toward the stairs.  “Let’s go get you packed.”

 

* * *

 

Everything moved quickly once Steve made his way to the tower.  Banner brought him into a lab and drew an assortment of blood samples from him.  Bruce seemed confident enough that he would find a solution, but Steve was uncertain if he really _was_ or he was just trying to make Steve feel better by exuding the confidence.  It didn’t take Bruce long to run his tests and Steve was shortly set up in a chair with a needle drawing blood from his body and into a series of bags.  It took longer than Steve wanted to sit still for Bruce to get what he wanted, but finally the needle was removed.  

“You might not want to do that right away,” Bruce said as he gathered up the bags and spotted Steve trying to stand in his peripheral.  “I’m serious, Steve,” he added when it became apparent Steve was not about to listen.  Bruce reached across and gently pushed him back into the chair.  
  
“I’ll be fine, Banner,” Steve insisted.  
  
“Humor me,” Bruce insisted.  He held up the bags.  “I took a lot, more than anyone should lose, even you.”  He paused.  “Twenty minutes.  Please.”  

Steve regarded the other man, debated arguing, but as much as he hated to admit it, the way the world felt a little off around the edges made Banner’s point.  He nodded slowly.  “Twenty minutes,” he relented.

“Thank you,” Bruce said and left the room with the bags of blood.

Exactly twenty minutes later, Steve found his way to room Bruce had set up for Alex and paused in front of the window.  He could see Natasha and Aleksandra, Natasha had curled up in the bed with her daughter, Alex fast asleep as Natasha threaded her hands through her hair. Steve wasn't sure how to feel about it as he watched - wasn't sure how to place the lump in his throat or the tightness in his chest as he observed Natasha and _their daughter._  A tiny little human being that was the physical proof of how much they had once loved each other.

“Mazel tov?” Tony said, interrupting the thoughts as he approached Steve and moved to stand beside him.

Steve glanced to Tony and huffed a hollow laugh.  “Thanks.”  A short pause. “I think.”  He’d gotten better at speaking Tony over the years, but sometimes Steve still wasn’t sure how to take some of the things the other man said.

The pair fell into a silence for a few minutes as they observed the scene before them. Tony turned to face the wall and leaned against the rail below the window. “How you holding up with all this, Cap?”

Steve shrugged a little and snuck another glance at Tony. “I honestly don't know.”  He paused and let out a slow breath as he kept his eyes on Natasha and Alex.  A million things ran through his mind, a million different ways this could play out and the looming question of what was the right thing to do now that he knew.   “I don't know what I'm supposed to do,” he admitted softly.

There was a quiet moment as Tony weighed the admittance.   “Well, Rogers, the way I see it you've got two options. You get through this, get that kid healthy again and let her and Natasha walk back out the door.”  He paused. “Or you don't. You might have missed the first years but that wasn't on you, it's your choice now if you miss the rest of them.”

Steve moved to mirror Tony's stance. “What would you do - if you were in my position?”  It was a testament to how far they had come as friends, how much that bond had been strengthened through Natasha's disappearance and Bucky’s reemergence instead of being diminished. Bucky would always be his best friend, that one person Steve had known almost all his life and after Peggy had passed his only link left to the life he had lost in the ice all those years ago - but Tony, Steve had come to realize, was no less important. And with that, his advice was kept in high regard as well.

“Oh come on,” Tony started, “we both know the answer to that. But I'd make a terrible father.”

Steve raised a brow slightly.  “And I wouldn't?”

“I'm not dignifying that with a response, Forties,” Tony countered.

“I'm serious, Stark. I take stupid risks, I'm gone more often than not, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly off to the best start already,” Steve argued.

“You don't get to count that last one, you didn't make that decision, Natasha did for you,” Tony pointed out. He sighed a little and shifted his weight. “I don't know what the right answer is, Rogers, I don't think anyone does. I do know this though - if you decide you want that little girl in your life then you need to figure out how to forgive Natasha. Because that kid will know if you harbour bad feelings towards her mom and you don't want to put her through that.”

Steve exhaled and turned around again to look at Natasha and Alex. His jaw set for a moment as he thought over Tony's words. He knew his friend had a point - but it was another thing altogether to follow through on the advice. “What if I can't?” He asked quietly. Steve wasn't sure if it was capable of that. More than that he wasn't sure if he would _want_ to let go of the anger.  What if the anger was the only thing that would keep his actual feelings for her at bay. What if without the anger he would have to live in the complicated mess of still being in love with her.

The answer didn’t surprise Tony.  He had been there after all, for the great fallout that was Natasha Romanoff walking out on Captain America.  He’d seen first hand the damage it had done to Steve, the damage it had done to the team as a whole and if he was honest he wasn’t sure if it was something he himself would be ready to forgive her for anytime soon.  Like Clint had said to Steve at the breaking point - he hadn’t been the only one who’d lost her.  Still though, he wasn’t the father of the young girl Natasha had shown up with.  He could hang onto his anger.  Tony knew better than most the damage having your parents who lived in a constant state of resentment toward each other could do, he knew Steve would hate himself if he put Alex through that.  “You're going to have to figure it out, Steve,” Tony said and turned as well to look into the room.  “You going to go in?

It wasn’t a trick question, but right then it kind of felt like one.  He mulled it over as he stood with Tony and watched his daughter and the woman who had broken his heart.  Forgive.  He had no idea if he could - but he knew he definitely wouldn’t be able to standing out in the hall.  Steve took in a slow breath to steady himself and moved through the door.

The room was quiet save for the beeps of the machine that monitored Alex’s vital signs and the noise the modified dialysis machine made.   Steve swallowed hard as he stopped at the bedside.  He couldn't help but wonder if this was how his mom had felt all those years - the actual physical _ache_ of seeing your child sick.  As much as the situation was filled with so much unknown there was one thing of which Steve was certain of.  The moment he’d looked in Alex’s eyes and knew the truth - even if he hadn’t been able to articulate what that was - he had bonded to the girl.  Unconditionally and irrecoverably.  He was her father.  He couldn’t walk away from that.  
  
Natasha looked up at him and Steve moved to pull a chair over to Alex’s bedside.  “Why don’t you take a break - go get a coffee or something,” Steve suggested.  Natasha looked wrecked, tired and worried in a way he’d never really seen on her before.  And as angry as he was, he still didn’t much like the idea of her running herself completely to the ground.  “I can stay with her.”  
  
Natasha seemed to debate the offer and he hated that it even _was_ a debate. He could _see_ the wheels as they turned - what if Aleksandra woke up and was scared to be left with someone who was nothing more than a stranger.  Steve's jaw clenched at the thought, at the idea that he was now being somehow punished for a decision that had been made for him. He met Natasha's gaze. _Please don't make me beg you to leave our child with me._

“Yeah, okay” Natasha said after a minute with a nod. She untangled herself from Alex and stood. She reached down and ran her hand down Alex's face gently. Natasha tried to keep the trepidation from being too evident on her face - she didn't want to make Steve think that she was afraid to leave Alex with _him._ She was just afraid to leave her in general. Even if she only took an hour or two  to herself - grabbed a coffee and something to eat, maybe even track down Tony and ask for access to one of his many empty floors to use the shower and put herself back together - it would be the longest she had been away from Alex ever. It was a scary prospect. Especially with her sick.

Steve watched her closely as she said her silent goodbye. And as he saw her try to hide the worry he suddenly realized he'd read the situation wrong. It wouldn't matter _who_ it was offering. She would still be nervous. Because she _had never done this._ He felt his chest tighten at the realization that they had truly, _really,_ been alone. As much as he knew that wasn't his fault - that as Tony said a decision had been made _for_ him - he couldn't help the guilt. He knew there was no way he could have known that they’d been so all alone, but he hated himself for it regardless.    
  
“We’ll be okay,” he assured Natasha as she looked up at him and gave her a soft smile.  “You look exhausted, go get some rest,” he said as he moved to sit in the chair he had brought over.

Natasha gave one last glance between Steve and Alex and then reluctantly exited the room.  Steve watched her go from the chair and then turned his attention to their daughter.  She was still asleep, her tiny chest rose and fell with her breathing.  Steve was certain the rash and bruises that had littered her arms - something he had only noticed once she’d been changed into the medical gown in the Tower - had started to fade a little and he assumed that a good sign.  Maybe Banner’s idea to flood her system with his blood and kick start the serum was working.  

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his chin in his clasped hands.  While he could heal faster than most he still felt the lethargic side effect of having so much blood taken.  Combined with the emotional upheaval of the day he couldn’t help but feel a little like he’d been hit by a truck.  

  
The steady hum of the machines was almost hypnotizing, to the point that Steve almost missed it when a soft _Mommy?_ came from the bed. When he registered it he immediately sat up and darted his gaze to Alex.  “Hey, hey - “ he started and found himself leaning forward to bring a hand up to rest on the top of her head on the pillow.  He smiled at her softly.  “Your mom just stepped out, she’ll be right back,” he said gently. A small panic flashed over Alex’s features and it tugged at Steve.  He brushed his thumb along her hairline and gave her another soft smile.  “It’s okay, Alex, I’m going to stay here until she gets back,” he assured her.

Alex nodded after a moment and then seemed to settle a little as she decided Steve would be an acceptable substitute.  She looked over at the machine.  “Dr. Banner said he’s putting your blood in me,” she wrinkled her nose a little and looked at Steve. “It feels funny,” she declared.

Steve chuckled softly at that.  “I somehow don’t doubt that,” he said.  He pulled his hand back as she seemed to calm and stood.  “Can I sit with you?” he asked and waited for her to nod before he sunk down onto the edge of the bed.  

“I know this all must seem pretty scary, Alex,” he started.  “Being sick, having all these new people around you,” he looked down at her.

  
“It’s just a little scary,” she said. “Not a lot, just a little,” she repeated and moved to sit up, her hands rested in her lap and she looked up at him.  

Steve smiled at the declaration.  “I’d say that makes you pretty brave then,” he said.  He paused.  “I used to be sick a lot when I was a kid,” he told her.   “And it was a lot scary,” he admitted as he shifted on the bed to be able to reach into the pocket of his jeans.  “But my mom, she was brave, just like you, and she kept me from getting too scared.”  He pulled out a small gold crucifix on a delicate chain.  He turned it over in his hand for a moment.  It’d been one of the only things he’d taken from their old apartment in Brooklyn before he was sent overseas - one of the only things he’d had left after he went into the ice, only because it had been tucked safely into a pocket in his suit when he had.  He had almost been out of the house to get to the tower before the thought occurred to him and he’d dug the necklace out of a small box of personal items in the study.  

He shifted to face Alex and lifted the chain over her head.  She looked down and smiled.  “For me?” she asked as her hand moved to lift the cross up to inspect it.  
  
“For you,” he said.  “It was my mom’s, she said it was what gave her the ability to be brave, even when life was scary,” he explained.  Sarah Rogers had been a woman of great faith, Steve knew the finer details of that concept might be lost on Aleksandra, but he knew his mom would be proud to see the cross on her granddaughter.  

He reached a hand to brush against Alex’s cheek and he smiled at her as she looked up at him.  The smile faded quickly though as his hand registered the warmth coming off of her.  Steve pressed his palm to her forehead and his brow knitted together.  “You feeling okay?” he asked, his tone concerned.  
  
Alex shrugged.  “It feels funny,” she said again.  She still seemed distracted enough by the gift though and Steve dropped his hand.    
  
“J.A.R.V.I.S?” he called out.

“Yes, Captain Rogers?” came the reply.

“Can you tell Dr. Banner to come down here?” he asked the AI.  
  
“Certainly.”  
  
Steve pressed his hand to Aleksandra’s forehead again and hoped he was maybe just overreacting.  However that was not the case as Alex suddenly looked up at him, her eyes wide.  “It feels really funny,” she mumbled as her breath started to turn into ragged gasps.

“J.A.R.V.I.S!” Steve yelled as his hands grabbed Alex just as she fell back against the bed and her eye rolled into the back of her head.  Her little body started to shake violently and if J.A.R.V.I.S replied he didn’t hear it.  It didn’t much matter though as Bruce was there quickly enough and tugged Steve away.  

“Don’t try to hold her down,” Bruce insisted and Steve stepped back.  Bruce started to move about quickly, and Steve backed out into the hall to give him room.

Natasha’s heart sunk as she turned the corner and saw Steve standing in the hallway.  His gaze was locked through the window and she could tell instantly from his stance that something was wrong.  Her walk turned into a run and she was halfway through the door before Steve reached out and grabbed her arm.  

“Wait.” he said and tugged her back into the hall.

“Let me go,” she demanded and tried to twist her arm out of his grip, but he didn’t yeild.    
  
“Let Bruce work,” Steve said and when she seemed to stop fighting his grip he let go of her arm.  Steve moved back to the window and crossed his arms as he watched his daughter and Bruce.  Natasha stepped beside him, her hands moved to the rail below the window and he could see her jaw set as she observed.  

“What happened?” she asked and he knew most wouldn’t, but he could hear the soft tremor in her voice.  The way it wasn’t _quite_ the collected calm she usually had.

“She spiked a fever all the sudden and her breathing became erratic and irregular, I think she had a seizure” but then again, there was the same small tremor in his own as he answered her.  His gaze was fixed through the window, but he could feel the tension that radiated off of Natasha beside him.  He gave a quick dart of his eyes over to her - her face pale, jaw clenched and as he let his gaze drift downward he could see her knuckles turn white as she gripped the rail tight.  Steve moved on instinct more than anything else - that part of him that still saw her upset and needed to offer his support.  He uncrossed his arms and laid his hand on hers.  She relaxed slightly with the touch and he steeled his eyes back through the window.    
  
Logically Steve knew it was not much more than fifteen minutes, but it felt like an eternity until Bruce walked out into the hall.  Immediately Steve pulled his hand back and distanced himself from Natasha, he crossed his arms back over his chest and turned his attention to Bruce.  “Is she okay?”

Bruce glanced between Steve and Natasha and then nodded.  “She’s stable.  The fever dropped, it’s still high but not in a dangerous zone.  Her breathing seems to have evened out.  I’m not exactly sure yet what caused the seizure,” he paused and took his glasses off before he looked at Steve and Natasha again.  “I’ll need a few more samples from you, Steve, see if I can find what I’m missing - this _should_ be working.”

“It was,” Steve pointed out.  “Working.  The bruises, the rash - it was getting better,” he explained softly.  It _had_ been getting better.  Until suddenly it wasn’t.  He rubbed at his temples and looked at Natasha.  Her worry mirrored his own and there was a sudden _ache_ to pull her into his arms, hold her tight and remember what it was like to find strength in each other.  As she glanced away he couldn't help but think she felt it too.  He looked back to Bruce.  “Let’s go get those samples.”

  
Bruce nodded and started down the hall.  Steve lingered as his gaze fell back on Natasha.  She looked more than lost as she stood there and he wished he knew what to say to her.  He reached a hand out and touched her arm, she looked first at that and then up at him.  “We’ll figure it out,” he said and hoped it came across as even just the smallest bit confident.  

Natasha took a small step into him.  She knew it was wrong, to ask this of him, to look to him for comfort right then - but she found herself headed down that path regardless.  She turned into him and let her forehead fall to his chest, as she had done so many times before when life got the better of her.  It wasn’t the same - his arms didn’t move to wrap around her and she didn’t dare let hers slide around him - but it was _something._  She blinked hard against the moisture in her eyes and allowed herself the briefest of moments there before she pulled back.  “Come back when Bruce is finished?” she asked quietly.

“Of course,” he answered just as quietly.  He gave one last look through the window to where Alex seemed to have settled again.  He dropped his hand from her arm and turned to follow after Bruce.

It was well into the evening by the time Bruce worked out a solution - the science of which was far beyond Steve’s grasp but he trusted the man to know what he was talking about.  Things were adjusted and changed accordingly, Steve lost a few more pints to the cause and he hadn’t much _wanted_ to, but Bruce, Tony, and even Natasha had forced him into a bed for an hour to recover.  It had been a long, rough, day, but there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel as the night started to roll in.  Steve and Natasha watched with relief as the last of Alex’s fever lifted and the bruises and rash cleared up from her skin.  She’d woken up and ate a plate of food Steve had made up in Tony and Pepper’s penthouse.  Tony had even dragged in a television so they could watch a movie - though neither Natasha or Steve paid much attention to it.  Her skin cool and clear, vitals strong, Aleksandra slipped back into sleep and Natasha could feel the worst of it start to lift.    
  
She had curled back up in the bed with her daughter, Steve still camped out on the chair beside them.  They’d been sitting in quiet since Alex had fallen asleep, not quite the same as it used to be but not quite as uncomfortable as earlier either.  Steve grabbed the remote off the bedside table as the movie ended and turned off the television.  He kept the remote in hand as he sat back in the chair and turned it over idly in his hands.  He needed to call Sharon, needed to check in on Bucky and Clint’s mission.  But before all of that he knew he needed to tell Natasha what had only become more and more clear as the day went on.  “You can’t leave again,” he said evenly and met her gaze.  “You know that, right?  You can’t take her away from me again.”  It wasn’t a threat - not exactly - but they weren’t words spoken lightly either.  

Natasha untangled herself from Alex and moved to sit on the edge of the bed so she could face Steve.  She clasped her hands in her lap and nodded at his ultimatum.  “I know,” she agreed.  Every fear she still kept so close to her heart screamed otherwise, the familiar tug of _run_ , but she knew she couldn’t do that.  Not now.    
  
Steve held her gaze for a moment - she spoke the words but he had trouble trusting them.  Which in and of itself was hard to swallow.  For so long she had been the one person he trusted implicitly, and at times the _only_ person he trusted.  There had been a time when he’d only needed to glance at her to know what she was thinking - when they moved seamlessly, when he couldn’t even tell where he ended and she began.  That was gone though, the woman who sat across from him felt more like a stranger than he ever thought she could be.  It killed him, but it was what it was.  He pushed himself off the chair and left the room.

He didn’t need to go far to find Tony, around the corner was all it took.  If he wasn’t so damn tired from everything he might have even given Tony a hard time about what was clearly lurking, but as it was there was a comfort in it somehow.  Steve leaned heavily against the wall beside him.    
  
“I checked in with Barton and Barnes,” Tony started and lifted a hand to wave off Steve’s grateful look.  “They’re on schedule and the mission’s going well.  They should be back by mid morning.”  He paused.  “I didn’t - I figured it wasn’t my place to mention Natasha and the kid, and it’d be a distraction they don’t need right now anyways,” he continued.  “Bruce says Alex should be fine to leave medical in the morning, I’ve got someone setting up one of the floors for them as I’m sure he still won’t want her to go too far.”

Steve nodded.  He looked up at Tony and offered him a weak, tired, smile.  “Thank you,” he said sincerely.  

“Anytime,” Tony said quickly.  “You crashing here tonight?” he asked as he took in the exhaustion on Steve’s face.  “At least try to get an hour or two in before you head back to Brooklyn,” he insisted.

“Yeah, I could do that,” he replied.  The thought of getting on his bike right then seemed more than daunting.  “I need to call Sharon first.” He let his head fall back against the wall.

“To tell her you’re keeping the kid?” Tony prompted.  
  
Steve lifted his head back up and looked over at him.  “How’d you know?”  
  
“Because you’re you, Steve,” Tony answered, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.  

Steve shook his head a little.  “You knew even before I did, didn’t you.”  
  
Tony grinned a little.  “Damn right I did, Rogers.”  He tilted his head, “genius, remember.”    
  
Steve couldn’t help but laugh softly at that.  “Well maybe you can put some of that genius toward figuring out how the hell I’m going to be her dad and Captain America at the same time.”  It was one thing to know he wasn’t going to let Alex out of his life, it was another thing entirely to figure out the logistics of that.    
  
“We’ll figure it out,” Tony insisted.  “You, me, Carter, Barnes, Barton, Wilson - Thor when he decides to grace us with his presence“ he paused.  “That’s what you’ve got us for, Steve.  So you don’t have to figure out everything on your own.”  Tony glanced down for a moment, he knew it was cheesy.  Past the point of cheesy, but it was true none the less.  They were a team.  Even when the mission was a three year old kid they were still a team.  “Now call your girlfriend and get some rest,” he added and started toward the elevator at the end of the hall.

Steve waited until Tony was out of sight before he pulled his phone from his back pocket.  It was late but he was fairly certain he wouldn’t wake Sharon.  “Hey,” he started when she answered.  “We need to talk.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long delay on this one - I was out of town for a while and then got super crazy at work. Thank you everyone for the patience and also all the amazing feedback. I'm thrilled that everyone is enjoying reading this as much as I've been enjoying writing it!

“Hey, we need to talk,” Steve said as Sharon answered the phone.  There was a short pause, dead silence on the other end and he suddenly felt worried.  “Sharon?”   
  
He heard the soft ding of the elevator a few feet away and he looked up at to see Sharon as the doors parted.  She smiled a little and shrugged as she hung up the phone.  “I thought we might,” she said as she stepped in close.    


Steve grinned a little at her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders as hers slid around his waist.  He hadn’t expected for her to show up, but he was thankful to see her.  It had been a long day and it felt nice to find comfort in her embrace.  “I’m glad you’re here,” he said, the words muffled by his face buried in her hair.  

“Nowhere else I’d rather be,” she said back and turned her head to kiss him.  

Steve’s hands moved to her hair as he kissed her back, a quiet moment in the hallway.  He broke it off and let his forehead rest against hers for a moment before he pulled back and reached for her hand.  “Let’s go to the room,” he suggested and headed back toward the elevators to head to the guest suite that Tony had long ago declared Steve’s whenever he wanted it.

Once they settled in, Sharon’s hands threaded lightly through the short strands of his hair, her legs rested on either side of him as he sat with his back against the couch she was sitting on.  Steve glanced around the living area and then tilted his head back to look at Sharon before he wrapped his hands around her calves. The first time they’d spent the night together had been in this suite.  After some event Tony and Pepper had thrown in the Tower - the first  _ official _ outing they’d taken as a couple.  After months of coffee and dinners, a slow courtship that Steve had never pushed much past a kiss goodnight.  He’d been so scared to make that leap again, to put himself fully into a new relationship with the way the one before had ended.  But then he’d picked her up and she’d been in that damn dress, the night had been easy and fun, and it had just seemed  _ right.   _ Natasha had been his first, and for a long time he thought she would be his only, but he’d learned the hard way that things don’t always work out the way you imagine them. 

“Remember the first time we stayed here,” he said with a smile and then let his head rest against her knee.  His fingers massaged her calves lightly and despite the craziness of the past day and a bit he felt himself starting to relax as her fingers kept threading through his hair.     
  
“How could I forget,” she replied lightly and leaned down to kiss the side of his neck.  “You know you keep saying you’re going to give me a reason to wear that dress again, but I’m starting to think it’s all been lies, Rogers,” she teased.

“Nothing’s stopping you from wearing it any damn day you please,” he teased back.  “You know, just around the house, just for me,” he added.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you,” she hummed against his neck.  “So - “ she started, her tone changing as she moved to change the subject.  “I was thinking we can take the record player out of the study, put it in the corner of the living room, move the desk to our room, and then we could fit a bed and dresser in there just fine,”    
  
Steve gave her leg a squeeze at the words after a pause.  “I didn’t say anything yet,” he pointed out.     
  
“You didn’t have to,” Sharon replied.     
  
“You and Stark both, am I really that transparent,” Steve said back and huffed a small laugh.

“No, you’re just really that good of a guy,” Sharon pointed out.  “And we knew you would do the right thing.”

Steve was quiet for a moment as he thought about it.  The right thing.  They both seemed to think it was so easy, so black and white.  But then he and Sharon had never really talked about kids, or the possibility of kids, he suddenly realized then.  So how could she know his conflicted views on it. How could she know that the worst thing he could imagine would be leaving his child with the same amount he had had of his own father - nothing more than medals collecting dust and a name on a wall of fallen soldiers. How could she know that he dreaded the thought of having to make the call between laying down his life to save someone else’s and going home to someone who needed him.  Was it the right thing when he wasn’t sure if he could put a child first - entirely and completely first.  

_ Because we talked about it, because I knew you didn’t want this -  _

He was so angry at Natasha but there was still that small thought in the back of his head that she had a point.  Hadn't he, after all, given nothing but indication that he didn't want the whole kid thing and all it entailed. Was forcing himself into his daughter's life the  _ right _ thing to do.  Or was he being selfish and letting himself be blinded by his eyes and Natasha’s nose and this perfect little person who already had such a hold on him.

“You okay?” Sharon asked after his thoughts had kept him quiet for a while. 

He stood up and reached for her hands to tug her to her feet as well.  “I'm fine,” he assured her. “It's just been a long day.”  He reached down and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear before he cupped her face with his hands and leaned down to kiss her. “Thank you,” he said softly and let his forehead rest on hers.  “For being so understanding about this, for being so supportive.”        


“You haven’t given me a reason not to be,” she pointed out and looped her arms around his waist.  She had, of course, always worried about if Natasha ever showed up again.  It hadn’t been hard to see just how much damage had been done by her leaving and with that it hadn’t been hard to realize just how much Steve had loved her.  But Sharon didn’t want to be so quick to discount what  _ they _ had either - everything they had had been through and the relationship that had formed from it.  She didn’t want to be  _ that _ woman who would jump to the worst case scenario.  She trusted Steve, trusted in their relationship.  And while this may have not been  _ the _ plan - or how she imagined children coming into her life she was ready to embrace it because it was  _ Steve.   _

“I love you,” she started, “and I love the life we’ve built and that we’re continuing to build - the fact that it now comes with someone else?” She gave him a little smile.  “I’m still in.”    

Steve looked down at her, he ran a thumb across her cheekbone and smiled back at her.  “I love you, too,” he said.  “Let’s get some sleep.”

  
  
  
  


Natasha stood in the hanger as she waited for the jet Clint was on to arrive.  Bruce had cleared Aleksandra earlier that morning, Tony and Steve had come by and set them up in a guest suite for the moment, but once Natasha found out that Clint would be arriving that morning she had put aside settling in for favor of seeing him.  Her stomach was in knots.  She knew Clint would be an easier go than Steve, but she still felt the nerves none the less.  This was the man who had saved her - in so many ways - all those years ago.  This was the first person who looked at her and saw something more than the weapon the Red Room had made her.  She owed Clint a debt she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to repay - a debt he had told her countless times didn’t exist in the first place.  As hard as it had been to leave Steve, it had been just as hard to leave Clint and the family he had given her. 

There had been so many moments, so many nights when she wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone.  When at five months a sudden cramping low in her belly woke her up in the middle of the night at her first instinct had been  _ Laura _ .  When Aleksandra wouldn’t latch and she thought of all those times Laura had made it look so effortless and she longed to ask the secret.  When Alex was six weeks and Natasha hadn’t slept in just as long and at four in the morning found herself endlessly pacing the halls with her crying daughter and tears streaming down her own face, wondering what kind of cruel world put this tiny, innocent, child in the hands of a monster like herself and she  _ ached _ to call Clint.  She needed her voice of reason and needed to hear him tell her that they weren’t as broken as they thought and if he could do it, she could do it too.  But no contact had meant no contact - and it wasn’t though she didn’t trust Clint to keep her secret if he knew, she didn’t trust  _ herself _ not to run back home if she let herself have even a small piece of it.

Steve had given her a home, and love in the romantic sense of the word, but before all that Clint had given her the humanity she needed to find those things.  And oh how she had missed him.  Her family in the truest sense of the word.  Would he be proud - like he had been so proud of how far she had already come - to see her now a mother.  Would Aleksandra love Lila and Cooper; would they love Alex?  She could see them running circles around each other on the farm, could hear the laughter, could see her and Laura on the porch with wine and Clint making burgers.  She could see a life that she had wanted these past years but had denied herself.

Natasha pulled Alex in closer to her as the hanger door opened. The small jet landed shortly after and Natasha smiled as Alex watched it with wonder.  There was a bit of the standard commotion as the jet landed and Natasha waited patiently for Clint.  She had figured he would have had someone on the mission with him - though in retrospect she wasn’t sure who she had been expecting.  James Barnes would have been damn low on that list though, and she was sure it showed in her face as the man walked past her.  

He seemed just as surprised to see her, but recovered quicker and nodded as he passed.  “Natalia,” he said softly as he walked toward the hanger’s exit.  

Natasha turned her head to watch him leave.  She had always known that Steve would never have given up hope on finding his friend, but she was surprised to see it had  _ happened. _  A fresh wave of guilt hit her - guilt at not being there when it had happened, guilt at the relationship she’d had with James that she had never disclosed to Steve.  She didn’t have much time to think about it though before Clint’s voice cut through her thoughts.     
  
“Well there’s a sight for sore eyes,” he said lightly, as though she’d been gone a week and not  _ years _ .   
  
She turned to look at him and smiled.  Tentative but hopeful.  “Hi, Clint,” was all she said before he grinned and pulled her into a tight hug.     
  
“I swear to God, Natasha, if you  _ ever _ pull something like this again,” he muttered as he hugged her.  Tight and to the point of her not being able to even  _ breathe _ but she figured she owed him at least that.  “I missed you,” he said softly and by the tone in his voice Natasha knew he was holding back how hard it had been for him.

“Me too - you have  _ no _ idea how much,” she replied, just as softly.  

“Do you know there’s a small child attached to your leg right now?” he deadpanned after a moment and pulled away to look down at Alex.  

Natasha nodded.  “Yeah, about that,” she said as she pulled back from the hug.  “This Alex,” a small pause, “my daughter.”  Another small pause.  “Surprise?” she quipped with a shrug.

Clint looked between the two of them, clearly shocked but happy none the less. He had known what had been done to Natasha,  what had been taken from her all those years ago in the Red Room. But yet somehow here she was, with a child who was the perfect mix of her and Steve - and it hadn’t  _ been  _ a question who the father would have been, but even if it had the sight of Alex would have laid any of that to rest. He huffed a small laugh. “That man doesn't half ass  _ anything _ , does he - “

Natasha gave him a look and then nodded back toward where James had gone.  “Was that - “

“Barnes?  Yeah,” Clint answered.  “Steve found him about a year and a half ago.  Was a bit of a rough go for a while but he’s doing good now.”  

There was a bit of a soft tinge to his voice as he talked about James and it made Natasha smile a little.  “I see I’ve been replaced as your former assassin pet project,” she noted with a smile.  

Clint laughed and shrugged.  “What can I say, I have a soft spot for recovering Soviet trained killers.”  He watched her as the smile faded and she clearly found herself at a struggle for how to bring up what she wanted to bring up.  He was half tempted to make her do it, given everything, but decided to let her off the hook.  

“Steve knows.”  He said softly and watched her as she nodded solemnly, a flicker of worry passing over her features.  “You can’t change that he didn’t hear that from you,” he started, “but I think you both have something bigger to work out now,” he pointed out.     
  
With that he knelt down to be at Alex’s level and gave the girl a warm smile.  “Hi, Alex,” he said.

“Hi,” Alex replied and reached up to take Natasha’s hand as she looked at the man before her.  “Are you one of Mama’s friends too?” she asked.     
  
Natasha watched Clint’s face as he took in Aleksandra.  That same genuine, open, warmth in his features that she’d seen when he looked at his own children for years now.  There was no anger at the lost years, there was no hesitation and what if’s, there was just pure acceptance and she felt more at ease than she had since this whole coming home process had started.

“I am,” he answered her with a smile.  “I’m your Uncle Clint, and your Mama better have been telling you stories about me and they better have been good,” he added and gave another quick glance up at Natasha.    

“We both know there's no such thing as good stories involving you, Clint,” Natasha teased. 

Clint gave a look of mock indignation at the remark. He winked at Alex which earned him a small laugh from the girl. “Your Mommy has no idea what she's talking about,” he joked as he stood. “I'm starving, let's go find some food.”

They settled easily into the kitchen in one of the common areas of the Tower.  Natasha had rummaged through the fridge and found enough to make up pancakes while Alex chattered Clint’s ear off.  Any initial shyness she’d had had faded as she answered Clint’s questions about her life so far.  Natasha interjected the odd time when prompted for a name or detail, but was mostly content to let Clint and Alex drive the conversation and get to know each other.  

It wasn’t until after they had eaten and started to clean up, Alex settled in front of some movie on the tv, that the mood between Natasha and Clint turned a bit heavier.  Clint set the last plate into the dishwasher and moved to lean against the counter as he looked over at  Natasha.  “I’m guessing she’s why you disappeared?” he prompted.  

Natasha let out a slow breath and nodded.  She moved to lean against the counter beside him.  “Yeah.”  She paused and pressed her lips together before she snuck a glance at Clint beside her.  “Are you mad at me?” she asked.

He shook his head.  “No, of course not, Tasha.”  He looked over where he could see Alex in the living room.  “I guess I just wonder why you felt you couldn’t tell me,” he said and looked back at Natasha.  “Or Steve.” 

She wrapped her arms around her midsection and let her head drop for a moment before she answered.  “We talked about it - Steve and I - “ she started and looked up at Clint. “He knew that it wasn't supposed to be a possibility for me. But it didn't matter because he didn't  _ want _ it anyways.”  She paused and looked over at Aleksandra to make sure attention was still held by the television before she turned to face the cupboards, her hands curled around the edge of the counter.  “I knew that he would struggle to make the decision - between being Captain America and being a father.  I knew he would stupidly believe he could do both and I knew he would hate the outcome in the end,” she turned her head to look at Clint.  

His features softened when he saw the pain of the decision she had made still clearly evident on hers.  “So I made the call for him.”  She paused.  “And I knew if I left, I had to  _ leave _ .  I couldn’t be half in and half out.”  She smiled - sadly, wistfully.  “Even with you.”  

He held her gaze for a moment. He could remember those first few days she had disappeared like they were yesterday. The uncertainty, the hesitation that both he and Steve had been guilty of. The regret he had carried for so long hit him even harder. They shouldn't have waited. They should have looked the minute Steve had brought up she hadn't come home. 

“So why do you come back then?” he asked as he started to move about the kitchen to make coffee. 

“Alex was sick, I didn't know where else to go,” she explained. 

“Sick?” Clint repeated, concern immediately evident in his voice. “Is she okay?”

Natasha nodded and moved to sit at the table. “Yeah,” she said with an exhale.  Alex had woken up with barely a trace of the prior illness, but Natasha knew it would be a long time until she forgot about how it felt to see her daughter sick. Somewhere right around never. Somewhere around forever seemed about right.  And while it was fine now, she couldn’t help but worry that something similar could happen again.  Worse was the fear that next time they couldn’t fix it.  

“Seeing your kid sick” Clint started, as though reading her mind, “it’s the worst thing you’ll ever see.  And then there’s that godawful helpless feeling when you realize all you can really do is wait and hope,” he caught Natasha’s eye and offered her a tight smile.  “I’m sorry you went through that, Nat.”  He grabbed two mugs from the cupboard as the coffee finished brewing.

He turned to fill their mugs and set one down in front of her before he took the seat across from her.  “You taking off again?” There was no beating around the bush, no sugar coating of the question.  They’d never been the type of friends to fall into such social norms. 

Natasha wrapped her hands around the mug and took a sip before she answered.  She knew she couldn’t - for so many reasons - but that didn’t mean the desire wasn’t still  _ there _ .  She wondered it it would ever quiet now that she had given in once, that little voice that followed her so often.  Leave.  Run.  Escape.  Never look back.  She shook her head.  “No,” she said - more to herself than to Clint.  

“Because of Steve?” Clint asked.  While Natasha’s reasons for leaving had been wrapped up in the man, Clint knew Steve.  If Steve knew he had a kid, Clint doubted he could let that walk away that easily.  

She took another drink and looked over at Alex.  “That’s part of it,” she answered.  The truth of it was Natasha knew if she wanted to disappear again she  _ could.   _ She could put herself so far below the radar Steve would never find her if that’s what she really wanted to do.  She just wasn’t sure if that was the right thing anymore.  She looked away from Alex and let her gaze fall to the mug in her hands.  “She’s three years old Clint and she’s never made a friend, she’s never stayed in one place longer than a handful of months, she’s never had a birthday party,” she tried to keep her voice even but she knew Clint would hear the guilt in it, the shame.  She swallowed hard.  “Everything she owns fits in two suitcases,” she looked up.  “That’s no life for a child.  She deserves more than what I had.”  

“Natasha…” Clint said gently. 

“I know,” she conceded. “I know it's not the Red Room - but it's not normal just the same,” she explained. 

“And you think being Captain America's kid is going to be normal?” he pointed out. 

Natasha shrugged. “No, probably not. But we can stay one one place, she can go to school, she can make friends, she'll have a family.”  It would be more normal than the constant moving they'd had up until now. Natasha knew her daughter deserved that at the least - as much stability as she could give her.  

Clint took a drink of his coffee and eyed Natasha over the edge of the mug. “You know I won't try to talk you out of it,” he said. He'd much rather have them close. “Speaking of family,” he started, “Laura is gonna kill you.”

Natasha laughed softly. “I'm hoping bringing her a niece will let me off the hook.”

“Don't get your hopes up too much,” he paused, a twinkle in his eye. “Pregnancy makes her cranky and you know it,” he added casually. 

Natasha's eyes widened before she broke out into a grin. “I thought you two were done.”

“So did I,” Clint replied with a chuckle. “It's good though, Lila’s over the moon about getting to be a big sister.”

“Congratulations, Clint,” Natasha said. She took another drink and wrapped her hands around the warmth of the mug again when she set it down. 

She went quiet for a few moments and Clint let it linger. He could see the wheels turning in her head and knew she was trying to steady herself for a change of conversation. “How bad was it?” she finally asked and looked back up at Clint. 

He immediately knew what she was asking and he let out a slow breath. “You left,” he started gently. “He loved you and you left without any explanation. I don't know what to tell you Nat, it was real bad. How could it not have been.”

She nodded solemnly. She knew she shouldn't have asked - but her guilt wanted the self torture. Her guilt needed her to suffer. “And Sharon?” she prompted. Somewhere something must have let up, somewhere along the line he had moved on. 

“Last year,” Clint answered. “She came on a couple missions, right before he found Bucky. She helped him through a lot of that and it came out of there,” he knew maybe it was more than she would  _ want  _ to hear, but things she had probably convinced herself she  _ needed  _ to hear. 

Natasha's hands fiddled with the coffee mug as she steeled her expression into neutrality. She was jealous and she damn well knew it. It hurt - even though she knew she had no right to feel like that. She tried to shove it aside, to convince herself the only reason she was asking was because of Alex. That if Steve would be in her life that would potentially mean Sharon too. “Is it serious?”  she knew it was serious enough that they had bought a house, but she needed to hear it from Clint. 

Clint watched her and the expression that he was sure she was sure hid her inner struggle. He debated his answer. He knew he was biased. Natasha was his best friend and Sharon?  Well, Sharon was real nice but he didn’t know her the same.  So if he didn’t see the same spark between Steve and Sharon as he had with Steve and Natasha that was just him.  It had to have been - but then again.

_ “I bought a ring,” Steve said as they started packing up for the mission.  The hanger was quiet, just the two of them and he wasn’t sure if he’d get another opportunity like this again. _

_ “Well, I’m real flattered, Cap, but you might be barking up the wrong tree with me,” Clint retorted as he set some of his arrows into their casing.   _

_ “Funny.” Steve smirked.  “For Natasha - “ _

_ “And you’re telling me because?” Clint pointed out.   _

_ Steve flushed and there was a small - okay, maybe more than small - part of Clint that felt bad for the guy but not enough to make this any easier on him either.   _

_ “Well I - I just - I thought - “ Steve stammered out and rubbed a hand against the back of his neck.  “You’re the closest thing she’s got to family and I just - “ _

_ “Are you asking my permission, Rogers?” Clint asked with a raise of his brow.   _

_ “I guess?” Steve replied - somewhere between a question and answer - and immediately regretted bringing it up in the first place.  He just knew this was the proper thing to do - when you wanted to marry a woman there were certain steps one had to take.   _

_ Clint couldn’t help but laugh softly.  “Natasha’s a big girl, Cap, she doesn’t need you asking me anything on her behalf,” he paused.  “That said I know you make her happy, happier than I’ve ever seen her and if you’re itching to make that a more permanent situation, well, I’d be happy to see it happen.”  He looked at Steve and gave the other man a warm smile.   _

_ “Just don’t take it personally if it takes her a while to say yes,”  he added with a small chuckle.  “Or if she laughs in your face for being an old fashioned sap - “ _

As far as Clint knew Steve hadn’t bought Sharon a ring and they’d been together longer than he and Natasha had when she’d disappeared.  Maybe Steve was scared, maybe there was something else going on, but Clint couldn’t help but think that it might mean something.  He took a drink of his coffee before he spoke.  “I don’t know what to tell you, Nat, they bought that place, it seems pretty serious,” he paused.  “But things are different now,” he added and held her gaze.  “Kids change things.”

Natasha took a moment to look at Aleksandra again and smiled softly. “Yeah, they do.”

  
  
  


Later that afternoon while Natasha worked on getting her and Aleksandra settled in their suite there was a knock on the door. She set down the clothes she had been folding - fresh from the dryer - and moved to answer it. She'd known it would be Steve, so there was no surprise when Jarvis announced him as she got to the door. 

“Hey,” she said, hand curled around the door. 

“Hi,” Steve replied. He glanced away and then back at her as he cleared his throat. “Can I come in?”

Natasha nodded. “Yeah, of course.”  She stepped aside so he could come in, closing the door behind them. 

“You two settling in alright?” Steve asked as they moved into the living room.  “Where's Alex?”

Natasha moved her laundry piles to the coffee table so they could sit on the couch. “We're getting there, I've always hated unpacking,” she said with a small smile as Steve nodded. How many times had he teased her about her habit of putting it off more often than not. She nodded back toward the open door of one of the bedrooms. “Going through some catalogues Tony gave her to pick out furniture for her room,” she smirked, trying to show annoyance but there was some warmth to it none the less at how quickly everyone had taken to Alex. 

Steve shook his head a little and smiled.  “Sorry, he's bound and determined to make up for three years of spoiling.”  He leaned forward on the couch and rested his arms on his knees as a silence settled between them.  He couldn’t help but wonder if this would be their new normal - charged silences and not knowing what to say to each other.  He wondered if he would ever be able to look at her and not feel the sudden knee jerk reaction of anger at what had happened, if he would ever be able to forgive that and move forward.   

“What does she know?  About her father, about me?” he asked after a moment and glanced at Natasha, he could see her visibly stiffen at the question.  Would they forever be doomed now to have nothing but awkward conversations.  But he had to know.  Did Alex think he hadn’t wanted her, that he wasn’t around because he had  _ chosen _ that?  Or worse.  Did she think he wasn’t around because he  _ wasn’t around. _ Would Natasha have gone  _ that _ far?  He’d like to think she wouldn’t - but then he was starting to realize maybe he’d never known her as well as he thought he did. 

“I -” she started and paused to steady herself.  “I told her that her father loved her very much, but that he couldn’t be with her right now.  I told her that there were people who relied on you, who needed you to keep them safe and that you wanted to be with her, but you couldn’t.”  She let her head fall, she wondered if it sounded as weak as it felt.  As full of holes now that everything was out in the open.  She wondered if it would be just another thing she had done  _ wrong. _

Steve let out a slow breath and raked a hand through his hair while the words settled on him.  He wasn’t sure if in Natasha’s position he would have found any better explanation, but that didn’t make it sting any less.  He knew maybe it wasn’t fair - but he didn’t  _ want _ to be fair right then - to think that it sounded like she had told his daughter other people were more important than her.  Logically he knew that wasn’t exactly the case, that Natasha wouldn’t have made it sound like  _ that _ , but his own anger at the situation didn’t much let him deal in logic right then.  His jaw clenched and he pressed his lips together as he tried to think of what to say to all of that. 

“Steve…” she started after a long, tense, moment had passed.  

“Don’t,” he said shortly.  His eyes had settled across the room and he took another moment before he dared to look back at her.  “I want to tell her who I am,” he said.

Natasha nodded.  She knew he would, it wasn’t a shock to hear him say it.  “Alright,” she agreed.  “When?”

Steve sat up and glanced around the room before he looked back at her.  “I was thinking now?”  His heart hammered at the thought of it, of  _ how _ he would say what he was about to say - but he didn’t want to wait.  

_ Now. _  The word sent her into an internal panic and she struggled to keep it from showing.  “I don’t - “ she started and swallowed hard before she continued.  “I don’t know, Steve, we just got here, she needs time to settle in before throwing something big like that at her.  It’s been a hard few days with travelling and being sick, and… “ she trailed off.   _ What if you change your mind.  What if  _ **_I_ ** _ change my mind.   _

“These aren’t  _ just _ your decisions anymore, Natasha,” he said.  “I want to tell her, I don’t want her to get more confused about who I am than she already is.”  Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was more for his own stubborn reasons and maybe it wasn’t the right thing - but before he could think on it too much Natasha nodded.

“Okay, we can tell her now,” she said softly.  She caught his gaze and held it for a moment.  “Are you  _ sure?”  _ she asked, “completely sure?  Once you tell her there’s no going back, Steve.  She’ll  _ know _ you and it will be so much harder for her to deal with you not being there once she knows you.”  For the life of her Natasha wasn’t sure if she wanted him to run for the hills at that or not.  

Steve nodded and she could see the determined look in his eye and she knew right then that he wouldn’t run.  For better or worse he was there and he wasn’t going anywhere.  “I’m sure, Natasha,” he declared.  

Steve paused in the doorway as they moved into Alex’s room.  He’d done countless things in his life that most would classify as terrifying, but he’d never quite felt that sensation until then.  Terrified.  He knew that Natasha was right, there was no going back.  But as he watched Alex look up from the catalogue Tony had given her and saw her features brighten when she saw him he knew he would never  _ want _ to go back.  

“Hi, Steve,” Alex said brightly and Steve couldn’t help the warm smile at the greeting.  

“ Malyshka,” Natasha started as she moved to sit on the bed beside Alex.  “Steve and I - “ she gave a quick glance up at Steve, “we have something we need to talk to you about.”

Aleksandra looked from her Mom to Steve as he moved more into the room and pulled over a chair to sit on.  She seemed to sense it was something important and closed the catalogue she had been looking at and looked back to Natasha.  “Yes, Mama?”

Natasha reached a hand across and tucked some stray hair out of Alex’s face.  “Remember how I said Steve was my friend?” 

“And my friend too, right?” Alex asked and looked to Steve for affirmation. 

“Yes, and your friend too,” Natasha clarified and shifted a little where she sat on the bed.  “But he’s not  _ just _ your friend, Aleksandra,” she added.  “Malyshka, Steve is your…” she trailed off and looked up at Steve.  It wasn’t that she didn’t  _ want _ to tell Alex, she was just worried of all the ramifications of doing so.  Nothing would ever be the same from this moment on.

“Alex,” Steve took over and leaned forward in the chair as Alex looked at him.  “I’m your father,” he blurted out.  “And I’d very much like to get to know you,” he continued and gave her a soft smile. 

Alex looked to Natasha who nodded.  “He is, love,” she confirmed.   


Steve watched closely as Alex worked through the revelation.  There was a sudden, sobering thought of what if she didn’t want him, what if she was angry at him being gone for so long and he had lost his chance.  His hands laced together and he was sure his knuckles were white with how hard he pressed his fingers together. Alex had looked down, and she seemed to be lost in her own thoughts before she suddenly lifted her head and looked at Steve.

“Are they all saved?” she asked, suddenly.  

“Who are you talking about?” Steve asked, confused by the question.

“Mama said you were gone because you had to save people,” Alex explained, “are they all saved?”  Her eyes were wide as she looked at Steve, and while the logic of it maybe wasn’t entirely sound he knew the sentiment was.  

He struggled briefly for an answer and settled on as close to the truth as he could get without making it too complicated.  He shook his head slightly.  “No, they’re not all saved, Alex,” as much as he would love to tell her otherwise he knew he couldn’t.  He knew soon enough some mission would call him away.  “But I thought I’d see about doing both - saving people and being your Dad,” he said gently.  “Because I’d really like to be your Dad, Alex,” his voice cracked slightly on the words.  

Alex glanced between her parents and then settled her eyes back on Steve.  “Are you going to live here too then?” she asked, a slight confusion in her voice as her nose crinkled. 

Steve shook his head.  “No, just you and your Mom are going to live here,” he began.  “I have my own house, where we met the other day,” he explained. 

“Oh,” she said and Steve gave a quick glance to Natasha at the twinge of disappointment in their daughter’s voice. 

“We’ll still see each other though,” Steve reassured Alex as he looked back to her.  “I’m here a lot, and you can come to visit me.  I was even thinking that maybe tomorrow we could go do something fun, maybe we could go to the Zoo, would you like that?”

That seemed to curb Alex’s disappointment and her face brightened at the idea.  “With all the animals?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Steve said with a nod, relieved that the idea perked her back up.  “With all the animals.”  

Alex’s mouth curved into a smile.  “Can we go now?” she asked.  

Steve and Natasha laughed softly at the question.  “It’s a little late now, Alex,” Steve said softly.  “But tomorrow I’ll come over early and we can have some breakfast and go,” he promised her.  

Alex seemed satisfied by the response and then hopped off her bed.  She moved to the suitcase on the floor and dug through the small collection of things until she produced a little jewelry box.  Steve watched her as she moved closer and stopped in front of him.  She opened the box, a little ballerina popped up and  _ Swan Lake _ broke the silence of the room.  She pulled something out and set the box on her bed before she handed Steve a familiar chain.  

Steve turned it over in his hand, his dog tags that had been missing as long as Natasha had.  He glanced over at her, his eyes wide.  Natasha pressed her lips into a tight line and shrugged.  Her eyes were glossy and she looked away quickly.  

“Mama said they were yours,” Alex said, and Steve turned his gaze back to his daughter.

He turned the tags over one more time and then reached for her hand. He placed them back in hers and smiled warmly.  “They are, but I think you should keep them still,” he said as he cupped her face with his hand and leaned in to press a soft kiss to her forehead.  It didn’t fix it, it didn’t make the pain and anger at the situation he felt that much less, but it did help a little - to know that all this time she’d had a part of him wherever they had gone.  That even though he hadn’t  _ been _ there, she’d at least had that.  

Alex grinned and set about putting the dog tags back.  She set the jewelry box on the dresser.  She then proceeded to move back to her suitcase and started to pull out other little toys and bring them over to Steve.  

Natasha watched with a soft smile as their daughter started to chatter away to her father.  She watched the wonder and  _ love _ that shone through Steve’s eyes as he talked with Aleksandra.  It wasn’t the first time her thoughts had drifted down a path of what if, but it was the first time it hit her this hard.  Now she  _ knew _ \- she could see it in Steve’s face, his expressions as he interacted with their daughter - and she couldn’t help but think of what it would have been like to have him from the start.  To have seen the same awed look when Alex had been born, those precious first days when  _ everything _ was so new and novel.  When every breath was watched and every little movement was a constant source of amazement.  How would he have reacted at the first crawl, first steps, her first word.  Natasha swallowed hard against the lump that started to form in her throat, blinked rapidly against the wetness that had started to pool in the corner of her eyes.  She quietly got up and exited the room while Steve and Alex were distracted. 

She moved back into the living room and continued to fold her laundry.  Steve and Alex’s voices filtered into the space and there was something very bittersweet about the moment.  A life that maybe they could have had if she had chosen differently.  A life that she had thought of so often.  A life that tormented her those long nights when she had nothing to distract  her from her thoughts and her own doubts.  

Steve stayed for a few hours and Natasha walked him to the door when the afternoon had turned into evening.  She handed him a small USB stick as he opened the door and turned back to look at her.     
  
“What’s this?” he asked as he took the device.

“Every picture I’ve taken the past three years,” she answered.  “I thought you should have a copy,” she said. “I know it’s not - “ the same, even close to the same, she trailed off with a small shrug.  

Steve curled his hand around the drive and gave her a tight smile.  “Thank you,” he said as he tucked it into his pocket.  He hung his head for a moment and then looked at her.  “Can I ask you something?”

Natasha nodded.  “Yeah, sure.”

“Did you know when you came back that I would ask you not to go again?” he asked.   
  
Natasha nodded again.  “Of course.”  She’d  _ thought _ of the possibility of other outcomes, but she knew Steve.  She had known there was only one way this was ending when she showed back up in his life with their daughter.

“Because it’s the right thing to do?” he prompted.  It wasn’t an accusation against her, or some subtle dig, but rather a question he hadn’t voiced until now.  

She shook her head a little.  “No.”  She caught his eye at his surprised expression.  “I don’t know if it’s the right thing, Steve,” she continued.  “But I also don’t know if you  _ not _ being in her life is the right thing either.”  She paused for a moment.  “And I’m done trying to make that call on my own,” she assured him.  “I do know though that by leaving I told you you couldn’t do something,” there was a small smirk, though it was a far cry from the teasing ones she had given him in the past.  “If there’s one thing I know about you it’s that when someone tells you you can’t do something you're too damn stubborn to not to prove them wrong.” 

He ducked his head with a bit of a smile at that. There was a twinge in the pit of his stomach at it all.  Even now, even after all this time it was her who knew him better than most.   _And we knew you’d do the right thing -_ Sharon’s words from before echoed in his mind.  Not that she had been _wrong_ necessarily, but she hadn’t been entirely _right_ either.  Steve forced the thoughts from his mind - he knew it was a dangerous path to start walking down and one that wasn’t fair to either woman.  

He glanced back up at Natasha and huffed a small laugh.  “Yeah, well, stubborn hasn’t let me down yet,” he said lightly.  “So where does that leave us - what do we do now?” he asked after a short pause.

Natasha held his gaze and then smiled.  “We take it as it comes?” she suggested.  “One day at a time.  Get through today, get through tomorrow, and figure it out along the way.”  

Steve mulled that over and then gave her a smile, probably the most sincere he’d given her since she’d shown up.   “One day at a time,” he repeated with a nod.  “We can do that.  I’ll see you tomorrow,” he added and turned to walk away.  

 

  
  


That night Steve found himself unable to sleep - which in and of itself wasn’t an uncommon occurrence.  He’d always needed a little bit less than the average person, a side effect of the serum that ran through his blood.  Add in a restless mind and it was more often than not a recipe for a long night.  He gently lifted Sharon’s arm that was slung around his midsection, and slid his out from underneath her.  She shifted a little, but rolled onto her side and seemed to stay asleep.  

Steve made his way into the study - what would soon be Alex’s room - and sat at the desk.  He picked the USB drive Natasha had given him up and slipped it into the side of his laptop.  The folder of images loaded up and he stared at the countless thumbnails for a moment.  His daughter’s life in pictures.  A life he had missed, a life he would never be able to get back.  He ran a hand over his face as his emotions threatened to pull him under.  He scrolled to the end, to where the face matched the one he had just left this afternoon and clicked it open.   
  
It took him a good hour to click through all the photos.  He had to stop every now and then when the screen blurred with the moisture in his eyes.  When something in one of the images would hit him just a little bit harder than the others and he’d have to look away, collect himself and start again.  He watched her life in reverse, from as recent as a few days ago up until her features started getting chubby, her body impossibly tiny and her head of strawberry blonde hair turned lighter and shorter.  Natasha had been nothing if not thorough in her documentation.     
  
He knew he was near the end of the images.  Alex was nothing more than a tiny little infant, eyes closed and asleep in almost every photo, laying on a bed or clearly in Natasha’s arms as she snapped a photo from above.  He clicked back one more image and his breath caught in his throat as the next one loaded.  Alex was curled up against Natasha’s chest, her tiny little head tucked against Natasha’s face and her arm curled around Alex’s body, fingers resting on the top of her head.  Natasha had her head turned from the camera, her nose pressed into Alex’s forehead, both their eyes closed.  Steve had to glance away from the intimacy of it, at the emotion it stirred in him.  He pressed a hand to his mouth, his eyes blinked rapidly against the wetness that pooled in them before he dared to look again.  

He knew the pieces.  Alex was his daughter, Natasha was her mother.  He knew the biology of it all and the social constructs.  He knew that half of him collided with half of her and Alex was what came out.  He knew how it all  _ worked _ .  But he hadn’t truly  _ known _ until that moment. Until he saw the serenity on Natasha’s face, the calm on Alex’s.  The way they  _ fit _ together so perfectly.  And God if it didn’t him harder than any punch right then.   _ Natasha was the mother of his child. _  In all its impossibilities and long shots, it was every fleeting thought he’d had when they’d been together.  Every little moment when he dared to let his mind wander to this, to how beautiful of a mother she would be, to what kind of child they would have - even though he knew for so many reasons they  _ couldn’t. _

Every half remembered dream, every what if and maybe.  All wrapped up in an image on his screen and God how it  _ hurt  _  in some soul crushing way that he had never thought possible.  How hard it was to  _ see _ that moment but not have been a part of it.  To know her arm offscreen was what captured it and not himself.  He shut the screen and pressed his hand to his forehead.  In all of those little moments he had dared to think of this, it had never been like this.   _ This _ had never been something he had prepared himself for.     
  
Steve pushed his chair back and stood.  He moved to the window and let his hands grip the ledge as he stared down at the street.  His mind ran in a million directions and he wondered if anything would ever make sense again.  He forced himself to focus, to remember that tomorrow he would see Alex.  They would go to the Zoo.  Everything would come together, he just had to remember that it wouldn’t happen overnight.  He could handle this - one day at a time. 


	4. Chapter 4

“You sure I can't convince you to come?” Steve asked Sharon as he tossed a bottle of sunscreen -  SPF 60, purchased first thing that morning after a lengthy discussion with the sales associate about the spray versus non spray, oil free, moisturizing, broad spectrum, and every other technical term regarding sun protection that Steve had never debated until that morning -   into a backpack along with a couple water bottles and snacks. 

Sharon handed him a few apples from the fridge which went also into the bag and shook her head. “I'll come next time, you two use the day to get to know each other without a stranger hanging around.”

Steve closed the bag and then moved to lean against the edge of the counter. “You're not a stranger.”

“I am to her,” Sharon pointed out. She understood and appreciated Steve's viewpoint but the truth was she  _ was _ a stranger to Alex. They  _ both  _ were.  It was a heartbreaking truth, but the truth none the less.  Though she supposed if Steve  _ wasn’t _ a stranger to Alex, well - those were thoughts Sharon had quickly realized weren’t worth thinking and most often ended with her feeling like a terrible person.  “She needs time to adjust to having her father first, before having her father's girlfriend tagging along,” she added with a smile and hopped up to sit on the counter beside Steve. 

Steve turned to face her and his hands moved to rest on her thighs as she laced her own behind his neck. “You're important to me, Sharon,” he started and paused to press a quick kiss to her lips.  He wasn’t even sure if  _ important _ covered it, Steve knew Sharon was a big part of how he’d managed to pull himself out of the depression from losing Natasha, and she had been key in helping when he’d finally found Bucky.  He had been so hesitant to move forward with her, but he had, and now he wanted them to move forward in this new turn in their lives.  “And I want Alex to know you, and you to know her.” 

Sharon smiled and brushed her lips against his. “We will, but I don't want to rush her,” her hands moved to cup his face and she took a moment to kiss him again. “I can wait, Steve,” she assured him.  She  _ would  _ wait.  It was the right thing to do.  “Now go, or you'll be late,” she said with a soft chuckle as she pulled back. 

  
  
  
  


“Hey,” Steve said as Natasha opened the door and let him in. She was in what Steve had long since learned was Natasha's  _ I'm awake but I'm not happy about it  _ look. Rumpled sleep pants and a tank top, a giant mug of coffee, not a stitch of makeup on, hair a mess, and a vaguely annoyed at the world look on her face. He had forgotten how adorable she looked like that. How  _ normal _ , she looked in the mornings and a far cry from the perfectly polished persona of the infamous Black Widow.  It tugged at him and for the briefest of moments he almost forgot the past nearly four years had happened.   

“Morning,” she replied lazily and led Steve into the living room. “She's been up since five waiting to go,” Natasha said with sigh as she glanced behind her at Steve.  “ _ Five _ , Steve,” she repeated.  “I've just gotten used to not being up at five anymore,” she pointed out. Not that she got much in the way of  _ sleeping in _ , but the typical eight am was a hell of a lot better than five - and other than the odd nights here and there Alex tended to sleep straight through the night too.  But the excitement of monkeys and other animals and a day with her Daddy had proved too much to fight and Alex had all but jumped into Natasha’s bed a few minutes before five that morning. 

Steve just chuckled a little. “I'm not even a little sorry,” he teased her.

“Of course you're not,” Natasha said with a shake of her head as they moved into the living room.  “ Malyshka,” she called out to Alex, “Daddy's here.”   
  
The way Natasha announced him warmed him, but he didn’t have much time to linger on it before Alex ran out of her room and hugged him tight around his legs.  “Is it time to go see the monkeys?” she asked and leaned her head back to look up at him, a bright grin on her face.

  
Steve laughed and leaned down to pick her up.  “It’s time to go see the monkeys,” he answered her as she settled against his hip, her arms looped around his neck.  

Natasha had leaned down and picked up a hat from the couch, she moved over to Steve and Aleksandra and tugged it onto her daughter’s head.  “You remember what I said, Alex?  Be good, stay close to Daddy, listen…” she trailed off as Alex looked from Steve to her.     
  
“Are you not coming?” she asked, eyes wide.   
  
“No baby girl, we talked about that remember?” Natasha answered quickly.  She reached a hand up to fix Alex’s hair under the hat and gave her a reassuring smile.  “Just you and Daddy today.” 

Steve could feel the shift in Alex’s demeanor as the words sunk in.  She stiffened in his arms and then reached hers out for Natasha. He handed Alex off and watched as the girl buried her face into Natasha's neck. 

“It'll be okay, Malyshka,” Natasha started as a hand moved to smooth over Alex’s hair. “I'll be right here when you get back and you can tell me all about your day at the zoo.”  Natasha didn't much like it either, and it was only because it was  _ Steve  _ that she was even close to okay with spending the whole day away from her daughter. She didn't want to encroach on Steve's time with Alex though, and more than that she didn't want any awkwardness between her and Steve to taint Alex’s day.  But it was still hard, and she knew it would be for a while, getting used to the idea of it no longer being  _ just _ them.    

Alex sniffled and shook her head. She tightened her arms around her mother's neck and buried her face in deeper. It was muffled and in Russian, but Steve could make out a few words of protest and it broke his heart. Natasha spoke quietly back in her native tongue, reassuring their daughter and it dawned on him that Alex had never done this before. Gone somewhere without her mom. For three years it had been nothing but her and Natasha.  Everywhere she went, Natasha would have gone too.  So Steve couldn't blame her for the hesitation.  He thought of what Sharon had said earlier, that she was a stranger, and Steve realized that he was too. He might be Alex’s father, but he was still a stranger. 

He caught Natasha’s eye as she looked up and over at him - her expression apologetic. Steve just shook his head.  Everything that had brought them to this place didn't matter. He couldn't dwell in the anger of being a stranger to his own child, couldn't be angry at Natasha for that fact. Right then all that mattered was that Alex was upset and there was a fairly easy solution to make it better. 

“Alex,” he started and took a step in closer to the two. “What if Mommy came with us, would that be better?”  He gave a quick glance to Natasha, realizing he'd just signed her up for a day at the zoo that she had not really been planning on. 

Alex sniffled and lifted her head from Natasha's neck to be able to look at her mother. “Can you, Mama?” she asked quietly, her little hands tangled in Natasha’s red hair.  

Natasha held Steve's gaze with a look that clearly said  _ are you sure _ . He nodded. Maybe it wasn't the original plan for the day, but making sure Alex would feel comfortable was more important than his own hesitations. 

“Of course, Aleksandra,” Natasha said and took a moment to wipe at Alex’s eyes before she put her down.  “I’ll just go get changed,” she said and moved toward her room.

 

  


  
  
“Two adults and a child,” Steve said as they approached the admissions gate and the teller looked up at them.  Alex had insisted on being picked up halfway through the parking lot and seemed content to stay in Steve’s arms, her legs wrapped around his midsection.  To his side he caught a small smirk on Natasha’s face and he looked to her.  “Don’t,” he said lightly as he knew  _ exactly _ where her mind was going.  She just gave him an innocent smile and Steve shook his head.  “I’m serious, Nat,” he declared.

Natasha smiled a little as  _ Nat _ slipped from his lips, and it wasn’t anything even close to what they once had but in that moment there was a small bit of hope that tugged at her, hope that maybe they could at least salvage a friendship out of the damage she had caused.  She gave him a devious grin and then turned to the poor girl behind the till who was about to be be dragged into a years long war her and Steve had been waging.  “One adult, one child, and one senior citizen,” she corrected Steve.  

The girl, who couldn’t have been more than seventeen just looked helplessly between the two of them.  “You have to be sixty five for the senior citizen rate,” she pointed out dryly.     
  
“He’s pushing a hundred,” Natasha replied.     
  
The teller glanced back at Steve.  “Sure he is.”   
  
“Natasha…” Steve started and he shifted his weight a little under the scrutiny of the teller before he looked at Natasha.    
  
Natasha laughed softly, she had forgotten how amusing it was to tease him like this.  “He has ID,” she offered to the girl and reached for Steve’s wallet as he fumbled to open it while holding onto Alex.  Natasha flipped it open to get his license but paused when a photo of Steve and Sharon was the first thing she spotted.  It looked like some kind of photobooth type setup at what she assumed was a Stark event given they were fairly dressed up, they had on big novelty sunglasses and hats, two little pictures on a print the size of a card that Steve had slipped in front of his license.  In the first image they were both looking at the camera with big smiles, and in the second Sharon had leaned over and pressed her lips to Steve’s cheek and he had a grin on his face.  They looked  _ happy _ and she found herself having to swallow hard against a lump that had formed in her throat.   _ Be happy that he’s happy, _ she told herself as she tried to push aside the jealousy that had reared its ugly head.     
  
Steve noticed her hesitation at the photo and shifted Alex on his hip so he could free a hand.  He gently took the wallet from Natasha, their eyes met for a moment and he felt a pang of pain at the hurt in hers.  He knew he shouldn’t.  He knew that he hadn’t been wrong in moving on, that there had been no way he could have known  _ why _ Natasha had left.  Hell he hadn’t even known if she would have ever come back.  He had moved on because he  _ had _ to, because holding onto her had been killing him.  It  _ still _ was.  His fingers brushed hers as he took the wallet and he quickly glanced away.  He pulled his license out from behind the photo and gave Natasha a small, but tentative, smile as he handed it to the teller.   
  
The girl, oblivious to the drama that unfolded before her, looked over the card.  She glanced from it to Steve and raised a brow.  “You’re shitting me, right dude?” 

Natasha couldn’t contain the snort of laughter at that, and it helped to ease the tension that had settled between her and Steve.  “He’s definitely not shitting you,” Natasha answered between a few chuckles.     
  
The girl shrugged and handed the ID back.  “I can’t decide if you’re just the world’s best looking senior citizen or you just really went to a lot of effort to save five bucks.  Either way… one adult, one kid, and one hot grandpa....” she said as she rung it up.

“Daddy…” Alex started once they had headed into the Zoo, Steve had moved her from around his midsection to sit up on his shoulders and her tiny arms curled around his neck.     
  
“Yes, Alex?” Steve prompted.   
  
“Are you really a hundred years old?” she asked as she leaned her head down to look at him.     
  
Steve ducked his head with a smile and then looked up at her.  “Ninety nine, actually,” he  corrected her gently. 

“But you don’t look old,” Alex pointed out.    


Steve laughed at that and shook his head.  “No, I don’t,” he agreed.  He knew there was a high likelihood he might  _ never _ look his age thanks to the serum, but that wasn’t something he wanted to get into right then and there.  “I’m ninety nine,” he started, “but I was…” he trailed off for a moment as he debated the easiest way to explain it.  “Asleep,” he settled on, “for a lot of those years.”     
  
“Oh, like in Snow White?” Alex asked.  

Steve shot Natasha a look when she laughed at the comparison and he knew he was never going to live that one down.  “Yeah, kind of like in Snow White,” he agreed none the less and looked back up at Alex.  “No dwarves though,” he added with a smile.   
  
“How did you wake up?” Alex asked and her eyes went wide as soon as the words had left her mouth.  “Oh!  Was it Mama?  Did she kiss you like in the movie - “

“Aleksandra…” Natasha said evenly. She met Steve’s eyes when he glanced over at her and mouthed a quick  _ sorry _ , but Steve gave a dismissive wave of his hand _. _ __   
__   
As he held her gaze he tried to not let his thoughts go in a direction they shouldn’t, tried not to look at Natasha and realize that in so many ways Alex  _ was _ right.  Maybe not in the literal sense, but long after he’d been pulled from the ice he was still asleep.  He had gone through the motions but hadn’t truly  _ lived _ .  It hadn’t been until he’d been partnered with Natasha that he had started to come out of his shell.  Something that had been slow going at best, and it had only been once they had gone from partners to friends to something  _ more _ that he truly started to feel at home in his new life.  Natasha had woken him up in so many ways, some he wasn’t even sure if she even knew about herself.  She had taken him, broken and bent, and reshaped him back into something that resembled an actual human being.    
  
He had to break the eye contact with her and his head hung down for a moment before he glanced quickly around their surroundings.  There was a sign just ahead with some directions and he pointed at the direction the sign indicated for the monkey complex.  “Looks like the monkeys are that way,” he said, and grinned as Alex let out an excited cheer.     
  
It was surprisingly easy he realized, to fall back into something close to comfortable companionship with Natasha as the day wore on.  There were moments of course, but Alex tended to keep them in good spirits and it was easy to find himself  _ enjoying _ his afternoon, not just with Alex as that he assumed would have happened no matter what, but with Natasha too.  The raw pain was still there so close to the surface, but it was easy to forget it for a while as Alex dragged them from animal to animal and her excitement and wonder rubbed off on them.  It was hard to let himself wallow in much when she was just so damn happy to be with the both of them.     
  
Steve and Natasha squatted next to Alex as she pressed her face up to the glass of the penguin tank, her eyes wide with fascination as the creatures dove into the water and swam in front of her.  He let his gaze flicker up to Natasha and watched her as she watched their daughter.  A soft expression on her face, warm and open in a way he had never seen on her.  Full of nothing but love and Steve couldn’t help but think that she was  _ meant _ for this.  That despite all the hurt and pain she had gone through, despite the way the world had tried again and again to break her, to pull her apart and rip out everything good inside of her, she had persevered, and for the first time was truly letting herself know just how much love she was capable of.  He had seen it when they were together of course, how she opened up - how they had reminded each other they were still able to  _ feel. _  But it was so much  __ more now, she seemed at peace in a way he had never thought she would be and he couldn’t help but be enthralled by it.

Natasha looked up and there was was a brief moment when she met his gaze.  The way he looked at her made her heart skip a beat and she smiled softly before she broke the moment and scanned their surrounding area. She stiffened as she turned to look behind her. She turned back and looked at Steve. “Your two o’clock,” she told him quietly. 

Steve darted his eyes up in the direction she had mentioned and immediately saw her cause for concern. A man stood near the entrance of the penguin exhibit, his face hidden behind a camera that was clearly pointed at them. He ducked his head and turned Alex gently so her back would be to the man. He suddenly felt like an idiot. What was he thinking - a ball cap and a pair of shades and  _ no one _ would notice Captain America hanging around the zoo with a kid?  He felt so exposed then suddenly and every fight instinct kicked into overdrive.  His jaw set, hands clenched against his legs and he was about two second away from doing something about it before Natasha’s hand moved over one of his.  She caught his eye and the deadly calm on her face brought him back from the rage that had started to fill him.    

“I'll be right back,” Natasha said and waited for him to acknowledge her with a nod, waited for him to start to unclench his fists slight before stood up. Steve watched as she moved toward the man, putting herself between him and the exit and there was a small part of Steve who hoped the man tried to run.  He knew logically that Natasha being able to handle the situation without drawing attention to it would be best - but that man had sat there taking photos of their  _ daughter _ , Steve was shocked by how much that made him shake with anger, how much he wanted to rip that damn camera from the man’s hands with force instead of the quiet way he knew Natasha would play it. 

Steve wasn't sure exactly what Natasha said to the man, but he was sure it wasn't anything too pleasant as he paled and quickly handed over the camera. Natasha removed the SD card and handed the camera back before she made her way back to Alex and Steve. “You okay?” she asked Steve as she handed him the SD card. 

Steve nodded and slipped the card into his pocket. “Yeah, fine,” he answered quickly.  He glanced around, suddenly aware of every person, of every camera and every phone and wondered if someone else had noticed.  Had he let himself become so distracted by Alex that there were already images of her out there - would he go home to find her face all over social media and all the speculation that would follow.  Had he just made the biggest mistake by insisting he was in her life.  

Natasha couldn't help but notice the lack of confidence in the words, the way they were more a reflex than what he might actually  _ feel.  _ Not that she blamed him. The prospect of their daughter being public knowledge terrified her as well. While she had no doubt she and Steve had some very powerful friends - friends who she knew would do everything they could to protect Aleksandra - she also knew they had enemies too. Enemies who would view Alex as collateral to hold over Steve, enemies who would see not a little girl but rather a way to get their hands on the serum if it ever got out that it ran through her veins.  That was the trade off for having her father in her life, she couldn’t stay hidden.      
  
“Daddy look!” Alex cried suddenly and pointed at the penguin that swam past them and it pulled both Steve and Natasha from their thoughts.     
  
“You think someone’s already put pictures out there?” he asked Natasha later - quietly as they sat on a bench by a small park that Alex ran around in.  He watched her climb up the stairs of the slide and go down with a delighted laugh.  Another little girl around her age played with her and the two had settled into some kind of game that only kids could make up on the fly.  Steve lifted a bottle of water to his lips to take a drink.     
  
“You want the real answer or the answer you  _ want _ to hear?” Natasha countered and looked from Alex to Steve.  “She can’t stay hidden forever,” she said softly after a moment.  “I was already starting to realize that one,” she admitted.  Even if her every instinct said run, even if she viewed every person in the whole damn zoo with more than a little paranoia, Natasha knew that Alex deserved better than being kept hidden for the rest of her life.  She had meant what she’d said to Clint - she wanted Alex to have at least a shot at normal.  She watched Steve as he looked over at Alex, his jaw set hard and she fought the urge to reach out, to place a reassuring hand on his.  “She’s got us, Steve,” she started instead, “and we’re not going to let anything happen to her.”

Steve looked to her and nodded.  “No, we’re not,” he agreed.

  
  
  
  
  


As Steve,  Natasha,  and Alex approached the elevator in the parking garage of the Tower the doors opened and Tony stepped out. He had a Stark Pad in his hand and his expression was serious as he looked between Steve and Natasha. Alex seemed oblivious to the tension in Tony's face as hers brightened into a smile. “Uncle Tony!” she greeted him.

“ _ Uncle _ Tony?” Natasha asked evenly, a brow raised. 

“I _might_ have told her to call me that,” Tony replied.  Steve chuckled and Natasha just shook her head. “You two need to see this,” he said as he handed the tablet over to them.  He bent down to look at Alex.  “Hey, kiddo, did you have fun at the zoo?” he asked, hoping to divert her attention so Steve and Natasha could have a moment.

Steve took the tablet as Alex started to tell Tony about all the animals they had seen. He held it so Natasha could look at it as well and she leaned in close to him. They both stiffened as they saw the page Tony had left up on the browser. 

_ Captain America's Secret Family?   _ \- the headline proclaimed over a splash of photos. They weren't the best quality but it was clearly Steve and Natasha with Alex, looking very much the family the headline claimed. Steve felt sick.  He knew Natasha had been right - they wouldn't have been able to keep her hidden forever. He had just hoped he would have had a little bit longer to figure out how they would all fit in each others lives now before they'd have to deal with the public putting their two cents in too.

Natasha gently took the tablet from his hands before the tight grip he had on it could do any damage. She could feel her own blood boil at it all, even more so as she gave a quick scan of the article.  And while she had never been  _ as _ public of a figure as Steve was, and that was still miles behind how public Tony was, she was still public  _ enough _ to be identified in the article.  She was still public enough for speculation and rumors to be put forth by some asshole behind a keyboard who hadn’t the first clue about their lives.  As as much as she hated to have to even give a goddamn inch right then, she knew they had to say  _ something. _  That they would have to get ahead of this before it got too far out of control.     
  
As though reading her mind, Tony looked up at her.  “Pepper just arrived back home this morning,” he started.  “She’s up in her office if you two want to go talk strategy.”  

Steve looked to Natasha and she nodded.  She moved to hand the tablet back to Tony.  “Would you mind taking her back to our suite?” she asked.    
  
“Not at all,” Tony answered and looked down at Alex.  “I want to hear some more about these monkeys,” he started as he walked her to the elevator.   
  
Steve and Natasha watched the pair as they left, waving goodbye as the elevator doors closed.  Once they were out of sight, Natasha leaned against the side of an SUV and looked up at Steve.  “We should probably figure out what we want to say before we go see Pepper,” she suggested.   
  
Steve let out a slow breath and then moved to lean against the SUV beside her.  His hands tucked into his pockets and he looked out over the garage.  “I’d prefer nothing,” he stated and shrugged a little.  “But I know that’s not possible.”   
  
“So we go for as close to nothing as we can?” she suggested.  “Confirm what is already out there, don’t give details and kindly ask for privacy and respect.”  Steve scoffed a little at the privacy remark.  They both knew damn well that was never given when asked for.  Natasha’s lips pressed into a tight smile.  “Let’s just hope one of the Kardashians gets arrested next week.”  The media was nothing if not fickle.  One good scandal and theirs would be yesterday’s news.  She pushed herself off the car.  “Let’s go do this.”   
  
  


  
  
  


It was well into the evening by the time Steve got home. And although the day had ended on a less than wonderful note, he still had a good day none the less. “Sharon?” He called out as he dropped his keys on the table at the front entrance and then walked into their home. He didn't have to go far to find Sharon at the kitchen table,  her laptop open in front of her. 

“Hey,” he said, and as he moved into the kitchen he noticed that she had one of the articles pulled up on her screen.  He sunk into the chair beside her.  Steve knew what the photos looked like - that they had been taken after his hesitation of spending the day with Natasha had ebbed and they looked like they  _ could  _ be the family the article claimed to someone who didn’t know the whole story.  

“When I went to pick Alex up she was upset because Natasha wasn’t going,” he started to explain.  “I was thinking about what you said, about being a stranger and realized that I am too, and how scary the prospect of spending the day with a stranger would be, even if he was your Dad.”   
  
Sharon shook her head a little.  “It’s fine, Steve, I  _ get _ it,” she said.  She closed the laptop lid and looked over at him.  “You two have a child together and I would never expect you to ignore that fact, or make things uncomfortable for Alex.”  She laced her fingers together on the table.  Sharon knew that what Natasha and Steve had had been…  _ intense _ .  She’d known it had been like that even before they had been a couple, _everyone_ at SHIELD had known they worked together in some capacity most people only dreamed of having with someone else.  Back when she had been assigned as Steve’s neighbour she had assumed for a while that he and Natasha  _ were _ together from the way she had always been at his place, the way they moved around each other, the way she had never seen Steve with anyone else but Natasha.  She had been shocked when Steve had asked her cover self for coffee.  

She knew that Steve was a good man, and she trusted that he wouldn’t intentionally do something to hurt her.  But - even though she  _ hated _ it - that didn’t stop the pang of jealousy she had felt at the photos.  At the way he and Natasha had fallen so easily back into that  _ thing _ they had - the way they moved in sync, the body language that to the untrained eye might not mean much, but she didn’t have an untrained eye.  She didn’t  _ want _ to be that woman - second guessing everything about her relationship, constantly worried about another woman’s presence.  But she could feel herself slipping rapidly into that trap.     
  
“Just - “ she paused and glanced down at her hands on the table before she looked back up at Steve.  “Just tell me I have nothing to be worried about,” she said softly.   
  


Steve shifted in his chair and reached a hand out to unlace hers on the table.  He tugged on her arm gently and she obliged, standing up and letting him pull her onto his lap.  His arms wrapped around her waist and his lips curved upward.  “You have  _ nothing _ to be worried about,” he assured her and leaned in to kiss her.  Sharon’s hands wrapped around his neck as she deepened the kiss.  Steve pulled back gently, and slid a hand behind her head, fingers tangled in her hair.  He pressed his forehead to hers.  “I love you,” he said.  “And you have nothing to be worried about,” he repeated and pressed his lips to hers once more.  He hooked his arm around her and stood, Sharon wrapped her legs around his midsection as he headed toward the stairs.  

Later that night when he couldn’t sleep again, Steve once again gently untangled himself from Sharon in their bed.  He quickly pulled on a pair of sleep pants and then picked up his jeans from the top of the hamper.  He dug through his pocket for the SD card Natasha had handed him earlier in the day.  He grabbed his laptop out of the office and headed downstairs.  He set the laptop on the table before he rummaged through the fridge and pulled out a carton of leftover take out.  He sat at the table, popped the SD card into the slot and ate a few bites of food while he waited for the card to load up.  It felt like deja vu of the night before and there was a small voice in the back of his head that knew he was only asking for trouble right then.  That he should just break the card and throw it out, not bother with the contents.  But the images loaded before he could do so and he set the takeout container down to lean in and look.  


The photos were better quality than the cell phone images that had started circulating the Internet and there were only about half a dozen the man had managed to take before Natasha had noticed.  It was the second to last thumbnail that caught Steve’s eye and he double clicked it to bring it up bigger.  He could remember the exact moment it had been taken in the penguin enclosure.  He and Natasha had squatted down to be on Alex’s level and Natasha had a hand on her back lightly as Alex pointed to a penguin in the tank.  Steve’s gaze wasn’t on the penguins, but rather on Natasha.  His expression was soft as he watched her, as he thought about how she made a beautiful mother,  and he was immediately thankful these hadn’t been the images to hit the internet.  

_ You have nothing to worry about _ .  His earlier declaration to Sharon tugged at the back of his mind.  Steve quickly selected the images and deleted them off the card.  He pulled the card out and snapped it in half before he tossed it into the garbage under the kitchen sink.  He finished the leftovers off in the quiet of the kitchen before he tossed the container.  He tried to tell himself he hadn’t lied, that Sharon really didn’t have anything to worry about.  He was just adjusting, that was allowed, right?  When the woman you wanted to marry up and disappeared without a word only to return with your child there was an adjustment period.  It didn’t have to  _ mean _ anything other than his own mind playing tricks on him.     
  
Steve moved back into the bedroom.  He looked down at Sharon’s sleeping form and pressed his lips together.  He loved her.  He loved her, she was his present and his future, and whatever he’d had with Natasha was the past.  A silent mantra he repeated as he crawled back into the bed and tried to drift back to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I debated with posting this as it is - but I felt that this scene needed to be included and it didn't fit in the last one and won't fit going forward. Just a heads up that there is no Steve in this chapter, so there's no Steve and Natasha interactions. As well this is fairly short compared to the other chapters. I just didn't have the heart to put it on the cutting room floor so to say. 
> 
> We will be going a couple weeks forward in the next update and there will be lots of our two idiot kids being idiots :) I've got some stuff planned out that I'm really looking forward to and hope you guys enjoy. Thanks again for everyone's amazing comments and to everyone for reading along.

Natasha sat at the table in the kitchen of her and Alex’s suite.  Alex was in the living room, her attention held by a  movie on the television, and Natasha could see her when her eyes lifted up from the laptop screen. Natasha's focus was pulled by the article on the screen. One of the many that had popped up on the Internet since yesterday. Natasha wasn't sure what to think of it all. She had her gut reaction of course - anger at whatever asshole decided to sell her privacy to the masses, and fear of what being public meant for her daughter. But past that?  Well, Natasha was a little lost. 

In a picture they looked like more than what they were. They looked like a family, like who they  _ could _ have been had she made different choices. Natasha was surprised by how much that  _ hurt.  _ By how much it made her long for what they could have had.  She wasn't supposed to want things like that. There was no point in wanting things like that. They were what they were - pieces she had broken apart and now tossed haphazardly together. They were a complicated mess of what ifs and could have beens. 

A knock at the door pulled her from her thoughts. She was surprised to see Bucky at the door, had expected Steve to see Alex, or Bruce to check on them. Or Tony with another armful of toys to spoil his self declared niece with. “Hi,” she said. 

Bucky wondered if he looked as awkward as he felt standing there. It had been years since he had seen Natasha - the fight on the freeway. And even then he hadn't  _ known _ who she was. One of many dark spots in his memory that had only started to fill in with time away from HYDRA and the help of Tony and technology he had created to try to deal with his own painful memories. Now, well now memories of Natalia haunted his dreams and rattled around with the other ghosts. They called to him in all those sleepless nights and reminded him that the woman he had once dared to love was long gone. Natalia was no more, now there was only Natasha. And Natasha was someone he could never have. 

“Come in,” Natasha said gently as she moved aside, and Bucky nodded before he followed her into the kitchen. He took a moment to look over at Alex - or at least the back of her head as she sat on the floor, her attention fully held by the television.  

“Can I get you a coffee or anything?” Natasha asked after a moment. 

Bucky turned to look at Natasha and nodded.  “Yeah, coffee would be great.”

Natasha busied herself with pouring a cup for Bucky and refilling her own.  She turned and handed the cup to him, but paused.  “Sorry, is black okay?” she checked, realizing she had no idea how he took his coffee.

Bucky nodded and took the cup before he moved to sit at the table.  “Black is fine,” he assured her.  

A ghost of a smile passed on Natasha’s lips and she moved to sit across from him at the table.  She closed the lid of her laptop and wrapped her fingers around her cup.  The two fell into a weighted silence.  Natasha’s thoughts drifted to the last time she had seen him - truly  _ seen _ him.  Not the cold and vacant eyes as he stared her down across a freeway, or when he had stood beside his handler as she had been dragged back to her own.  

Natasha looked up from her cup and over at him.  He looked different - which she supposed was to be expected.   _ She  _ looked different after all.  She could see the haunted look in his eyes though, the constant sense of guilt and atonement that would never come. The Soldier.   _ Her _ Soldier.  Long gone but not forgotten.  “How are handling being back in the real world, James?”  She paused.  “Is James okay, or do you prefer Bucky?” she asked.  

Bucky ducked his head with a soft smile.  “Either is fine - “ he paused.  “And you?” he asked and looked up at her. 

Natasha took a moment to take a drink of her coffee as she debated the question.  It was funny, she thought, how complicated a simple thing like a name got when your identity had been stripped from you for so long.  Natalia to Natasha hadn’t been that  _ much _ of a change, but it had been enough.  The person she had been forced to be, and the person she worked damn hard every day to try to be.  But she had learned a long time ago one couldn’t  _ erase _ their past, they had to come to terms with it.  “From you?  Either is fine,” she echoed his earlier statement with a gentle smile. 

Bucky held her gaze for a moment before he took a drink of his coffee.  “And the real world is,” there was another small pause, “well it’s something else.”   
  
That gained a small chuckle from Natasha.  “That it is,” she agreed.  She paused, took another drink and set the cup down.  “It was deciding what to wear,” she said quietly and her lips pressed into a tight smile when he looked up at her with a brow perked.  “The part that still got me years later,” she started to explain.  “I’d go shopping and just _ stare _ at the clothes, frozen with indecision without a cover, a mission, a handler to dictate what I should look like.”  There were many other things of course, but it had been shocking how much it had been just the  _ little _ things that had become big things.

Bucky mulled that over, his eyes cast downward to his metal fingers wrapped around the coffee mug.  “Money,” he said after a long moment.  A small shrug before he continued.  “Last thing I remember before - everything-  a nickel was worth a hell of a lot more.”  He leaned back in his chair and shrugged. 

He paused a moment and then gave Natasha a smile.  “I know it’s a whole lot of complicated, but it’s nice to see you, Natalia,” he said genuinely. 

Natasha smiled back softly and reached a hand across the table to touch his lightly.  “You as well, James.”  She gave the hand a small squeeze. “I know our history is - well - “ Natasha trailed off for a moment and held his gaze.  There was a time when they would have burned the world to the ground for each other.  Those people didn’t exist anymore.  “Intense?” she settled on which got a small smile from Bucky.  “But I hope we can be friends?” 

Bucky nodded.  “I’d like that, Natalia.”  There were very few people in the world who had the histories they did, he knew that would bond them to each other in some indelible way that would hard pressed to ignore.  Bucky knew, as well as she did, that they could never go back to what they had, but they could move forward.  Find a friendship out of their common ground, find support in knowing that they now had someone in their lives who knew what it was like to be made into someone’s weapon.

“Mama,” the small voice cut through the moment and Natasha and James both looked over to see Alex standing just a few feet away.

“Yes, Malyshka?” Natasha asked as Alex looked between her and James. 

"Can I have a snack?” Alex asked and let her arm loop around Natasha’s leg as she eyed James. 

Bucky watched her intently. The hint of red in the hair, the features that were starting to come into shape. That was Natasha. But there was a certain  _ look  _ in her blue eyes that was all Steve. Bucky couldn't help but smile. He leaned forward a little. “What kind of snack?” he asked her in Russian.

Alex’s eyes lit up at the words.  “Crackers?” she asked in Russian as well. “And some juice.”  There was a small pause as she glanced up at Natasha who prompted her with a look. “Please.”

Bucky chuckled a little. “Juice and crackers,” he repeated. “Why don't you keep watching your movie and I'll bring some over,” he said with a smile. 

“Okay,” Alex said with a grin and moved back to her spot in front of the television. 

Bucky looked to Natasha and laughed as he stood up. “You're in for a world of trouble, I hope you know that,” he said as he started to rummage through the cupboards. 

“Top left,” Natasha directed as she moved to grab a cup from a cupboard. “Trouble how?” she asked and pulled the juice out from the refrigerator. 

“She's got that glint in her eyes - the one Stevie used to get when he was up to something,” he paused as he opened the box of crackers and dumped some into a bowl. He found a knife on his second try and pulled a block of cheese from the fridge as he kept taking. “Which was often if you haven't caught on by now,” he finished with a soft chuckle.

Natasha huffed a laugh. “You don't say,” she retorted.  

Bucky pulled a plate down from where he had found the bowl and set the slices of cheese on it. “Mind if I - “ Bucky said as he picked everything up and nodded toward where Alex was in the living room. 

Natasha smiled. “Not at all.”

Bucky balanced the plate and bowl, picked up the glass and headed into the living room.  “What're we watching?” he asked as he sat down beside her. 

“The Little Mermaid,” Alex answered and took a drink of juice. “It's my favorite,” she declared. “You're Bucky, right?” she asked and looked up at him. 

He nodded and set up a cheese and cracker sandwich for her. “That I am,” he answered.  
  
“Daddy talked about you, when we were at the zoo,” she informed Bucky. 

“Oh he did, did he,” Bucky grinned. “Whatever he might have said about me forcing him onto the Cyclone at Coney Island is completely untrue.”

Alex giggled. “Whats Coney Island?” she asked and took a bite of the cracker sandwich. 

“It's an amusement park,” Bucky explained as he set about making more cracker sandwiches. “Your dad and I used to sneak in to it a lot when we were kids.”

Alex listened but the change in scene on the tv pulled her attention. “This is the best part,” she proclaimed and Bucky nodded solemnly before he turned his eyes to the movie. It was definitely surreal - given everything, to be sitting on the floor with the daughter of the woman he had once loved and his best friend, watching a cartoon crab play matchmaker. But it felt like something good none the less. Dare he think homey as Alex started to explain the finer points of the plot and scooted in closer. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so - this two updates in one week? Yeah that will probably never happen again so enjoy it while you can :)
> 
> Now that we're moving into the more Plot with a capital P section I'd be remiss to not give a shout out to the awesome heyfrenchfreudiana for helping me through where I want to go with this story and letting me constantly ramble at her!

_Lost and gone so fast_  
_You get me every time_  
_But I live with that_  
_I might do this to myself_  
_Only made it worse but I just can't help_  
_You know I get so attached_  
_Listen everyday 'til the dark is back_  
_Now I pine for phantom pain_  
_It's the only time that I see your face_  
_So just hold quick you're fading right_  
_In a cold trick of the light_  
_I'm just so sick, I thought you might be here_  
_But you disappear_

_Now I wake up and I forget that you were gone_  
_A phantom limb is all that I am hanging on_  
_So don't stop, no stopping yet_  
_What if the one true love's the only one that you get?  
[Mariana's Trench - One Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPcDfLrzx3Y)_

 

Steve snapped awake, and he wasn’t aware that his sudden movement almost shoved the woman beside him out of the bed.  His body shook and he was drenched in a cold sweat as the nightmare still played in his mind even though his body was awake.  That awful state where the mind hadn’t caught up yet, where everything looked wrong and awful in the darkened room and the images of his dream still plagued him.  His breath was ragged gasps and nothing that did anything to fill his lungs that screamed for air.  

He was panicked, lost in his own mind and his own demons.  Stuck somewhere between the ghosts of his past and the present.  Images, twisted and terrible things borne of the memories of his time on the front lines of one of the bloodiest wars in history, assaulted him even as his body struggled to come to a waking state.  Adrenaline corsed through his veins and he could hear the blood pumping in his ears, it mingled with the screams from his nightmare, the sound of gunfire, and the way a plane sounded as it crashed through ice.    
  
“Hey… hey…” a soft voice tried to cut through.  But it felt so far away, muffled under the other noises.     
  
Hands moved across his back, but he found himself barely aware of the touch.  They moved deftly and then cupped his face.  Soft, warm, fingers on his clammy skin.  “Shhhhh…” the voice said again and then gently tugged on his face.  “Steve,” she said, gentle but commanding.  “Eyes.”  It was one word.  A simple word.  But one that had been given weight.  One that was the start of a chain of words and gestures they had designed to pull each other from these states.  To ground them back into reality.  
  
Eyes.  

He let his own flicker upward to meet the calm, but concerned, ones that looked at him.  His body still shook, beads of sweat collected along the back of his neck and he tried to focus on the eyes that stared back at him.  “Eyes,” he repeated back and his voice wavered.

She nodded.  “Hands,” she instructed next.  Her own gently pressed where they cupped his face for a moment before they relaxed.  Steve lifted his own to rest against hers and then let his fingers lace through hers.  He gave a quick squeeze.  “Hands.” He repeated, his voice a bit stronger this time as he started to come down from the attack.  
  
“Breathe,” she said.  She kept her eyes locked on his as she let out a slow and deliberate breath.  Steve followed suit.  He held her gaze as he let out a few of the slow, calming breaths until his body stopped trembling and he could feel himself fully present in the moment.  Until his lungs felt like they finally had the air they had been denied, until he no longer felt like he was drowning.  
  
“Better?” she asked.  
  
“Better,” he assured her and held her gaze before he leaned in to kiss her.  His hands moved from hers to wrap around her waist and he maneuvered them so she was laying in the bed again and he hovered over her.  “Thank you,” he said as he lifted a hand to run down the side of her face and along her collarbone.    
  
“Anytime,” she replied with a small smile, one that turned into a ragged gasp as Steve’s other hand moved along her hip and under the thin camisole she wore to brush against her bare skin.  His hand moved upward as his lips claimed hers again.  Her hands curled around his arms, and she shivered as his tongue slipped into her mouth and slid across hers.  

His hand that still rested against her clavicle moved to tangle in her hair and he pulled back to search her eyes.  “I love you, Natasha,” he said as he held her gaze.

Steve bolted up in the bed as _I love you, too_ echoed in his mind.  He rubbed the heel of his hands into his eyes as he tried to clear his mind.  The room took a minute to snap into focus when he glanced around it. The sheets were tangled around his torso and the other side of the bed empty when he looked down.  There was the briefest of moments when he expected red hair fanned out on the pillow, when he’d hoped for that calm voice - _look, hands, breathe._  A sensation he hadn’t had in awhile and a place his mind hadn’t gone to for awhile.  At least until the past couple weeks since Natasha’s reappearance into his life.    
  
But there was was no red hair.  And, _thankfully_ he thought quickly and _hated_ that thought, there was no blonde hair either.  He felt like an asshole for even entertaining that thought, but lately it had become harder and harder to keep his thoughts in check, his emotions in check.  He wasn’t even sure what he would do if Sharon had been there to question his sudden waking, if she had pushed him to talk about.  

He had hoped with Sharon out on a CIA mission - something she had been reluctant to do given everything but Steve had assured her it would be fine - it would help.  That having her gone for a few days he would realize, as he often did when she went, that he missed her terribly and he would remember exactly where his heart belonged.  But it’d been the third night in a row Steve had woken up from a dream of another woman and now he wasn’t so sure.    
  
He groaned a little as the remnants of the dream refused to shake.  He fell back onto the bed with a thump and stared up at the ceiling.  “Get a goddamn grip, Rogers,” he muttered to himself.

  
  
_____________________  


Alex sat on Natasha’s lap, Steve kneeled in front of them on the couch, making sure to be at her level as they spoke.  She was still small enough to tuck in perfectly with her head under Natasha’s chin. One of her hands rested on Natasha’s around her, the other fidgeted with the cross around her neck - Natasha had found a shorter chain that fit Alex better and she hadn’t taken it off much since .  Steve lifted a hand, as though to rest on hers but dropped it before he could.  They’d come far in the past few weeks, but he still felt a sense of uncertainty none the less.  Unsure of where a line may or may not be drawn in the sand.    
  
He glanced up at Natasha for a moment.  They had texted about this conversation earlier in the morning, had decided upon how to break the news to Alex, but Steve found himself faltering.  He knew this was going to come sooner rather than later, but it didn’t make it any easier to _do_ .  He wondered if it would always be this hard, to say goodbye.  To tell his daughter he had to go and not be a hundred percent certain if he would _come back._  His hand lifted again and this time he let it rest against Alex’s hand as he dropped his gaze to her from Natasha.    
  
“I have to go away,” he started and watched her carefully.  Her eyes widened slightly and he gave her arm hand a soft squeeze as Natasha’s arms tightened around her.

“For how long?” she asked in a small voice.

  
“A couple of days,” Steve answered her.    
  
Alex debated that as she curled into Natasha a little more.  Steve’s lips tightened at the move, at how he could see the pain clearly on his daughter’s face.  He wanted to go to Tony, call the mission off.  Call _all_ of them off.  But he knew that wasn’t a possibility.  He had known from the instant he had made the decision to be in Alex’s life he would have to deal with this.  
  
“Because you have to help people, right?” she prompted.  That was what she had been told her whole life.  Her Daddy helped people.    
  
Steve nodded.  “That’s right.”  He swallowed hard as he looked at her, at the pain but yet the understanding in her eyes.  He knew he was asking a lot, and he hated that in some way he was telling his own daughter that other people were more important than her, when he felt the completely opposite.   _She_ was the most important thing in his life, but he knew that wasn’t enough to keep him from his job.  It _couldn’t_ be.  That was the price he paid for being Captain America, and now the price Alex would pay.    
  
“Are you going to be back for my birthday party?”  Another question in that small voice, the one that Steve had learned over the past few weeks was so unlike her.  His bright, bubbly, enthusiastic daughter who usually talked a mile a minute about anything and everything.  Who had not only _adjusted_ to suddenly being thrust into a life with a Daddy,  more Uncles and Aunties than she knew what do with, two cousins in Lila and Cooper, and a golden retriever because Steve and Tony were too weak to deny her a damn thing, but had _thrived._ He _ached_ at the small voice she suddenly had, the way she curled into her mother, the way he could tell she was trying _so damn hard_ to be brave and fair but that she hurt none the less.  His beautiful daughter who even at a week shy of four years old was kind and gentle and determined to be strong and put others above herself and he couldn’t be prouder.  
  
“Of course, Alex,” he assured her.  “I wouldn’t dream of missing it.”  He reached a hand to cup the side of her face and he forced a small smile. He knew that when it _really_ came down to it his intention didn’t matter.  Every time he left there would always be that chance that despite his best efforts he might not come back.  He didn’t have the heart to bring that up though.  

Alex uncurled herself from Natasha and lunged at Steve, her arms wrapped around his neck and he easily caught her in the hug.  He held her tight to him, her face was buried into his neck and he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat.  It had to get easier he thought.  It couldn’t be like this every time he left, it couldn’t feel like the end of the world every damn time he walked out the door.  

“You be good for Mommy while I’m gone,” he said quietly.  “And I’ll be back real soon - “ he paused, he could feel the wetness from her tears against the skin of his neck and before he could stop himself the words tumbled out, “I promise.”  Promise.  A promise he knew he shouldn’t make, but there he was, making it.

He glanced up at Natasha, her expression unreadable even to him.  Alex untangled herself and Steve looked at her, he reached a thumb to wipe at her eyes and forced another little smile.  “It’ll be okay, baby,” he assured her gently.  Alex nodded a little at the words and looked between her parents before she gave one last hug to Steve.  

  
“I’ll miss you,” she said.  
  
“I’ll miss you, too,” he replied.  He held her tight for another few moments.  “I love you, and I’ll see you soon,” he said as he gently pulled back.  

“I love you too, Daddy,” Alex replied.  

Natasha reached a hand over to squeeze one of Alex’s gently.  “I just need to talk to Daddy, Malyshka, can you stay in the living room for minute?” she asked.  When Alex nodded, Natasha stood and motioned for Steve to follow her to the door.

“You okay?” Natasha asked as she leaned against the doorframe.  She knew this couldn’t be easy on him.  

Steve looked at her and shrugged a little.  “I’ll be fine, Nat,” he replied, but they both knew the words were hollow at best.  

  
Natasha glanced down at her feet for a moment as she debated her next words.  She looked up at him and smiled softly.  The concern was still there in her eyes, but the smile was genuine none the less.  “You got this,” she assured him.  “You’re gonna be fine, Steve,” she added and hesitated before she reached a hand to gently squeeze his arm as she held his gaze.  “Just - and I know this is hard for you,” she gave him another small smile, “ _try_ not to be a reckless idiot out there?”  
  
He couldn’t help but smile at that.  “I’ll keep that in mind,” he retorted.    
  
Her hand moved a little on his arm, but she didn’t pull back, and the still lingering remnants of his dream rushed back.  The air between them felt heavy suddenly, weighted as they held each other’s eyes.  Natasha pressed her lips together, her fingers moved of their own accord and danced along the skin of his arm and as she glanced down she could hear his breath hitch.   _Stop,_ she told herself.   _Stop._  But then she’d never been all that good at making the best decisions when it came to Steve.  She glanced up to catch him as he stared down at her still.   _He’s not yours_ , she reminded herself for the hundredth time.   _Not anymore._  
  
But that didn’t stop her from stepping in closer.  And it didn’t stop him from _letting_ her.  Natasha’s arms moved to wrap around his midsection and he let his fall around her shoulders as she stepped into him.  A hug.  A thing that friends did, which is what they were trying to be.  Friends.  Co-parents.  It was just a hug.  Even if it lingered maybe a little bit too long.  Even if there was that part of Steve that was anger and _rage_ under everything that suddenly quieted with her back in his arms.  Even if he thought about how she always fit just perfectly tucked in under his chin.  It was just a hug.  Even if Natasha for the first time in years felt warm, safe in a way she had never known before Steve and never known after.    
  
“ _Be careful_ ,” she whispered against him and then pulled away, though her arms still remained loosely wrapped around his waist.    
  
Steve nodded.  His hands had moved to rest lightly on her arms and he let them fall to his sides.  He was walking a proverbial thin line here and he knew it.  “I will,” he promised her before he turned to leave the suite.  

  
  
_____________________

 

Steve moved toward the hangar area to meet up with the rest of the team.  As he came closer he noticed Pepper coming toward him, her head down.  He gave her a little wave but she seemed not to notice as she passed him by.  Steve turned to watch her leave and debated calling out but decided to let it be.  He quickly entered the expansive space and when he spotted Tony tinkering near the Quinjet he headed over. He nodded back toward where Pepper had vanished.  

“Everything okay with Pepper?” he asked. Steve noticed the way Tony stiffened slightly.  The brief, but very much _there_ , hesitation.  It was uncharacteristic to say the least and Steve couldn’t help but be immediately worried. While Tony wasn’t exactly the kind to sit around and discuss his relationship with Pepper, Steve had been sure they were in a good place.  Or at least they seemed to be.  
  
Tony looked up from the equipment and shrugged at Steve.  “Sad to see me go, I guess, you know how it is, Cap,” he quickly recovered and smirked.  “Although God knows why, if I were her I’d be glad to be rid of me for a while,” he added on.  

He moved to another table of gear and looked up at Steve.  “How’d it go with the munchkin?” he asked, and Steve could swear there was a twinge of _something_ in Tony’s voice he couldn’t quite place.  But he knew better than to push it.  Tony shared only when Tony wanted to share.  Pushing him to talk about something, especially before they were about to head out, would only cause more issues than it was worth.

  
Steve turned one of Tony’s gadgets over in his hand and then set it down when it earned him a look from the other man.  He shrugged a little.  “It went,” he replied.    
  
A hand clapped him on the shoulder and Steve turned to look at Bucky.  The two friends smiled at each other and Bucky nodded.  “She’s a tough kid, Steve,” Bucky said.  “She’ll be okay.”

Steve nodded a little and then glanced up as Sam and Clint walked into the hanger.  Followed shortly by Thor and his voice echoed through the hanger as he boomed a greeting to his teammates. The mission itself want anything too out of the ordinary - Maria had found intel that seemed to indicate a HYDRA base in the Ukraine. But Steve had learned long ago that it was sometimes the most routine things that could go more than wrong. He tried not to think about that as he got himself suited up and ready to go.  

  
They were just about ready to leave when Clint caught him away from the others.  The two men, the two _fathers_ , looked at each other and Clint offered Steve a sympathetic smile.  “I’m not going to tell you it gets easier,” Clint started, “because it doesn’t.”  He paused and picked up his bow.  “You just get better at compartmentalizing.”  
  
Steve raised a brow at that and Clint continued.  “When I’m out there - I leave my kids here,” he paused and held his hands up.  “I know, that sounds terrible, but it’s the only way you’ll make it, Steve.  You’ll drive yourself crazy otherwise,” he explained and looked at his teammate.  A quiet moment passed between the two men and then Clint picked up his quiver and then handed Steve his shield.  “Now let’s get the hell out of here, I have a parent teacher interview on Monday that Laura will kill me if I miss.”

 

_____________________

 

“Hey,” Natasha greeted as she walked into her suite.  It had been thirty eight hours - not that she was counting - hours since the team had left and they were due back later that day.  There was a nervous excitement that had settled into her that she wasn’t quite sure what to do with, so when Pepper offered to watch Alex for a while so she could have some time Natasha more than jumped on it.  The hour and a half in the gym  had done well to work out some of her nerves, to clear her mind from the thoughts she wasn’t sure what to do with.  The thoughts - the _worry_ \- she knew she shouldn’t be having about Steve.  A sort of anxious buzz that she had carried since he’d said goodbye.  The moment they had shared in the doorway replayed in her mind often and she chided herself for letting it get to her.  It had just been a hug.  A goodbye between friends.  Nothing more.  

Pepper and Alex were sitting cross legged on the living room floor, a puzzle between them.  Molly laid beside her owner and Alex hand a hand on the dog's head as her other picked up puzzle pieces.  “Thanks again, Pepper,” Natasha said as she wiped at her forehead, a few beads of sweat still stuck to her skin from her workout.  She sat on the arm of the couch and took a drink from her water bottle.  

  
Pepper looked back at her and smiled.  “Anytime,” she assured Natasha and glanced back at Alex.  “It was fun.”  The two women watched Alex for a moment as she set a few pieces into their proper spots in the puzzle.  “Did you want to go shower?  I have nowhere to be,” Pepper said as she looked back at Natasha.  
  
Natasha gave the other woman a grateful smile and nodded.  “That would be amazing, Pepper, thanks.”  She got off the arm of the couch and moved to lean down and kiss the top of Alex’s head before she headed into the master ensuite.    
  
She took her time in the shower, a luxury she had only recently been allowed.  It had become clear quickly that there definite perks to having come back home.  And once she had gotten past her initial nerves of other people watching Aleksandra she had started to embrace the quiet moments it allowed her.  A shower in which she actually got time to work the kinks out on her neck as opposed to a quick rinse and shampoo with the door wide open so she could hear Alex.  A workout in an actual gym and not cramped in a living room, an afternoon at the stores with Laura.  She’d even managed a few mornings of sleeping until ten when Steve came over early to spend time with their daughter.    
  
Out of the shower she twisted her hair, which she had let grow just past her shoulders lately, up into a messy bun and dressed quickly before she headed back into the living room.  She perched herself on the arm of the couch again and looked down at Alex.  “Should we order some dinner, Malyshka?”  She looked over to Pepper.  “You’re more than welcome to join us.”

With that the three set about deciding on what they wanted to eat and chatted amongst themselves as they waited for the food to arrive. Natasha had always liked Pepper, even back when she had been Natalie Rushmore.  Anyone who could keep a man like Tony Stark in check was someone to aspire to in her books.  So the conversation was friendly and comfortable, easy in a way Natasha appreciated.  There had been such a long period in her life where she was never allowed this - friends, _real_ friends.  And when she had left she had assumed she never would have it again, but the past few weeks had shown just how much the Avengers and all the people off the field that entailed were willing to forgive for one of their own.  There had been more than a few awkward conversations of course, but as it had become clear she was home for good it had started to feel more and more like she had never left in the first place.  At least with some people.

  
“Pepper do you want chopsticks of a fork?” Natasha asked as she opened the cutlery drawer while Pepper set about taking containers out of the bag.  “Pepper?” she asked again as she got no answer and turned to look at the other woman standing at the island of the kitchen.  Pepper’s face was downright green and she suddenly ran for the bathroom.  
  
Alex looked up at Natasha with wide eyes.  “She’s okay, baby,” Natasha assured her and then moved toward the bathroom.  “Pepper?” she asked, concerned as she rapped lightly on the door.

“I’m fine, Natasha,” Pepper called from the other side.  Natasha could hear the sound of the toilet being flushed and then water running.  She exited the bathroom a few moments later and offered Natasha a weak smile.  “Sorry, I think I must be coming down with something,” she explained.

Natasha waved a dismissive hand at the apology.  “No, it’s fine.  Can I get you something?”  

Pepper shook her head.  “No, I’m fine, honey.”  She paused, _hesitated_ Natasha realized.  “But I might take a raincheck on dinner,” she said after a moment.

“Of course, go lay down,” Natasha agreed and walked Pepper to the door.  “If you need anything - just let us know,” she offered as they said their goodbyes.

 

_____________________

 

It was well past midnight by the time the jet landed and they shuffled out into the hanger.  Despite the hour, Maria stood in the hanger, ready to take the hard drives that Tony had recovered from the base.  Steve moved toward her as the rest of the team started to seperate, it was late and Steve put debriefing off to the morning.  He handed over the drives and she walked with him as he headed towards one of the locker rooms.  “See what you can grab from these,”  he instructed as she set them on top of the tablet she carried.  “Specifically if you can find anything about enhanced individuals.”

Maria perked a brow as she stopped just short of the locker room door and turned to look at Steve. “You run into trouble out there?”

Steve ducked his head and gave it a nod.  “You could say that.”  He looked back up at Maria.  “Some kid, runs really fast,” he offered.  He neglected to add the part where said kid had almost single handedly taken their whole mission down.    
  
“Define fast,” Maria prompted.

“ _Fast_.” Was all Steve said as he headed into the locker room.  
  
He changed quickly and quietly, not at all surprised that the team left him alone to do so.  It hadn’t just been the mysterious speedster that had jeopardized the mission.  He had been distracted, off his game, and it had made him sloppy.  He was angry at himself for it, angry at his own inability to do what Clint had told him - compartmentalize.  He pushed himself off the bench and started out of the room.  The rest of the hanger was dark and quiet, empty as the others had already gone their own ways.  

Steve knew he should go home.  But all that awaited him was an empty house, he couldn’t even call Sharon since her mission was radio silent.  He knew that he should go to his suite in the Tower, that he could catch a couple hours of rest, but when he entered the elevator he hit the button for Natasha’s floor instead.  He knew he could see Alex in the morning - see _Natasha_ a small voice in the back of his mind supplied - but it somehow seemed too long still.  His very being felt tired and _ached_ with the emotional upheaval.  One he hadn’t expected to be so substantial, or to hit him so hard.  He shuffled his weight from foot to foot as he waited for the elevator to arrive at their floor and he made his way quickly into the suite.    
  
There were a few lights on as he moved through the quiet, one in the hall that he assumed was left on for Alex.  He stepped quietly into her room, and while he knew this wasn’t _his_ place he somehow didn’t feel like a trespasser.  It felt right.  Coming home to the family he had missed even if it had only been a few days.  He leaned against the doorway and just watched her for a moment, her hair a tangled mess on her pillow, hands clutched around a teddy bear Uncle Tony had given her.  He moved in closer and pulled her blanket up over her from where she must have kicked it off in the night.  Closer now he caught the glint of his dogtags in the light from the hall, held in her hand and he gently uncurled her fist to take them and put them on the nightstand.  He sunk gently onto the edge of the bed and lifted a hand to brush some hair out of her face.    
  
_I can’t take the risks I take if I know there’s someone praying for me to come home safe._  It was what he had told Natasha years ago when they’d talked kids.  He could still remember the conversation vividly - the way she had curled into his side, his hand drawing idle patterns down her arm.  The sound of rain against his window as they talked.  It had all been just talk back then.  Alex wasn’t supposed to be possible, whatever feelings they had on the matter while genuine were still just a moot point.  

Except now it was anything but.  Aleksandra was nothing short of a miracle and there was not a second since Steve had learned of her existence that he regretted it.  He had, however, started to see why Natasha had done what she did.  Living in and of itself was a risk, Steve knew that.  People left their houses every day and not all of them came back.  Accidents, illnesses, there were hundreds of ways one could leave their child behind.  But Steve knew he _took_ risks.  Risks most people couldn’t even dream of.  He put himself in positions that made his dying bloody in some fight a very good probability.  

Maybe there was no right answer.  Maybe all he could do was love the hell out of his kid and just keep praying he’d come back home.  As much as it didn’t _feel_ like enough he knew it would have to be.  That he’d drive himself crazy if he didn’t _let_ it be enough.  But that was easier said than done and he knew that.  Steve brushed his fingers against Alex’s cheek and then stood.  

He jumped a little when he saw Natasha in the doorway.  Clad in a pair of pale grey silk sleep shorts and camisole, her hair in loose waves around her shoulders.  Silhouetted softly from the hallway light she was achingly beautiful and his heart skip a beat at the sight.  The ghost of so many nights with her tugged at him, and he could practically _feel_ her skin under his hands the memories came back with such force.  

He moved to lean against the other side of the doorframe.  Natasha offered him a small smile.  “She missed you,” she said quietly.   _I_ missed you was the unspoken addendum.  
  
“I missed her too,” he replied, just as quiet and found himself avoiding her eyes.  He felt nervous somehow, charged, and while he wanted to excuse it as adrenaline, lack of sleep and all those things he knew he couldn’t.   _Go home,_ he told himself.  Go home before this mess becomes more complicated than it already is.    
  
Natasha watched the conflict as it played out on his features, and she knew there were things she should say.   _Go home, Steve_ came to mind _._  “How was it?” she asked instead as she kept her eyes on him.  There wasn’t much space between them in the doorway, and the feel of him this close flooded her senses.  She tried not to focus on it, tried not to let herself start thinking it felt nice, _right_ in some fundamental way to stand with him the doorway of _their daughter’s_ room.    
  
Steve looked at her.  He knew what she was _really_ asking with the question and it had nothing to do with the mission itself.  He let out a slow breath.  “Hard,” he settled on.  “Harder than I thought.”  His lips pressed into a tight line as he ducked his head down.  He took a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose with his hand.  “God, Nat, what am I doing,” he choked out.    
  
Her heart _ached_ for him at the admission, the crack in his voice as he stumbled over the words, the way he all but slumped forward.  She took a few steps closer and hesitated before she wrapped her arms around him.  He stiffened but then went slack in the embrace, his own arms encircled around her waist.  “You’re being her father, Steve,” she answered.    
  
She was so aware of the hammer of his heart against his chest, that she could feel vibrate in hers.  The way his arms tightened around her, a drowning man holding on for dear life.  Her heart ached, her body ached, she wanted in so many ways she knew were wrong and awful.  But she couldn’t stop it.  He consumed her and he always had.  Steve Rogers was her weakness and he would be until the day she died.  She knew that, she had been a fool to think she could _ever_ forget that, or ignore it.    
  
She had only just started to realize she had been an idiot to think _he_ could.  As much as he was her weakness, she was his.   _You move, he moves,_ Laura had said once, _even without looking at you he knows_ **_exactly_ ** _where you are._  They had never been anything short of intense, even before they’d gotten together.  They were two halves cut perfectly to line up, he knew her in ways she didn’t even know herself, and vice versa.  She didn’t just _know_ him, she _felt_ him, in some indescribable way that went beyond friendship and beyond love.  Even now she knew the battle that raged in his own mind.  The voice that screamed _go home_ , the way he knew he should leave, that he had someone and that someone wasn’t her but yet she knew he wouldn’t.  He couldn’t.  It terrified and thrilled her.  
  
His arms pulled her in closer, hands trickled up her back and he let out a soft sigh as her hands moved to lace behind his neck.  He could feel her breath against his throat, and the warmth that radiated off her body.  Hundreds of memories raced through his mind.  Every touch, every smile, every sound, countless nights he had lost himself so completely in her.  Her head tilted up and her cheek nuzzled against his, he turned a little, their lips so close that he could _feel_ them on his even though they didn’t touch.  His hands moved of their own accord and cupped her face, tangled in her hair, as they moved and breathed.  Kissing without kissing.  Dancing across that paper thin line between something they could walk away from and something that would change everything.    
  
Her tongue darted out and touched lightly against his upper lip, and that was all it took.  The years of pent up want and desire that had never left either of them forced its way to the surface and Steve groaned as all blood went south in that one move.  He pushed her into the doorframe, his body crowded over hers as their lips pressed together in a desperate, hungry, kiss.  Whatever protest his brain might have given was drowned out by the feel of her.  By the soft sigh that escaped her lips that he swallowed up with his mouth, his tongue darting to taste her.  Drowned out by the sheer _lust_ she evoked in him and oh how he had been an idiot to ever think he could ignore it.  He felt like a junkie - forgoing all sense of right and wrong to get a taste of that which he _craved_ .  That which he had gone so long without.  
  
Her legs wrapped around him and he moved his hands to cup her ass.  He moved them across the hall to her bedroom and they pulled apart with a small laugh as he all but tripped over Molly who quickly scurried out of the room. They stumbled back against the bed and Steve laid her down.  “Steve…” she breathed out in a sigh as his lips trailed from hers to the side of her neck and he had forgotten how _good_ his name sounded on her lips like that.  His hands moved to run down her sides, along the smooth silk of her camisole but he longed for her skin.  She hissed a breath as his hands ducked under the cami.  
  
“I missed you, God, I missed you so much,” he finally allowed himself to admit.  Words pressed against the skin of her neck, breathed out as his hands slid across her skin.  Words that had for weeks burned on the tip of his tongue, that he had kept under wraps because it was _wrong_ \- something he shouldn’t have even been thinking, let alone saying.  
  
Her breath hitched as his hands ran over her breasts, her hips pressed up into his.  “I missed you too,” she sighed out.  She lifted herself up slightly as his hands pulled at the bottom of her camisole and he lifted it over her head.      
  
He moved down her and his lips pressed feather light kisses to the skin around her belly button before he stilled suddenly.  “Steve?” she asked gently after a brief moment.  She lifted her head so she could look down at him.  She could feel his hand gently trace the stretch marks that lingered on her pale skin, the raised lines that marked her _mother_ .  The physical proof left on her body that had borne a child, that she wasn’t just a harbinger of death but capable of bringing life.  “Steve…” she asked again as he moved off of her to sit on the edge of the bed.    
  
He shook his head a little at the sound of her voice.  He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes.  He hadn’t just missed Alex.  He hadn’t missed her birth, those first days, months, years.  He hadn’t just missed first steps and first words.  He had missed _Natasha._  He had missed midnight cravings, he had missed how beautiful she must have been as her stomach swelled with the life inside of her.  He had missed the feel of a baby kicking under his hand. “I should have been there,” he answered her.

Natasha flinched slightly at the bitterness in his tone. At the way his body stiffened.  She grabbed her camisole from where he had dropped it and slipped it back over her head before she moved to sit on the edge of the bed beside him. “I know,” she said softly, her voice thick with emotion.

“Then why didn't you _let_ me,” his voice cracked on the words.

“I made a mistake,” she admitted. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat before she continued. “I know that now, Steve. I knew it back then too but I could make myself think it was the right thing before. I can't do that anymore. It wasn't the right decision.”  She glanced over at him beside her. “And I'm sorry, Steve. I am _so_ sorry.  I know I took your choice away and I know how much that hurts,” she knew it better than most. “I was just _so_ sacred that you would force yourself to doing something you really didn't want if you knew.”

Steve pressed his lips into a line and tried to calm the anger that he still felt so strongly before he spoke. “Something I didn't want - what, like get down on one knee and ask you to marry me,” he retorted back and looked at her. “I've still got a damn ring in my closet Natasha,” he hissed.

“And Bucky?” he asked suddenly.  Natasha stiffened at the change in subject. “Why didn't you tell me about Bucky?”

“I didn't know how,” she said quietly. “I didn't even realize who he was until after the Potomac. And you were so determined to find him, Steve, and everything between us was so new I just didn't want to add _more_ to everything that was going on.”  She paused. “I _would_ have told you.”  
  
“Before or after I found him,” Steve snapped back and narrowed his eyes at her.  He stood and walked a few steps away from the bed before he looked back at her.  “God, Nat, I knew you weren’t always honest with everyone but I thought at least _I_ was different.  That what we had made things different,” he seethed.

It stung.  A lot.  And she knew it probably showed on her face as she tried to recover from the words.  Her relationship with Bucky had been more than complicated and it was never something Natasha had ever been certain how to approach with Steve.  Most days it felt like another person who had been with James, another life.  Someone she hadn’t been for years before Steve Rogers walked into her life.  And before she figured out how to handle it, she’d left.

“Don’t do that,” she shot back.

“Do what?” Steve asked.

“That _thing_ you do!” she all but shouted as she stood.  She paused and tried to collect herself before she continued, the last thing they needed was to wake up Alex.  “You hold everyone to this ridiculously high standard of morality and then punish us when we don’t meet it.  It’s not that _easy_ for some of us to always know the right thing to do.”  She knew that maybe she wasn’t being fair, but she was angry, defensive.  A combination that had never served her well when it came to Steve.

Steve stared her down and crossed his arms in front of him.  “You think it’s easy for me?” he asked, incredulous.  

“No,” Natasha said sharply.  “You just _act_ like it.”  She paused and held his gaze, refusing to back down and only looked away when he did.  “You should go home, Steve,” she suggested.  “Call your girlfriend,” and maybe that one was a low blow, but she couldn’t help it.  

Her eyes narrowed as she kept her gaze on him and she watched as he pressed his lips together and then nodded before he left her room without another word.  She waited until she heard the door open and shut and then she crawled into her bed.  She felt awful, _worse_ than awful, and she curled onto her side and pulled her duvet around her tight.  For the first time in a long while she felt the hot sting of tears as she tried vainly to drift off to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had hoped to get the birthday party in this update but it didn't fit with the ending, so look forward to that in the next update!
> 
> As always thank you everyone for all the encouragement on this.

Steve's hips pressed into hers as they moved together into the room, as hands seeked out buttons and zippers. A dance as they shed each other of clothes and moved toward the bedroom. They didn't speak much - they didn't  _ have _ to. They knew exactly how to move, where to touch each other, where to trail hands and lips and how to read the others soft sighs and moans. Words, past the other's name on their lips like a prayer -  were unnecessary.  They had long since mastered the art of speaking without speaking.

He pulled her apart slowly, all teasing touches and the softest of kisses to all those spots he knew drove her insane. He moved with her, in perfect sync. He brought her to the edge of pleasure and held her there before they tumbled over tog ether. 

And it was only then, only when they had completely satisfied each other and his arms wrapped around her tight as she curled into his side did he speak.   _ I love you. _  And those three little words drove out her fears and anxieties, and filled the holes they left behind with a warmth she had never know. A strength to let her own confession out into the night, in the safe place in his bed far from the horrors of their lives.  _ I love you, too. _

The sound of a crash and Natasha bolted up in the bed. Her hand instinctively went to the gun under her pillow but she relaxed as soon as she heard  _ oh no Daddy  _ in her daughter's voice, followed by a giggle from Alex and a laugh from Steve. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes and tried to shake the last remnants of the dream as she let herself flop back on the pillow. She fumbled for her phone on the nightstand and checked the time - 10:12 - and Natasha knew it was only because Steve had probably snuck into the suite hours ago that she even got the sleep she did.

Steve.

Natasha sighed and let her hand fall onto her forehead and she winced slightly as the edge of her phone pegged her temple. She wasn't exactly sure when she'd finally drifted off to sleep, but she figured given the tiny bit of sun that had started to sneak in through the blinds it was somewhere in the vicinity of god awful early in the morning.  Her eyes felt raw and swollen from the lack of sleep and the tears she had shed. The night’s fight had played over and over in her mind - both making her more angry and more sad all at once. It hadn't even been until after Steve had stormed out and the fog of adrenaline had lifted that his words had even properly sunk in. 

_ I've still got a damn ring in my closet.  _

He had wanted to marry her. He had gone so far as to get a ring. A ring he  _ still had.   _ A ring that had been purchased not because of a pregnancy, not out of some misguided notion of being the  _ right thing to do _ , but because he had  _ wanted to. _  He had wanted her to be his wife.  For the life of her Natasha had no idea how to process that.  Or much of anything else that had happened. She felt the familiar weight of guilt - although for a whole new host of reasons now. She touched her fingers to her lips and she could still feel his against them, could still feel the ghost of his touch, and whatever excitement it had conjured last night was now buried under the stark reality of day.  There was only one woman Steve was supposed to be kissing, and she wasn’t her.  As much as that  _ hurt _ , Natasha had to come to terms with it.  She had let the situation, let her emotions, get the better of her and she couldn’t do that again.  It wasn’t fair - to any of them.    
  
Natasha knew she couldn’t hide in her room forever, as much as she might want to right then.  So she begrudgingly forced herself out from under the warm safety of her blankets and padded into the ensuite.  She washed her face with cold water, hoping to alleviate some of the redness from her eyes but with no avail.  She pressed her lips together as she regarded her reflection.  She looked, well, like shit.  She raked her hands through her hair and gave up, sweeping it into a messy bun on the top of her head.  She traded last night’s sleep shorts and camisole for a pair of legging and a long t-shirt she found on the bathroom floor.  It wasn’t perfect, but it would do she figured.  It wasn’t like she was supposed to want to impress the damn man anyways.  

She moved quietly from her bedroom and into the living area.  Steve stood at the large island that separated the kitchen from living room with Alex sitting on the countertop.  Steve helped her crack an egg and drop the contents into a bowl.  His voice was soft and patient as he walked her through it, and then as he instructed her how to whisk the eggs together with the milk already in the bowl.  Natasha paused and just simply watched for a few moments before she moved toward them.     
  
“Mama!” Alex cried out when she spotted Natasha and grinned brightly.  “We’re making french toast,” she proclaimed.     
  
Natasha moved to press a kiss to Alex’s head and ruffled her hair a little as she smiled down at her daughter.  It was both heartwarming but at the same time worrisome how much Alex’s demeanor had brightened now that her Daddy was back home.  It wasn’t that Alex had been  _ depressed  _ the entire time Steve had been gone, but there had been a marked difference none the less.  An absence had been felt, by both of them.  Things had been empty in a way without Steve stopping by, without these little moments that made them feel so much like a family - even if every logical part of Natasha screamed that she shouldn’t feel that way.  Steve had someone else waiting for him.  He had a life that while Alex could fit, she herself shouldn’t be trying to force herself into.  

“You’re in luck then, Malyshka, Daddy makes the best french toast,” she said and let her eyes meet Steve’s.  While she knew his stamina was far beyond that of most people, she could still see dark circles under his eyes, a tiredness in his posture.  More than the lack of sleep, she could see the  _ weight _ of the night before on him.  He offered her a tentative smile, and she gave one back.  She knew there were things they needed to talk about, but it was a conversation not to be had in front of Alex and they both knew that.   
  
“There’s coffee,” Steve said.     
  
Natasha nodded.  “Thanks,” she replied.  She gave another little kiss to the top of Alex’s head before the girl tugged on Steve’s sleeve to keep going with the french toast.  Natasha moved around the kitchen and filled a mug with coffee, she took a few sips before she started to set the table as Steve helped Alex dip slices of bread into the mix.  The sound and smell of the bread hitting the griddle made her stomach rumble despite her nerves and exhaustion.  

It didn’t take long before the three of them settled at the table with their plates of French toast. Alex kept the conversation going between the three of them and there was never enough of a lull to let an awkward silence settle between her parents. It would almost be picture perfect Natasha couldn't help but think. A dangerous thought that she forced from her mind as she filled her coffee cup. But it was so easy to keep falling into that thought. So easy to think about how much Steve had just started to  _ fit _ in their life over these past few weeks, how they felt complete when he was there and  _ incomplete _ when he was gone, even more so than she had felt all those years before she came back home. Stupid,  _ childish _ , thoughts and what if’s that danced around her mind. Moments when it was easy to forget - as they cleaned up, passed dishes back and forth and laughed with  _ their daughter _ \- that Steve had someone else waiting for him. It was easy to lose herself in it, to rewrite their current situation even as the fight from the prior night still weighed her down.  

It was easy to find herself gravitating toward Steve, falling back into that wordless sync they had.  To feel herself being pulled into his personal space as he crowded hers.  Until they faced each other with barely inches between them and her breath hitched as he touched a hand to her arm lightly.  Alex danced around the kitchen, oblivious to the drama that was being played out.  She  _ wanted _ to be angry at him, to wrap that around herself and hate him for the harsh words he’d had the night before.  She couldn’t though, not when his fingers curled so lightly around her arm, not when their eyes met and she could _ see _ the guilt of their fight so plain on his face.  Not when he still could make her heart race the way he did, when even the smallest touch set her body aflame.     
  
“Natasha.. I…” Steve started, his voice rough and she pressed her lips together as her own hand moved of its own accord to his on her arm.  

“Hello?” Bucky’s voice sounded from the entrance to the suite, breaking the moment.  
  
“Uncle Bucky!” Alex cried out and ran towards Bucky who easily scooped her up as he walked into the kitchen.  Steve and Natasha broke apart quickly and moved to opposite sides of the room.  They snuck a look at each other, Steve leaned against the counter and Natasha crossed her arms lightly across her stomach where she stood.  Natasha knew though from the way Bucky eyed the two of them he’d caught the tail end of the move, and she could see the worry that he had interrupted something on his face.  She watched the look the two men exchanged, Steve’s expression clearly one of  _ don’t worry about it _ that did a little to alleviate the concern on Bucky’s face.  She offered him a small smile with a short nod when his gaze turned to her.    
  
Bucky turned his attention to Alex in his arms and smiled at the girl.  “Did you miss me, Princess?” he asked and tried to clear the weighted moment he had interrupted.  He had missed her, he was sure they  _ all _ had.  Even Tony who he had seen just before had mentioned his own intentions of stopping by later that day.  Grown men who saved the world on a regular basis and they had all been undone by a very soon to be four year old girl.    
  
Alex seemed to debate the question for a moment.  “No,” she declared as she attempted, and more than failed, to keep a straight face at the bold face lie.    
  
Bucky laughed at that and set her down before he dramatically placed a hand to his chest.  “Ouch.” He gave one last look between Steve and Natasha before he squatted down in front of Alex.  “So what did I miss while I was gone?” he asked and the question did what he hoped.  

“Lots of stuff, come on” Alex said and gave a quick glance back to her parents before she tugged Bucky by the hand toward her room to show him the few new toys and books she had gotten.   
  
“Hey, Steve,” Bucky called back as he was being led out of the room.  “Tony was looking for you by the way,” he said before he disappeared down the hall.   


A weighted silence settled between Steve and Natasha once the distractions had cleared the room and they were left alone.  Natasha knew it was probably for the best that Bucky had walked in when he did, they had gotten dangerously close to a repeat of the night before.  Still though, there was a part of her that felt the absence of his presence so close, that  _ ached _ still for the warmth that had radiated from his body, the way his hand had lingered on her arm, that wanted to again give into the desire that had never ebbed in all her years gone.  But she forced her feet to remain planted, forced herself to keep the distance between them.    
  
She chanced a glance at him, and it was clear he was more than involved in the same internal tug of war that she was.  She wasn't sure what to say right then, so she busied herself with grabbing her coffee mug from the table and she filled it again. She leaned against the counter beside the coffee maker and took a drink. 

Steve watched her all the while. Her feet bare and she moved gracefully around the kitchen, the way the leggings showed off her long, lean frame. Her hair piled up with those few errant strands that had fallen to frame her face. She was beautiful, but it was more than that. It had  _ always  _ been more than that. She had a pull on him, something he could never explain.  Even though he knew it was wrong, even though he was already drowning in the guilt of the indiscretions the night before, he still wanted  _ more.   _ He wanted to pull her to him, tell her how sorry he was for their fight and declare the past just that. Past. It didn't matter, all that mattered was that she was there. 

He didn't though. It wasn't right. Not even just because of Sharon.  Wherever he and Natasha went from here, it wasn't just them anymore. There was their daughter to consider and Steve knew they had to be certain. Fully and completely. Aleksandra deserved that, and Steve wasn’t sure if he was there yet.  

So he maintained the distance between them, stayed put on the other side of the kitchen and didn’t give into his urges. But there was one thing he knew he  _ could  _ do, and  _ should  _ do. “Natasha,” he started and met her gaze when she looked over at him. “About last night - I'm sorry.”     
  
Natasha shook her head. “It's fine, Steve,” she tried to assure him. He hadn’t been wrong, after all, to call her out on the dishonesty she had let seep into their relationship.  First with Bucky and then with Alex. 

“No, it's not,” he insisted. “I don't want that to be us, I don’t want us to be angry at each other, not when we have such a compelling reason to move past that.”  Tony's words from that first day had stuck with Steve in the weeks since. Alex deserved to have parents free of anger.  

Natasha let the words sink in and nodded. She set her cup down and moved toward Steve. She paused before she stepped into him and wrapped her arms around his midsection.  She tucked her head under his chin as his arms tightened around her. It lacked the same tension that was there the night before - in no small part to Alex and Bucky's voices that they could hear from the other room.  There was still a weight to the embrace though, a far step over that line they had been tiptoeing on for weeks.  “I don’t want that either,” she said softly.  “I'm sorry too, Steve,” she started and then pulled back from the hug.  “For everything,”

He held her gaze for a moment before he nodded.  “I know,” was all he replied.  He wasn’t angry anymore, he couldn’t be angry anymore.  He knew without a doubt that this was his future - Natasha and their daugher.  He wanted his  _ family _ .  The life he had never thought he could have had.  All that mattered was moving forward, and he refused to let himself get dragged down by the past anymore.  

She smiled at him and then reached a hand to give his a little squeeze before she went back to her abandoned coffee mug on the counter.  She hopped up to sit and then picked it up, taking a drink before she looked back to Steve.  “Can I ask you something?” she said after a quiet moment.

Steve nodded and moved to lean against the counter beside her.  “Sure.”  
  
Natasha fidgeted with the mug as she debated whether or not she _should_ ask the question on the tip of her tongue.  She kept her eyes on the mug in her hand as she talked.  “Why didn’t you ask me?” she asked, and though it wasn’t specific, they both knew exactly what she was talking about.  

Steve shifted his weight and snuck a quick glance at her before he let his gaze settle out across the kitchen.  He debated the question before he looked back at her with a cheeky smile and a shrug.  “What would you have said, if I had?” he deflected.  

Natasha gave him a smirk.  “I asked you first,” she pointed out.  But she crossed her legs at the ankle and answered his instead.  “Yes,” she said simply.  “I would have said yes.”  It surprised her how easily that answer came, but she meant it.  Even if it had been once she had known of the baby, she still would have said yes.  She wouldn’t have had it in her to walk away.

Steve watched her for a moment and then hung his head.  He tried not to get lost in that, tried not to let himself fall down the awful thinking of what if he had just  _ asked her _ .  He was quiet for a moment as he collected his thoughts and then looked back at her.  “I didn’t know how,” he admitted sheepishly.  “I had a hundred ideas but nothing seemed right.”  God, he had been an idiot, getting wrapped up in the  _ how _ to ask when all that really had mattered was the  _ why _ he was asking.

She took another drink from her mug.  “Simple is good,” she said after and met his eyes.  She shrugged a little.  “I mean I know the movies and everything make it seem like you need to move mountains but most women just want something simple.”  She paused.  “You know, for when you’re ready to ask Sharon.”  She inwardly winced at it, the question in that statement, the fact she didn’t have the guts to just come out and  _ ask _ him if he was going to continue his relationship with Sharon.

Steve shook his head a little.  “I’m not going to ask Sharon,” he answered her as they looked at each other.  He was the first to look away though, when the intensity of the moment got the better of him and he knew he  _ had _ to or else he’d give into his earlier desires.  Which wasn’t something he’d  _ regret  _ necessarily, but something that he knew was wrong at that moment none the less.     
  
He pushed himself off the counter and turned back to look at her.  “I should go see what Tony wants,” he said, excusing himself from the conversation.  “I can come by later?”

Natasha nodded.  “I’d like that,” she answered.  He smiled at her, almost shyly and the expression made him look like a schoolboy instead of the man he was - and it reminded Natasha so much of another day, a lifetime ago.   _ What if I wanted to call you instead. _  She couldn’t help the warmth that spread through her at it, the way her heart skipped a beat.  And as he gave her one smile before he turned to walk out, her own expression slipped into a hopeful grin.

  
__________________________ 

  
  
“Hey, Jarvis?” Steve asked as he walked into the elevator.  

“Yes, Captain Rogers?” came the AI’s reply.  
  
“Where’s Tony?” Steve continued and leaned slightly against the back wall of the elevator as the doors slid shut.   
  
“In his lab, Captain, I’ll send you to the floor,” Jarvis indicated.   
  
“Thanks, J,” Steve replied.  

His thoughts were a disaster, more than muddled and it felt like every other one was ready to betray him. The events of the night before which were so clear and vivid mingled with this morning and taunted him with the very real realization that he wasn't over Natasha. Not even a little bit, and he’d been an idiot to think he ever  _ had _ been.  Even without Alex, even without their daughter that bonded them now in an even deeper way, he knew it would have come to this.  It was her, it was  _ always _ going to be her.  There was nothing he wouldn’t ever forgive her for - the abandonment, her history with his best friend - because at the end of the day he  _ needed _ her.  It was illogical, it was borderline unhealthy but it was  _ there. _  He  _ could _ exist without her, he could do the motions and even fool himself into thinking he’d found a way to be happy again, to move on.  The truth was he didn’t  _ want _ to.  It was just a pale comparison of the life he knew he could have. 

And God, what kind of man did that make him, to be with one woman while harboring feelings for another.  The guilt of his thoughts, his actions, weighed him down and he felt like such an asshole then as he watched the numbers on the elevator display change.  He stifled a yawn, even the stamina the serum had afforded him struggled to keep up with the less than two hours of sleep he’d managed to eek in the night before.  

Finally a ding announced the arrival at the lab and Steve let out a slow breath before he moved into the lab. “Tony?” he called out as he moved through benches of the various projects Tony always had on the go.

“Over here,” came a muffled voice from the other side of the workshop and Steve headed toward the sound.

“You look like shit, Rogers,” Tony immediately said as he looked up at Steve. 

Steve huffed a small laugh. “Thanks, Tony.”  He reached for a trinket on the table and turned it over in his hand before a sharp look from Tony had him immediately putting it back down.  “Anything from the drives you recovered yet?” Steve segued. 

“Hill is still running the decryption, I'll let you know as soon as she has anything,” Tony replied and leaned back in his chair as he turned to face Steve.  “Did you sleep at  _ all _ last night?” he asked as he took in Steve's appearance. 

Steve moved to lean against the side of the work bench and ignored the question.  “Bucky said you were looking for me,” he prompted instead. 

Tony took the hint and nodded.  He debated his next words, he wasn't sure how to explain what had happened to him on the mission to  _ himself,  _ let alone to someone else. If he was being honest he wasn't even sure if he wasn't just losing his damn mind. “Anything -  _ weird -  _ happen to you when we were out?” he asked Steve after a moment. 

Steve raised a brow. “What do you mean by weird?” 

Tony shuffled and shifted in his chair. “Just,  _ weird. _ ”  He paused again and regretted bringing it up in the first place. He knew his mind hadn’t been the same since the Battle of New York. How could it be. And then everything with Extremis piled on top, it had been a long couple of years. Maybe he had gone from screwed up but functional to just plain screwed up. “I don't know know - I was in the Compound and I'd found the drives, and then I swear I saw some girl move past me.”  

Steve could see that the conversation was anything but easy for the other man and he nodded encouragingly. He knew the troubles Tony had been having - not unlike his own troubles in so many ways - but he would never discount Tony's experiences based on that. At the end of the day, well, they were  _ all  _ a little screwed up. 

“Then all the sudden it was like I wasn't even in the same place anymore,” Tony continued. He shook his head as he tried to clear the memory that was still so vivid. “I was just in  _ chaos _ . Destruction everywhere and those - those  _ things  _ \- that Loki sent our way pouring in through a portal.”

“Tony…” Steve started but Tony dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

“You were dead,” he said plainly, as though he would say it was sunny outside. He didn't trust himself to be anything but detached from the words. “I saw you, dead among the piles of rubble. You, Barton, Thor, everyone… even… even Alex and Pepper,” and try as he might he couldn't stop the way his voice wavered on those last two. “That’s what I mean by weird,” he added on quickly and glanced down at his work.   
  
Steve watched Tony carefully as he talked, the way the other man struggled with the emotional impact of the words, the way Steve was sure he couldn’t decide if what had seen was from external forces or just his own mind playing tricks on him.  A waking nightmare, a sign that the PTSD he struggled with had taken over and rendered him what they all feared for themselves.  Unfit.  Useless.  Broken beyond function.  The job they did, it asked a lot of them and it _took_ a lot from them.  Their damn minds some days and more than anyone outside their little world even _knew_.  How could anyone out there even being to understand after all.  
  
Still though, Steve refused to believe the incident was all in Tony’s mind.  If the years since he’d come out of the ice had taught him anything, it was that anything was possible.  He shifted his weight a little and met Tony’s gaze.  “I’m sorry, Tony,” he started.  Seeing what he had seen - whether inflicted on him by the girl he had mentioned, or his own mind - couldn’t have been easy.  Steve knew it probably wasn’t the _first_ time Tony had seen something like that, if Tony had nightmares anything inline with his own then that would be a familiar theme.  But Tony seemed more than rattled by what had just happened and Steve didn’t want to discount that.   

“You mentioned a girl,” Steve mentioned after a pause, a brow raised slightly.     
  
Tony seemed grateful to change the subject away from the content of  _ what  _ he had seen to the circumstances  _ surrounding _ it.  “I didn’t get that good of a glimpse,” Tony started, “but early twenties, dark hair, kind of freaky eyes... and then I was out of it,” he added.     
  
Steve nodded.  “Did you tell Hill?”    
  
Tony leaned back in his chair.  “I told her I saw someone in the compound, but not the… other part.”     
  
Steve understood Tony’s reluctance to fully disclose the details, and it was a testament to how far their own friendship had come that he had even been honest with him.  “I don’t think it was just in your head, Tony,” Steve assured him.  “Especially given the enhanced all of us saw outside the compound,” he pointed out.  The speed the man had exhibited was nothing less than inhuman, the idea there might have been someone else out there with abilities as well  wasn't a stretch.

Tony could feel a weight lift from his shoulders as Steve didn’t immediately discredit what had happened.  It did a little, though didn’t dispel the thoughts entirely, to set his own mind at ease and start to think that maybe it wasn’t just him going insane.  It was, after all, logical to think that something else was at play.  Or  _ someone _ else in this case.  Tony himself hadn’t had the pleasure of facing off against the enhanced the others encountered on the mission, but enough of them had that no one could have denied the man’s existence.  So maybe he just found another one after he had separated from the group to find intel.  

Still though, that didn’t do much to shake the image that had been so vivid.  The blank, lifeless faces, broken bodies in a heap.   _ Pepper. _  Her belly swollen and prominent with the child they would never know.  He had thought his nightmares before had been bad.  That image would haunt him like nothing else for the rest of his life and knew it.  Even when he had crawled into their bed after they’d all arrived back at the Tower, even when his arms had held her close to him and his hands pressed into the barely visible swell of her stomach he still hadn’t been able to shake it.     
  
“You okay?” Steve asked and pulled him from thoughts.    
  
Tony reached forward for a tablet to busy his hands as he debated how to answer.  The vision - or whatever the hell it had been - had hit him hard and he knew a big reason was because of Pepper and the baby.  “Pepper’s pregnant,” he blurted out.  It was earlier than they had agreed on telling people, she wanted to wait until a few more week and they had passed some arbitrary line that declared them  _ safe. _ .  When really, Pepper and their baby would always be anything  _ but  _ that with him around.  

He had understood in the instant the doctor confirmed Pepper’s suspicions what Steve had been so hesitant about.  How could they do what they did, and be fathers.  He had understood why Natasha had run, he had realized just how hard that choice must have been and all the little reasons why she had made that call.  His child wasn’t even  _ that _ yet, not technically.  They were still just an idea, still just a cluster of cells no bigger than the tip of his finger.  So small but yet they meant  _ so much _ and Tony hadn’t the first clue how to handle that.   
  
“That’s - “ Steve started, clearly surprised by the news.  “That’s great, Tony,” he finished.     
  
“Is it?” Tony countered.  He set the tablet back down and stood.  “God, Steve, look at us,” he said and motioned between them.  “Look at what we do, what this  _ job _ is, and what this job is  _ doing _ to us,” he continued and didn’t give Steve a moment to interrupt like he clearly wanted to do.  “We fight, and we fight, but the bad guys keep coming and the bad guys keep getting bigger and badder - how long until they’re bigger and badder than we can handle.”   


Steve felt for Tony.  He understood what Tony was saying.  More than he, as their leader and as their Captain, could  _ ever _ let on.  He wasn’t allowed the luxury of questioning their job, of having anything but absolute certainty that they were able to handle whatever this crazy world threw at them.  That was the burden of leadership - and it was his and his alone to carry.  “We’re always going to be able to handle it, Tony,”  he declared.  

Tony eyed him.  “What the hell makes you so sure about that one, Rogers?”     
  
Steve shrugged and offered his friend a small smile.  “Because I have faith in us, Stark,” he answered.  “Because at the end of the day  _ they _ might get bigger and badder, but  _ we’ll  _ always fight harder,” he elaborated.  “Especially now.”  It wasn’t just the world they had to protect now, it was their own flesh and blood.     
  
Tony let that sink in for a moment and then huffed a laugh.  “Jesus, forties, that was cheesy,” he teased, but they both knew the  _ thank you _ that was hidden in the words.  He let a silence settle between them for a moment and then shrugged.  “I’m going to be a terrible father,” he said with a self deprecating tone.   
  
“I'm not dignifying that with a response,” Steve replied, echoing what Tony had told him what seemed like ages ago now.  “You’re going to do a hell of lot better than you think you,”  he added.  “I know you, Tony, and you’re a far better man than you give yourself credit for.  You’ll be fine.”  He shrugged after a moment and then pushed himself from the counter he had been leaning on.  “I should get going though, Sharon gets in in a few hours,” he said.  Though he hadn’t the first clue what he would say to her, he knew he couldn’t keep what had happened from her.    
  
Tony nodded and watched as Steve moved to leave.  He moved to sit again and picked up his tablet.  “Do me a favor, Rogers?” he asked.    
  
“Yeah?” Steve replied as he paused and turned back to Tony.   
  
“When you and Sharon break up, keep in mind her and I go further back than we do, so don’t make it so awkward the two of you can’t stand to be in the same room,” he said and looked up at Steve.    
  
“How did you…” Steve started.   
  
“J?” Tony called out.     
  
“Yes, sir?” the AI responded.   
  
“What were Captain Rogers’ whereabouts at oh, say, two o’clock this morning, again?” Tony asked.  
  
“He was in Miss Romanoff’s suite, Mr. Stark,” came the reply.   
  
“Didn’t think you had it in you,” Tony said with a smug smirk.    
  
“It’s not - it wasn’t like - “ Steve stammered,     
  
Tony shook his head.  “Don’t hurt yourself, Steve,” he let the other man off the hook.  “Look, I get it.  You and Natasha, you two have always had this…  _ thing _ .  There’s an inevitability there,” he shrugged.  “And now with Alex to consider…” Tony trailed off and looked at Steve.  “You were either going to hate her forever or realize you never stopped being in love with her and we all knew it,” he pointed out.  

Steve nodded. He exchanged one last look with Tony and then turned to walk out of the lab. 

  
__________________________ 

 

Steve was surprised to see Sharon’s shoes at the front door when he walked in, he hadn’t expected her until well after dinner.  He didn’t make a move to slip off his shoes, or hang his jacket up on the coat rack, or drop his keys into the little bowl on the table just inside the door.  Their townhouse suddenly felt foreign as he stood there in the foyer, like he was an intruder.  Someone who no longer belonged.  He hadn’t come back after the fight with Natasha, he had opted instead to stay at his suite in the Tower, and now he wondered if he should have come at all.  If maybe he shouldn’t have texted Sharon to come to the Tower when she got in.  This had been their home, and he was about to make it just a house. The guilt of it gnawed at him, sat heavy in the pit of his stomach and he pressed his lips together.  Sharon didn’t deserve what he was about to do, but the alternative was worse. The weeks of lying to himself had finally caught up to him and now he had to move forward.   
  
“Steve?” he heard her call from upstairs.   
  
“You’re home early,” he called back in reply and he could hear her start down the stairs.  His fingers flexed around the keys in his hand and he shifted his weight from foot to foot.  He knew he had to be honest with Sharon, that prolonging this would only be more unfair to her.  He owed her that much at least.     
  
He looked up at her as she came to the bottom of the stairs to stand in front of him.  It would be easier, he thought right then, if he  _ didn’t  _ care.  If the sight of her didn’t tug at him, if he wasn’t stuck in this god awful place of loving her but knowing that it wasn’t  _ enough. _  He didn’t want to be who he was right then - the kind of man who would hurt a good woman like Sharon, the kind of man who loved two women.  He had told her she had nothing to worry about, when even back then he had known deep down that was a lie.  He had taken her trust in him and been irresponsible with it.    
  
“Managed to meet up with an earlier flight,” she explained and moved toward him.  She wrapped her arms around him in a hug that Steve tried his best to return.  When she pulled back she studied his face, her brow furrowed.  “You alright?  You look…” she offered him an apologetic smile.  “Well, you look like shit, Rogers,” she deadpanned, but not without a tinge of worry.  “The mission go okay?” she asked, the concern evident now in her tone.   
  
Steve nodded.  “Yeah, it was fine,” that one he could answer.  He pressed his lips together and let his head hang down.     
  
“Steve... “ Sharon said softly as she reached for one of his hands, something was clearly  _ wrong _ , and her thoughts - those ones she had been trying to quell for weeks now - went to one place and one place alone.  She flinched,  _ actually _ flinched, as he took a step back from her hesitant touch and all the pieces fell into place.  

The past few weeks, all those days she ignored it because she didn’t want to interfere.  She didn’t push herself into his burgeoning relationship with Alex, all those moments she ignored the feeling in the pit of her stomach that while he was getting close to Alex he couldn’t help the time spent with Natasha too.  The small, subtle, but still  _ there _ distance that had started to creep up between them as he got closer to his daughter, and her mother.  She had wanted so desperately to have faith in him, to have faith in  _ them _ , but in the end… he hadn’t been home the night before and she knew that as she looked at the clothes she knew were from his suite in the Tower, the dark circles under his eyes and the guilt that he couldn't hide.  So in the end it was about to play out just the way she had known it would have all along.

She swallowed hard and glanced up as she blinked rapidly against the wetness that formed her in eyes.  She didn’t want to cry.  Not  _ now. _  She knew she’d do enough of that later.  “You said…” she started, her voice cracked and she took another breath to steady herself.  “You told me I had nothing to be worried about,” she managed to get out and she  _ loathed _ how pathetic that made her sound.   
  


Sharon hugged her arms to herself and backed up to sit on one of the bottom steps. Steve hesitated before he moved to sit down beside her. His lips pressed into a tight line as he gathered his thoughts. He hadn't set out to hurt her, he  _ loved  _ her, that was the last thing he wanted to do. But yet he had.  

“I know,” he conceded. He knew all he had left to do was take whatever she wanted to give him. There was no fixing this. The moment he had crossed the line with Natasha he knew that his relationship with Sharon was over. And that was.for the best. Sharon deserved someone who was all in, not a man who was still in love with another woman. 

“You lied,” she accused as a follow up. She hugged her knees tight, chin on the top of them. She didn't know exactly what had happened. She wasn't sure if she  _ wanted  _ to. All that really mattered was that something  _ had.  _ She let her eyes look out over the foyer of their house.  _ Their house.  _ She could remember vividly still the day they had gotten possession. How happy she had been, how hopeful for the future she had planned with the man she loved. The man who loved her. Who still  _ did _ \- she knew that and it was the hardest part. As much as he did love her, and she loved him. It wasn't  _ enough _ . And now that future future had crumbled before her. 

“I didn't - “ he started, ready to insist that he hadn't  _ known _ he had them, that he hadn't  _ meant _ to lie. But he  _ had.  _ He hung his head down and gave it a small shake. “You're right,” he said instead. 

Sharon wiped at her eyes, tears falling despite her best efforts. She hated this. She hated knowing she had put this much of herself into someone who - if she was being  _ completely  _ honest with herself - would have left her in the end no matter what. She had been an idiot to think her and Steve's story had any other ending than this one right here. 

But she had thought that. As they worked together to find and bring Bucky back.  As their acquaintance turned to friendship and that friendship turned to something more she let herself think it. Because it had been easy, effortless almost. They went through the steps and stages and it had been easy to think it would always be like that. It had been easy to ignore the little voice in the back of her head that this wasn't right. That  _ they _ weren't right. That Steve needed something that she couldn't give. 

Sharon let out a huff of breath and snuck a glance at Steve before she steeled her gaze forward again. “She left without telling you she was pregnant with your kid and you  _ still  _ want to be with her - that's more than a little screwed up. Please tell me you at least know that's screwed up, Steve,” she said.

Steve followed her gaze forward and nodded slightly. “I know it is,” he agreed. But then he and Natasha had always been a little screwed up if he was honest. There was a codependency there that he knew was most likely just on the other side of unhealthy. He knew it was bad that even after everything he still wanted her, still  _ loved  _ her.

“I'm sorry, Sharon,” he said quietly. He wanted to say more. He wanted to tell her that he still cared, that he would  _ miss _ her and that he would always be grateful for the fact she had helped him through so many things. It didn't seem right though, to say any of that. Words that he knew would come across as platitudes designed to absolve him of his guilt. 

Sharon let out a slow breath. “I know, Steve.”  She didn't doubt the sentiment. Steve was not the kind to be deliberately cruel. “I'll be fine,” she assured him and finally let her gaze meet his. “I don't need you, Steve,” she said plainly after a moment. “I never did.”  She  _ loved  _ him of course, but she had never  _ needed  _ him. And she knew that was what had been missing all along.  He needed that, to be needed in a way she had long ago decided she would never need someone. She would never be someone's half a whole, she was her own whole first and foremost. Even without Natasha's return Sharon knew that still would have driven them apart.

Steve held her gaze and she could see the thoughts as they turned in his head. The uncertainty of what there was left to say, to  _ do.   _ She gave another wipe at her eyes and then broke their eye contact. “I need you to leave now,” she said quietly. There would be lots of time in the coming weeks to awkwardly dance around each other as they dealt with the logistics of their break up. Contents of a house to divvy up, the property itself to sell. Right then she needed her space to grieve the relationship before she could handle all that. 

He nodded again, his lips pressed together tight.  He lifted a hand and seemed poised to settle it on one of hers wrapped around her knees, but he hesitated and thought better of it. He felt awful, but he knew this was the right thing to do. It wasn't fair to her to keep pretending.

He stood and paused for a long moment before he looked back at Sharon. “I'm sorry,” he repeated.  “Goodbye, Sharon,” he added softly and then turned, his keys still in hand, and left the house.    
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always guys, thank you so much for the support on this <3

 

Bucky and Steve stared down the aisle of ponies and dolls, both clearly out of their element. The rows seemed never ending and Steve couldn't help but think about how different the world was for kids compared to when he was one.  Knee deep in the Depression Steve could recall many a birthday that had gone by with the barest of bones - and even those who did _have_ , the sheer amount of stuff in this day and age would still be a shock he would imaging. And as he caught Bucky's eye he knew he wasn't the only one.

“What the hell are we doing here, Stevie,” Bucky asked rhetorically with a laugh.

“Spoiling my kid,” Steve answered with a laugh of his own. He picked up a Bratz Doll in arms reach and turned it over with a displeased look before he set it back on the shelf.

Bucky started towards the shelves of My Little Pony toys. Steve followed and looked to Bucky as they stopped. “I broke up with Sharon last night,” he started. It still felt surreal somehow. He still knew it was the right choice, but it still didn’t make it easy.  He still felt weighed down by his own guilt over the end of the relationship.  He knew better than most how much it hurt to have someone else decide the state of a relationship, and it killed him that he had done that to Sharon.    
  
Bucky glanced over at him.  “Because of Natalia?” he asked and then turned back to look at the shelves of toys.  
  
Steve shrugged a little.  “Mostly,” he admitted.  Though Sharon’s words lingered in his mind.   _I don’t need you, Steve.  I never did._  Maybe in the end it never would have worked regardless.  Maybe while he did care about, and love, Sharon, they simply weren’t meant to be.  Maybe Natasha’s return was simply the catalyst to what they had both known deep down.  Something had been missing between them, and it always had been.  He sighed a little and raked his hand through his hair.  “Other things too…” he continued.  “But yeah, mostly Nat.”  Which was the truth.  Natasha coming back, Natasha coming back _with Alex_ , had definitely spurred the inevitable.  His actions with Natasha had spurred the inevitable.  

“I'm sorry,” Bucky offered and then looked at Steve again. “I think I'm sorry?  I gotta be honest, Stevie, your love life is complicated right now and I might need you to tell me what the appropriate response here is,” he teased and held up a plush purple pony.  Twilight Sparkle, he was ashamed to know.  
  
Steve nodded at the toy and Bucky tossed it into the cart.  “Sorry is good,” he answered with a shrug.  He reached for a Rainbow Dash playset but dropped his hand midway and turned to lean against the shelf.  “I don’t know… I feel like an asshole, Bucky,” he admitted.  “She deserved better,” he added.  
  
Bucky looked over at him.  “Than you?” he started, “I’ve been saying that for a year,” he reminded Steve with a ghost of a smile, an attempt to lighten the situation.  He reached and took the playset that Steve had looked at, tossed it in the cart and turned back to his friend.  “The first time I met Sharon she took me down unarmed, the girls tough and it’s going to take a lot more than you to break her,” he assured Steve.  “And you are an asshole, Steve, you’re the asshole who broke her heart and you’re just going to have to live with that,” he added.  
  
“Wow, Buck, this is one hell of a pep talk,” Steve deadpanned, but he didn’t begrudge the words.  They were, after all, true.  
  
“I just tell it like I see it, Steve,” Bucky countered.  “You’re an asshole… but - “ he began again.  “You and Natasha - you have a _kid._  That’s a big deal, and if you think you can make that work, the whole family thing, then you need to do that.”  
  
Steve held Bucky’s gaze for a moment and then nodded.  “Would that - “ he started and pressed his lips together for a brief moment as he tried to think about how to word the question.  It had been a moot point before, never discussed because Natasha was _gone_ , but now - well, Steve figured it needed a conversation.  “I don’t want to - I mean you two were - “ he tried again.  
  
Bucky laughed and tossed another plush into the cart.  “Don’t hurt yourself, Steve,” he said.  “What Natasha and I had - it was a long time ago, we were different people,” he started and looked over at Steve.  “The man - “ there was a brief pause as he debated the word, as he wondered if who he was back then could even be called a man. “The man who loved her isn’t who I am now, and the woman who loved him isn’t the one you love,” he explained.  “All I will ever want from her is for her to be happy - and I know you’ll make her happy,” he added and gave Steve a small smile.    
  
Steve held his gaze and then nodded slowly.  “And what about you, Bucky?  What about your happiness?” he asked, his tone concerned.  
  
Bucky shrugged a little and glanced around the aisle of toys.  “I am happy, Steve,” he answered as he looked back at his friend.  “I’m shopping for ponies for my best friend’s daughter’s birthday,” he added as he threw in a few more toys to the cart.  There were so many years he couldn’t account for, years where he lived but he wasn’t allowed the luxury of being himself.  He wondered if Steve would ever understand how much just being allowed to be _himself_ meant.  Bucky always figured anything on top of that was a bonus.  Alex one of the best ones.     
  
Steve watched Bucky as he debated whether or not to push the conversation, but he opted instead to smile a little and reach for a toy.  “And the dragon,” Steve pointed out.  “We can’t forget about the dragon.”  
  
“Spike,” Bucky corrected as he grabbed one from the shelf.  “This is ridiculous, Steve,” he started as he tossed Spike into the cart.  “Friendship is magic my ass,” he muttered as they went back to choosing items from the shelves.

  
______________________

 

“I might have gone a little overboard,” Steve admitted as he and Natasha sat on the floor and worked through wrapping the pile of presents.    
  
“Really?  You don’t say,” Natasha teased him, though the bags she had brought over to his suite to wrap without Alex around to peek had her somewhere well into overboard herself.  Birthdays before had always been special, but a quiet affair.  They had lived so light, out of suitcases that could be packed a moment’s notice, and so the piles of presents had never been possible before.  She found it hard to not make up for lost time.

They settled into the task at hand, wordlessly passing back and forth the scissors and tape, the rolls of paper.  It was an easy silence, comfortable.  But Natasha found herself unable to keep her focus as he eyes would glance to the open bedroom door where she could see a duffel bag on the bed. Her curiosity was more than peaked, but she didn't feel right asking about it. So instead she tried to focus on the wrapping and pushed the question that burned on her tongue from mind.

Steve watched her as she finished wrapping a book and shook his head with a small laugh as her eyes darted back to the bedroom. “You can ask,” he told her.

Natasha glanced over at him. _Of course_ he knew what she was thinking. She set the wrapped package down and shifted where she sat cross legged on the floor. “You moving into the Tower?” she asked.

He nodded and stretched his leg out beside her. “For now,” he answered. “Didn't seem right to stay at the townhouse, given everything,” he continued.    
  
“So, you and Sharon…” Natasha started.  Try as she might she couldn’t form the words _broke up_ .  It felt weird somehow.    
  
Steve understood where she was going though and nodded again.  “Yeah - well - “ he paused and turned a roll of tape over in his hand.  “I’m still in love with you,” he admitted and looked up Natasha.  
  
She could feel her heart drop at the words.   _I’m still in love with you._  She had hoped, she had thought.  It was completely different to _know._  And maybe it wasn’t the best reaction, but she couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips as she ducked her head.  She felt hopeful in a way she hadn’t known in years.  She knew it wouldn’t magically make it all better, that things would still take time - but he still loved her.  She lifted her head again to see him still looking at her, his eyes open and warm, and filled with the emotion of his words.     
  
“I’m still in love with you, too,” she said after a moment. He smiled at that. That little, bashful smile he had that she hadn't seen in far too long. It made her heart race and she smiled back as his foot tapped against her leg.

“Good,” he said lightly. “Otherwise this conversation would have been really awkward.”

Natasha laughed a little and let her arm rest on his shin. “So what now?” she asked. Because after all, it was one thing for them to still love each other and another entirely to do something about it.

Steve was quiet for a moment. There was what he _wanted_ to do, and what he knew he _should_ do, but it was the latter that won. He let out a slow breath. “I want us to be a family,” he said, his voice soft but confident in his words. “You, Alex,” he kept her gaze, “You two are my future, Natasha. A future I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have…”

She had leaned forward while he'd spoke, reached for his hand and laced their fingers together. The words were everything she'd wanted to hear, but she couldn't _not_ hear the unsaid _but_.  She steadied herself with a breath.  “But…” she prompted.

“I just broke up with Sharon,” he started, his lips pressed into a tight line. “I'm still a little - shell shocked,” he admitted, “by Alex, by you.  I don't want to rush into this because I think - this, our _family_ , it deserves more than that,” he watched her as he spoke, trying to gauge her reaction.

She nodded and gave his hand a squeeze.  “I understand, Steve,” she assured him. “So we take it slow,” she added with a small smile. “I can wait, until you're ready.”  She pulled her hand back and reached for another present to wrap. “But seriously, Steve, overboard might be an understatement” she said with a laugh, one that turned into a _hey!_ when he lobbed the roll of tape at her.

______________________

The party, much to Steve’s surprise given Tony and Pepper’s insistence in doing the planning, was a relatively low key affair.  Tony had rented out a park for the afternoon, there was a bouncy castle set up, picnic tables set out and decorated.  A barbeque was warming up for them to throw some burgers on, food and drinks in coolers.  Big, comfy looking wicker deck chairs with cushions lined around a fire pit.  It was small, intimate, _normal_ .  Which was exactly what Tony had aimed for after talking with Natasha about the party.   _I don’t know_ , she had said when asked about it, _something normal, she’s never had normal._  So the family backyard party was what Tony aimed for, on a slightly larger scale since the Tower lacked a backyard.  A few of Pepper’s more trusted security agents stood a perimeter, to ensure that what had happened at the Zoo wouldn’t happen here - agents that Molly insisted on running up to and sniffing out on her own before rejoining Alex - but other than that it seemed every bit a normal afternoon to celebrate someone turning four.    
  
“It’s perfect, Tony,” Natasha said with gratitude as she - along with Alex, Steve, and Bucky - walked up to him and Pepper.  She lenaed up and pressed a quick kiss to Tony’s cheek.  
  
“Thank you for reining him in,” Natasha said with a teasing tone as she hugged Pepper warmly.

“Well, I figured no four year old _really_ needs the Cirque du Soleil at their birthday party,” Pepper responded in a tone that was hard to tell if she was being serious or not.  Natasha figured with Tony involved it could really go either way.   

“Thank you, both of you, really,” Steve added as Natasha and Pepper pulled apart.  He gave Alex at his side a gentle nudge and she dropped Steve’s hand to hug Tony and Pepper in turn.

“Thank you,” she said brightly before she grabbed Bucky’s hand and dragged him off toward the bouncy house.  
  
“Auntie Nat!” an excited call rang out. Natasha, Steve, Tony, and Pepper looked over to the entrance to the park where a young girl bounded over to Natasha.  Tony and Pepper looked on in confusion as Clint followed after the girl, along with a very pregnant woman and a boy who appeared to be about ten.    
  
“ _Auntie Nat?_ ” Tony asked, his brow perked as Natasha hoisted Lila up onto her hip.  He looked at Steve who just shrugged, and then at Clint who mirrored the move.  
  
Pepper recovered quicker than Tony and stepped toward Laura with a warm smile and outstretched hand.  “Hi, I’m Pepper,” she introduced herself.  
  
“Laura,” the woman replied and smiled.  “Clint’s wife,” she explained and laughed at Tony’s eyes going even wider.  “And this is Cooper,” she said as she tousled the boy’s hair.  “And that one there is Lila,” she added as she pointed to the girl on Natasha’s hip.    
  
“The third one will be known as traitor,” Natasha piped up after she greeted Lila and threw a smik back at Laura.    
  
“Nathaniel,” Laura corrected good naturedly and looked back to Pepper.  “It’s nice to meet you, and you too, Tony,” she said as she looked to Tony.  

“You have a wife,” Tony said to Clint as he looked at Laura with disbelief.    
  
Clint laughed.  “Come on, Stark, I’m almost insulted here,” he countered.  
  
“Auntie Nat,” Lila started, “where’s Alex?”  
  
Natasha set Lila down and pointed toward the bouncy house.  “Over there, Solnyshko,” she answered and watched with a smile as both her and Cooper ran off toward the bouncy house.  
  
“You knew?” Tony asked as he turned to look at Steve.  Steve just shrugged again and shared a grin with Natasha at Tony’s reaction to it all.  “Who else knew - was I the last to know, you guys all know how I hate being the last to know…” Tony continued on, stopped only by Pepper laying her hand on his arm.  

“Anyone _else_ have any kids they’ve been hiding this whole time?” he asked as he looked between Natasha and Clint and then nodded toward Thor as he came into the park with Jane and Darcy.  “Any little thunder gods running around that we should know about there, blondie?”

“Uhhh…” Thor started, clearly confused by the sudden questioning upon his arrival.  “I’m sorry, what’s the question?”  
  
“He’s asking if you have any kids,” Darcy deadpanned and looked between Thor and Jane.  “I’m really hoping the answer is no or else this party’s about to get stupidly awkward.”  
  
Thor glanced between the two women and then let his gaze linger on Jane.  He shook his head.  “No, of course not,” he declared and smiled as she eyed him closely.  She seemed satisfied by the answer after a moment and after asking where the gifts should go started with Darcy in the direction Natasha indicated.  
  
Thor lingered back and Tony gave him a look that clearly read _really?_  Thor pressed his lips into a tight smile and then shrugged before he headed off after Jane and Darcy.

Laura laughed, almost nervously at the whole exchange.  “Well… I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m starving.”  It did enough to break the awkwardness that had settled and they all laughed and started towards the picnic tables.  
  
The afternoon drifted into evening as the gathered guests enjoyed celebrating Alex’s birthday.  Conversations flowed easily between everyone as they watched the kids run around.  Arguments over grilling styles got eye rolls and laughs from the women.  A game of pick up football was started, presents opened, and cake ate.  The bouncy castle kept the kids - and most of the adults - entertained.   _Children,_ Natasha had said in exaggerated disdain as she watched grown men take over a child’s toy.  To which Sam and Steve cornered her so Steve could wrap his arms around her midsection and unceremoniously toss her into the castle.  
  
And as the sun started to sink behind the trees, marshmallows roasted on a fire in the fire pit, the conversations lively, Steve went quiet and glanced around, just observing it all.  Alex stood with Bucky and Cooper by the fire, where the two very carefully showed her how to roast her marshmallow, all the while Bucky telling some tall tale about when he and Steve were kids themselves.  Clint chatted with Sam and Rhodey while Lila tugged on his leg before he laughed, gave up on adult conversation and helped her roast her marshmallows.  Tony and Thor recounted some story to Jane and Darcy while Natasha sat with Pepper and Laura, the three of them lost to their own conversation.  He smiled a little as he looked over his friends - his _family_ \- and this little moment of normalcy they managed to have despite the insanity of their lives.    
  
Natasha glanced up to catch Steve as he looked over at her, Laura, and Pepper.  She smiled softly at him and then excused herself from the two other women.  Wine glass in hand she moved over to Steve, smiled again, and nudged his knee with her own.  “Move over,” she ordered lightly.  She sunk down into the oversized chair beside him as he did.  It was tight, she was practically half sitting in his lap and he had to maneuver his arm around her, but Steve didn’t mind.  He knew he probably _should_ , he knew that maybe this was crossing some line, and most likely not in line with the _take it slow_ he had been trying to tell himself over the past couple of days - but it felt too nice to be curled up in the chair with her, surrounded by their family to really be bothered.  
  
Their gaze settled out over Bucky, Alex, and Cooper at the fire, the easy laughs that came between the three, the scene of _happiness_ before them.  Steve’s hand drew idle patterns down Natasha’s arm, a move he didn’t much realize he was even making at first.  Natasha relaxed against him, lifted her legs up to rest over  his and tucked her head under his chin.  A move more intimate than the _friends_ they were aiming for, but she couldn’t help herself.  She had let her floodgates open and it was hard to walk that line.  Not when she knew he had broken up with Sharon, when _she_ was the reason.  Not when he had come to her and all but promised a future.  She had lost her safety net of having to look at him and remind herself that he _wasn’t hers_ and she felt like she was finally coming up for air.  And as Steve’s arms moved to encircle her more, the soft pattern his finger danced across her bare arm leaving a trail of goosebumps and the feeling of _home_ washed over her - well, could she _really_ be held accountable for her actions.    
  
They watched as light danced across their daughter’s face from the fire, lighting up the joy in her eyes.  “How’d we get so damn lucky,” Natasha said softly as her eyes roamed across the other faces nearby and Steve knew immediately she meant more than just their daughter.  That she meant all the people who had welcomed Alex without hesitation, their friends who had forgiven her of her actions and welcomed her home.  This family they had carved out for themselves when they had thought such a thing would never be for them.    
  
Steve laughed softly and the sound of if vibrated against Natasha’s back where she was pressed into his chest. “I have no idea,” he admitted.  It was easy - _too easy_ as it often was - to get lost in the feel of her curled up against him, the warmth that radiated off her body, the smell of the shampoo she used, the faint scent of her perfume - how he knew she was more than capable of killing men twice her size but in his arms she was nothing but soft curves and content sighs.  It was especially easy in a moment like this, surrounded by the soft laughs of _their daughter_ .  He ducked his head down and pressed his lips gently to her temple, his hand skated down her arm and found her hand.  Both of them found their breath caught in their throats as she let her fingers entwine with his.    
  
“ _Steve…_ ” she breathed out.  His words from a few days before lingered through her mind.   _I’m still in love with you._  Her hand gave his a squeeze and she turned a little to be able to look at him.  If anyone was paying attention to them - which she highly doubted from the clatter of other conversations around them - she would have been hard pressed to care right then as she all but drowned in his eyes.  The depth of the emotion she saw there and she could so easily lose herself in the way it kept waking up all those parts of herself she had shut down in her years gone.  She let go of his hand to cup his face, her thumbs brushed lightly over his lower lip.  She searched his eyes, so desperate to lean in and close the distance, to brush her lips against his.  But she knew he wanted to take things slow and she wanted to respect that.  Which was hard when every inch of her body longed for his and the connection that was still so strong between them.  
  
“Daddy! Mama!” Alex’s sudden cry as she bounced up to them pulled them apart and Natasha let her hands drop from Steve’s face as they both turned their attention to Alex.  “Look!” she added proudly as she held out the smore that Cooper and Bucky had helped her construct.    
  
“Looks delicious,” Steve declared and with his arm hooked tight around Natasha’s waist so he wouldn’t drop her onto the ground he leaned forward and took a bite of the treat in her hand.    
  
“Hey, Daddy!” Alex yelled as Natasha laughed.  
  
The marshmallow broke in Steve’s mouth and he immediately regretted his choice as the hot goo inside hit the roof of his mouth.  “Ow!” he cried out with his mouth full.  “Shit, that’s hot,” he let out as he tried to swallow the marshmallow despite the burning heat.  
  
“That’s a bad word,” Alex exclaimed in unison with a _language, Cap!_ from Tony.  Steve laughed at the reactions as he managed to get the bite down, Natasha doing much the same.

“Smooth, Rogers,” she said between laughs and reached a hand out to wipe at a crumb on his lower lip.  

Sam walked over with a bottle of water that Steve took gratefully. “We can't take you anywhere man,” Sam said with a conspiratorial grin at Natasha.

Steve took a drink from the bottle and gave them both a look. Alex held out her s'more for Natasha to hold and then climbed up onto Steve's lap.  The three of them moved around until comfortable and Alex started to eat the rest of her s'more. The conversations around them resumed, along with a healthy amount of teasing toward Steve.  But he didn't mind the jokes, or the burnt feeling on the roof of his mouth, the night was too perfect to be dragged down by such things.

______________________

“I got her,” Steve said quietly as he walked into Natasha's suite with Alex fast asleep in his arms, Molly trailing behind them. Natasha held the door open and then went ahead of them down the hall to open the door to Alex’s room and turn on the bedside lamp. He gently placed her down on her bed and Natasha worked at pulling her shoes off as the dog hopped up to curl up on the bed with Alex.

“Daddy?” Alex asked as she stirred a little.

“I'm right here,” Steve assured her and brushed his hand over her forehead.

“Love you,” she mumbled sleepily.

“Love you, too,” Steve told her and leaned down to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Happy birthday.”  He stood and left the room as Natasha headed over to the bed with pyjamas for Alex.  He leaned against the wall in the hallway, listening as Natasha hummed a lullaby softly while she got Alex into pyjamas and under the covers.    
  
Natasha softly padded out of Alex’s room, closing the door gently behind her and looked up at Steve with a small smile.  “She’s out cold,” she let him know and they moved toward the kitchen.  “Can I get you anything?” she asked as she watched Steve lean against the counter.    
  
He shook his head.  “No, I’m good, thanks.”  He paused for a moment before speaking again.  “Well I’d say that was a successful birthday,” he said with a smile at Natasha.  

Natasha nodded. “She was spoiled rotten,” she added with a smirk.  There was a small mountain of toys that would need to be organized in the morning, she didn’t have the energy to even think about it right then.  She gave Steve a teasing grin.  “In no small part thanks to you,” she continued.    
  
Steve shrugged sheepishly.  “What can I say, I’m weak,” he replied lightly.  A silence settled between the and Steve glanced down at his feet for a moment before he looked up at Natasha.  “I should probably head out,” he said.

Natasha nodded, but stepped towards him.  She knew it was a mistake, she knew it was the wrong thing to do, but she moved towards him none the less.  He had a hold over her that had always been so hard to fight.  Her hands moved to press against his chest and she could feel his heart as it hammered. Her gaze locked on her hands, her breath caught in her throat at the closeness.   _Not close enough_ .  It was never close enough with him.  She could still remember all those nights they all but clawed at each other as they tried and fill every space and gap, the way it felt to not even know where he ended and she began.  She was his, entirely, until her last breath and even though she had never given much thought to what came after that she knew she would love him even then.    
  
“ _Natasha…_ ” he breathed out, his hands moved to hers.  She looked up at him from under her lashes and it took everything in him not to lift her up, press her against the nearest accessible surface, tug her clothes off and remember _exactly_ what it felt like to lose himself completely in her.    
  
“Or you could stay,” she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.  She knew it was wrong, she knew it was asking more than he was willing to give right then.  But she _couldn’t help it_.  Her fingers curled around his shirt as she leaned up and he leaned down, their lips meeting halfway.  Chaste at first until Steve wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in closer.  He turned them and lifted her up onto the countertop in one fluid motion and she hooked her legs around his midsection, tugging him in closer.  Her hands moved to slip under his shirt, he let out a soft moan into her mouth as her fingers brushed against the bare flesh.  He slid a hand behind her neck and pulled her in close, his lips crushing against hers desperately.  

It was raw, heated, and Steve knew if he had any hope in hell of slowing things down it had to happen then or not at all.  He broke apart from her and let his forehead rest against hers as he laughed softly.  “What are we doing,” he asked rhetorically.  
  
Natasha’s hands stayed under his shirt, fingers pressed into the warm skin of his back and her legs still around his midsection.  “Making out in the kitchen,” she supplied as an answer and grinned teasingly.  She pressed her lips together for a moment before she spoke again.  “ _Stay,_ ” she all but begged.    
  
He moved his hands to cup her face, and the inner conflict at her request was more than evident on his face.  “I want to,” he got out, his voice choked with emotion and _need_ .  “God, I want to, Nat...” he added.    
  
Her lips pressed into a tight smile and she swallowed hard.  “But - “ she prompted.    
  
“Let’s do this right,” he started and pulled back a little to look at her.  A small smile tugged at his lips.  “Can I take you out for dinner tomorrow?”  
  
Natasha perked a brow, a small, coy, smile played on her lips.  “Are you asking me out” she teased lightly.  “Seems a little backwards since you’ve already seen me naked.”  
  
He laughed and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips before he answered.  “It might be, but I still am, so what do you say?”  
  
She shrugged a little and grinned.  “I say you’re adorable, Steve Rogers.” She curled her fingers into the front of his shirt again and pulled him in for a kiss.    
  
“Is that a yes?” he asked with a small laugh as they pulled apart.    
  
She hopped off the counter and lead him toward the door to the suite.  At the door she looped her arms around his waist loosely and smiled.  “Pick me up at 6:30, and you better not be late,” she answered.  

Steve nodded with a grin and leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek.  “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he assured her and left the suite.  As he walked down the hall he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.  He pulled it out and knew instantly from the text from Tony he would be more than late.    
  
_Hill’s got something for us.  Ten minutes._

______________________  


“Baron Wolfgang von Strucker,” Maria said as the file photo flashed up on the screen.  It was only her, Tony, and Steve around the table.  It was late and neither Tony or Steve felt it necessary to drag in the others just then.    
  
“He was SHIELD?” Steve asked as he read through the file on the tablet in his hands.  
  
“Yes,” Maria answered, her tone impassive.  It had been a hard road, coming back from realizing what had been going on in SHIELD right under her watch.  It was _still_ a hard road.  She found it easier to deal with it in facts, remove herself from the emotional toll of the situation.  “But his loyalty was to HYDRA.”  She paused and moved the display to the next slide - an aerial view of a  compound surrounded by forest.  “We know he has another base of operations but the location of that is still unknown.  However from the intelligence Tony pulled from the last mission we have reason to believe he spends time at this smaller base, and as of earlier today chatter we managed to pick up puts the two enhanced individuals you faced in the field here as well.”  
  
Steve gave a quick glance to Tony as Maria mentioned the pair, but if Tony was bothered by it, he was keeping it hidden.  Steve looked back to Maria.  “What do we have on the two?”  
  
Maria the display again and grainy photos of two individuals who appeared to be in their early twenties came up.  “Pietro and Wanda Maximoff,” Maria declared.   “Twins from Sokovia, from what we can tell orphaned for some years now and when Strucker came to the country asking for volunteers for his scientist, Dr. List, to run experiments on they signed up.”  
  
“Experiments for what?” Steve asked, although he was fairly certain he had a good idea the answer to that.  
  
“To find a better way to serve and protect their country,” Maria answered.  “Crazy if you ask me, letting some mad scientist experiment on you to…” she continued but quickly stopped as Steve raised his brows.    
  
“Open foot, insert mouth,” Tony added from where he leaned against the wall.  “So wonder twins over there let Strucker’s doctor mess with them and now they what - “  
  
Maria glanced to Tony.  “He’s fast, she’s weird.  Although from what you told me, Tony, I would be concerned about the weird.  If she can get into your head like that..”  she trailed off and changed the display again.  Blueprints showed on the screen.  
  
“So, let’s talk strategy,” she started.  “I think your best bet to get in once you’ve made it to the compound….”  
  
Steve listened to Maria but flipped his own display back to the image of the twins.  They were young, around the same age he had been when he had signed up for the serum.  But something in their eyes exuded an oldness, a pain that had settled in there and left them haunted.  And as he started at the face of the girl, Wanda, he couldn’t help but think about his own daughter.  The pain in Wanda’s eyes was one he never wanted to see in Alex’s.  The pain he himself knew too well of being orphaned.  
  
“Steve?” Maria asked and it pulled him from his thoughts.  He quickly compiled what she had said, the conversation he had been listening to even if his mind had wandered somewhat.  
  
He closed the tablet and looked between Maria and Tony.  “That all sounds good,” he agreed.  “I’ll contact the others and we’ll ship out in the morning.”  Steve picked up the tablet and headed out of the room.  He tucked the tablet under one arm to pull out his phone, he texted out a message to Natasha as he headed toward the elevator.

_About dinner tomorrow..._


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading <3

 

The rush into the compound was easier than any of them thought it would be - a fact that did not sit well with Steve. It had been almost  _ too _ easy and it put him more than a little on guard.  Sure there had been a fight, but it seemed if Strucker himself and his two assets were meant to be here, then there would be more bodies to protect them.  He glanced at Bucky to his side who only shrugged lightly.  They had moved into a lower level of the compound, Thor and Clint to the level above them which left Sam and Tony watching the sky.     
  
“You guys see anything up there?” he asked of the latter group.     
  
“Negative, Cap,” Tony’s reply came and Steve could tell from the tone that the lack of resistance bothered the other man as well.     
  
“So we’re all on the same page that this seems fishy as all hell, right?” Clint cut through on the channel.    
  
“It’s a trap,” Tony exclaimed, and he immediately regretted the reference.     
  
“Not helping,” Sam deadpanned.  “I got it up here, Cap, if Admiral Ackbar wants to go poke around the computer system.”   
  
Steve nodded, despite knowing they wouldn’t see it and gave another glance around the area he and Bucky had stopped in.  “Stark move into the compound, head to the third floor.  Clint and Thor head up to meet him.  Sam maintain your position.  Everyone stay alert, just because there’s not an army here doesn’t mean this still can’t go wrong and we’ve yet to get eyes on the two assets.”   
  
Bucky watched as Steve gave the orders.  “And us?” he asked once Steve had finished.   
  
Steve flexed his hand in his glove and adjusted his shield.  “We go looking for the Maximoffs,” he declared.  He could see the small glimmer of worry as it passed over Bucky’s features at that and he moved a hand to rest on his friend’s shoulder.  He knew where Bucky’s worries lied, the idea of someone being able to manipulate his mind.  It wouldn’t sit well with most people, but for Bucky there was a lot more at work.  “We got this,” he assured Bucky and offered his friend a tight smile.     
  
Bucky nodded.  “Let’s go then,” he said and followed Steve out of the area they had stopped in.     
  
Tony blasted at a window on the third floor as he flew toward the compound.  as his feet touched solid ground he hit the button on the side of his helmet to retract that part of his suit.  “On the third level,” he let the others know as he moved more into the compound. He headed to the room Maria had mentioned would have the best access to the compound’s server, all the while on alert for any hostiles.

“Alright, let's see what you got,” he muttered as he came into the room. He walked out of the suit casing and moved to the computer. A USB device was procured from his pocket and Tony slid it into the first port he saw, effectively taking control of the compound’s system a few moments later. “And we're in…”

Bucky and Steve moved through the lower level, both on guard as they kept their movements slow and stealthy. They approached a door and Steve signaled for Bucky to check the room out before he kept heading down the hall.  Steve kicked in the next door he found and entered a lab.  Like much of the rest of the compound it was unguarded, but did not necessarily look  _ abandoned. _  The unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach only grew and his jaw clenched in frustration.  He took a quick walk through the area, there were computers but he didn’t bother with them as he knew Tony would be able to access them from the main server.  Despite the lack of people currently, it was clear the lab was well used the rest of the time.  

“Nothing,” he called back to Bucky as he started to move out of the lab, but a sudden force shoved him back. His back hit the wall and he scrambled to keep footing.  There was a  _ whoosh _ as the air around him moved, but a blur was all that he could really see, and before he could catch up he felt something -  _ someone  _ \- tug at the shield and pull it off the magnets that held it to his arm.     
  
The blur that Steve recognized as Pietro as he came into focus, held the shield in his hand and gave Steve a dismissive look.  “Mind if I keep this?” he asked, though his tone indicated it wasn’t  _ really _ a question.     
  
“I might have a problem with it,” Steve deadpanned back and moved to rush Pietro, but he was nowhere  _ near _ quick enough.  He found himself forced back as his own shield was shoved into his chest -  _ hard _ \- and then collided against the side of his face.  Steve groaned at the pain, staggered, and lifted his fists up.  He waited for Pietro to attack again, but the attack never came.  Cautiously Steve moved toward the exit of the lab, sticking to the edge of the room in order to hopefully keep from being slammed back against the wall again.  He rounded the doorway and came face to face with the other asset, Wanda.  The last thing Steve saw was a flash of red in her eyes as she raised her hand.  A twisted swirl of fog and then the world as he knew it disappeared.  

“One down,” Wanda breathed out and looked to her brother as he materialized beside her.  “You’re not really keeping that, are you?” she asked, a brow raised as she took in the shield in his hand.     
  
Pietro shrugged.  “Why, does it not suit me?” he asked with a playful grin as he posed with it. He scooped Wanda up, still with the shield in hand and moved them quickly in the direction of Bucky.   
  


_____________________________

  
_ “Daddy!” Alex’s voice cried out.  _ __   
_   
_ __ Steve struggled to get his bearings, he could feel a weight on top of him and realized he had woken up under a heap of bodies, a suffocating mass of dead weight.  The sound of gunfire and other shouts and screams assaulted his senses. Sounds he was familiar with, sounds that had haunted his dreams since he’d first stepped out onto the battlefield all those years ago.  

_ “Daddy!” came the cry again.  Faint over the other noises, but he was attuned to the sound of her voice and picked it out in an instant.  _ __   
_   
_ __ Steve struggled to climb from under the weight of the bodies he had found himself under, desperate to go to where he had hear the cry come from.  As he stood he saw nothing but carnage in front of him.  The night sky clouded with the smoke of artillery, the air heavy with the chaos of a battlefield.  The overbearing stench of blood and death hung in the air and he found himself coughing as he tried to catch a full breath once he had freed himself.  

_ Alex!” he yelled desperately.   _ __   
__   
_ “Rogers!” came a reply as a soldier ran up to him.  “We’re getting hammered out here, get your ass in gear,” the man ordered.  “Christ, you ain’t even armed, Cap,” he added and thrusted a gun into Steve’s hands.   _ __   
__   
_ “No - I have to - “ Steve started to protest but he couldn’t work through the cloud in his mind to remember  _ **_why_ ** _ he was protesting. _ __   
__   
_ “Daddy!” came the cry again.  _ __   
__   
_ “Alex..” he said softly.  He turned to the direction the sound came from, only to find himself surrounded by enemy forces.  He fought through the onslaught, ducked the blows and the grenades that whistled by his head.  Everything felt slow somehow, sluggish, and he  _ **_knew_ ** _ he had to get to Alex - but it felt like trying to walk through quicksand as the constant barrage kept him at bay.  Men in nazi uniforms, men in allied uniforms, SHIELD stealth suits, forces he recognized as HYDRA, the reptilian bodies of the Chitauri.  It all bled together, forming an impenetrable mass as far as he could see. _ __   
__   
__ “Alex!” he screamed as he tried to fight his way through.  Bodies fell all around him, twisted and broken, and so much blood.    
  
_ “Steve!” came another voice.  Natasha’s voice.  And his eyes darted in its direction, up and to the left where she had started to clear a path for them.  The red of her hair looked like a fire in the dark landscape as it whipped around her face as she fought her way through.  He used it as a beacon as he struggled to follow after her.  She cleared their path in front of them, but as the crowd merged back together behind him he found himself struggling to not get pulled back in. _ __   
__   
_ It felt like forever but they finally emerged in a clearing.  A house was just up in front of them, bright with all the lights on in the dark of the night.  “Where are we?” he asked as he and Natasha moved toward the structure.  He paused at the little white picket fence that ran along the front of the property and took a moment to look over the Colonial style house.  It was beautiful.  The large shuttered windows, the symmetry of the structure - and his heart pounded as he saw Alex where she peered out of the window.   _ __   
__   
_ “Home,” Natasha answered and moved to the door with Steve not far behind.  She opened the door and as she stepped across the threshold her image changed.  Gone was her fight suit, a pair of jeans and sweater in lieu.  Her hair in soft curls down her neck, pinned gently away from her face.  Alex ran into her arms and she looked back to Steve expectantly.   _ __   
__   
_ His heart soared at the sight.  He walked the rest of the way up the front porch and went to walk through the door.  Except he found himself unable to.  Like there was an invisible force in the doorway that prevented him from joining his family.  “No, no.. no…” he muttered as he kept trying to force his way into the foyer.   _ __   
__   
_ Alex watched from her mother’s arms, her expression sad and defeated.  Natasha turned to face Steve.  She moved toward the door and let a hand curl around the edge of it. _ __   
__   
_ “Natasha…” Steve started and tried again to enter.  “I can’t - “ he let out, his voice a broken whisper. _ __   
__   
_ “Look at you,” she said, her voice uncharacteristically cold.  “God's righteous man, pretending you could live without a war.”  She shut the door as Steve stared up at her. _ __   
__   
_ “No!  NATASHA! ALEX!” he screamed and beat his fists on the door, but it was to no avail.  He could hear the incoming gunfire and commotion again.  “ALEX!” he cried once more as the house faded and the battle swallowed him up. _ __   


A hard slap across his face broke him from the vision and Steve reacted quickly, his hand going to grab the figure above him.     
  
“Hey! Hey, Steve, it’s just me,” the figure said and Steve’s eyes blinked a few times in rapid succession to focus in on Clint.     
  
“What the..” Steve mumbled and with Clint and Thor’s help he made it up to his feet from the crumpled heap he had been on the floor.  “Bucky?” he asked quickly once he was upright and glanced between Thor and Clint.  The latter of which nodded out the door to where Bucky was unconscious in a heap in the hall, an arrow that Steve recognized as one of Clint’s shock equipped ones on the ground.   
  
“He was…” Clint trailed off and shrugged.  It was then that Steve noticed the start of a rather large bruise along the side of Clint’s face.  “He didn’t leave much choice,” Clint added and Steve nodded.  Steve knew how much Bucky had come to mean to Clint, he knew the other man would only have done what he  _ had _ to do.  The remnants of his own little vision weighed heavily on Steve and he could only imagine the kind of damage someone like Wanda could have done Bucky.  The guilt that it had even happened in the first place was a kick while he was already down.  Hadn’t he, after all, assured Bucky it would be fine.     
  
“The assets?” Steve asked, moving the conversation.     
  
“No trace of them,” Thor replied as he walked through the lab.  “Your shield?”  he questioned Steve, he had been certain he would have found it somewhere in the lab.   
  
Steve shook his head.  “That asshole took it,” he said, not without a tone of bitterness.  He moved to where Bucky was and kneeled down in front of him to check on his friend.   
  
“Hey guys…” Tony’s worried voice broke through on the comms.  “I hate to break up the party, but we have a situation.”    
  
Steve stood back up as he replied, “what kind of situation?”

Tony stared at the file he had found in the compound’s system.  Pages upon pages of information, photos, records from his own damn lab that chilled him to the bone.  Anything and everything Strucker could have possibly found from the smallest internet speculation once the photos from the Zoo had gone public down to information he would have had to have been deep into Tony’s own computer systems to find.  All of it pointed to one gut wrenching conclusion.  “We weren’t the targets,” he answered Steve.    
  
Steve’s stomach dropped at the words and his eyes snapped from Thor to Clint.  The panic was evident in his eyes and it did more to worry Clint than Tony’s words.  Steve was usually so good at maintaining a calm, even in the dead heat of a battle.  But then things were different now, Clint knew that better than anyone.  What being a father did, how it changed  _ everything. _  Clint moved toward their Captain and rested a hand on his shoulder.  “We’ll get the sons of bitches,” he assured Steve and nodded to Bucky.  “Let’s get him up and moving.”   
  
“JARVIS, I’m gonna need a report on the Tower!” Tony called in the computer room as he pulled his drive from the machine.  He stepped into his suit and frowned when no reply came.  “J?” he repeated and started to try to connect to the Tower’s systems manually from his suit to no avail.  Panic tore through him.  Worry for Pepper, the  _ baby _ , Alex… Here they were, chasing a dead lead and Strucker was storming the Tower, the Tower that he currently couldn’t make contact with.  
  
“Stark, what’s going on?” Steve questioned warily as he and Thor dragged Bucky through the compound, Clint ahead of them.   
  
“I can’t get in contact with the Tower, something's blocking my connection,” Tony answered, the panic and worry clear in his voice. 

Steve didn't blame Tony for his worry, not in the least. His own mind was a jumbled mess of terrible worst case scenarios and fear for what it might mean for his daughter and Natasha. He knew Tony was lost to the same, thinking about Pepper and the baby.  Something else pulled at him though, anger -  _ rage _ \- like he had never known at the idea of Strucker going after his daughter.   _ So much  _ anger that he could barely see straight and he was only barely able to push himself past it. 

“Natasha's with them,” he said - both to attempt to quell some of Tony's worry, and his own. He knew there wasn't much Natasha couldn't handle, he just had to keep reminding himself of that.  Just like he would do whatever it took to keep Alex safe, so would Natasha  - and Steve knew that would extend to Pepper as well.  “Let's get to the jet and get back to the Tower.”

_____________________________  
  


“Are you alright?” Pietro asked once he and Wanda had put a respectable distance between themselves and the Avengers. His tone was soft, worried really after her reaction to Barnes. Even now his sister seemed shaken, lost to memories and emotions that Pietro doubted even were her own. He had placed her down on a fallen log in the woods that surrounded the compound, his hands on her shoulders as he looked her over.  She remained silent, her thin form shook and Pietro could only feel his worry grow.

“Wanda… what  _ happened? _ ” he asked.  He moved a hand to cup her face gently, with hopes the contact would pull her from whatever she had found herself lost in. He hated when she got like this, lost to the point he would sometimes wonder if even he could get through to her. 

“They broke him,”  she replied quietly.  “Over and over and over again.  They  _ broke _ him…” she repeated a sob escaping her lips.  Her eyes were steeled forward and she was aware of her brother’s hand on her face but she could not look at him.  Barnes’ memories danced along the edges of her mind. Awful, terrible, things that had her questioning all she thought she knew.    
  
“ _ Wanda… _ ” he said softly.   
  
“They ripped out who he was, everything he held dear… and put someone else in….” she continued.  Her voice sounded far away, even to her own ears. Finally her gaze settled on her brother.  “They will do it to her too,” she declared.  She could see it now.  What Strucker would allow to happen to the child.  

Aleksandra was not like her and her brother were.  She had a family, a home.  Strucker would not be able to buy her compliance with promises of revenge, she sought none.  Wanda could feel the bile rise in her throat.  The guilt, the shame, the  _ pain _ she had felt from Barnes so vivid still.  It mixed with her own guilt of knowing what she herself had just been a part of. With Pietro’s help she rose to her feet and steadied herself.  Her arms wrapped around her midsection she looked up as she heard the sound of the Avengers’ jet take to the air.  

“We can’t let him have her,” she said as she turned back to look at Pietro.

  
Pietro shook his head.  “You do not know what you’re asking,”  he replied.  They couldn’t go against Strucker. Not after everything he had done for them.  And they themselves had only been a small part of the plan, for all they knew Strucker already had the child.   
  
“She’s a  _ child _ , Pietro,” Wanda exclaimed as her eyes narrowed at him.   
  
“So were we!” he snapped back.  He moved closer to Wanda and took her hands in his.  He paused for a moment to calm the temper that had flared at his earlier words.  “We have a chance to find vengeance for our family,” he implored, “this is what we wanted.”  It was what had drove them to volunteer for Strucker in the first place, the thing that had kept them going through the experiments and the pain and uncertainty they caused.  It was what had ensured they were still standing when so many of the other volunteers were not.     
  
“Vegnance at what cost?” Wanda voiced.  “If we let Strucker do this, rip that girl from her family, do to her what was done to Barnes - are we no better than Stark?” she questioned.  She kept her brother’s gaze, her eyes begging him to see her side.   
  
Pietro dropped Wanda’s hands and turned away from her as he debated the words.  For so long they had been consumed by the rage of what had happened to their family, tortured by the memories of that fateful day.   _ Are we no better than Stark. _  The words weighed heavily on him, as did the shift he could feel in his sister’s resolve.  No longer to help Strucker, but to  _ stop _ him.  Finally he turned back to look at his sister and offered her a tight smile.  “Let us be better then,” he declared as the smile turned to a smirk.  “I hope you have a plan,” he added.   
  
Wanda smiled at him and nodded.  “I think I have a few ideas,” she assured him.   
  


_____________________________

 

The living quarters of the Tower had seemed so quiet with Tony, Steve, and Bucky gone. Pepper had come over for dinner and a visit and Natasha had just been putting the last of the leftovers in the fridge when JARVIS had alerted them to strange activity on the floor below. Natasha's panic had been momentary at most before her well honed instincts had kicked in. She couldn't protect Alex, or Pepper, in a panic. The Tower was one of the more secure buildings in the world, but that still didn't mean impenetrable. And barely a minute after Natasha had armed herself, three armed men burst through the door of her suite. 

“Down! Down!” Natasha ordered to Alex and Pepper as she kicked over the kitchen table for cover. Alex screamed as the sound of bullets cut through the air and Natasha shot Pepper a grateful look as the other woman pulled Alex into her arms as Natasha peered up and over the table. Three shots rang out and the men toppled to the ground. 

Natasha stood up slowly, but signaled for Pepper and Alex to stay where they were. Another two shots rung out as Natasha fell two more intruders. “Let's go,” she said and grabbed Alex’s hand. Natasha paused at the closet in the entrance and reached up to the top shelf. She stuffed a few magazines from the stash of ammunition into her back pockets.

She kneeled before Alex and cupped her face tightly, forcing Alex’s gaze from behind them to where they had left five bodies on the floor. “Aleksandra... Malyshka… look at me…” Natasha nodded when Alex’s eyes slanted her way.  “You stay close, okay?  Just like we talked about, no matter how scary it gets, no matter how loud, I  _ will  _ get you out,  _ I promise _ ,” Natasha watched her daughter closely, making sure Alex’s eyes were on her lips, that the words were getting though. They had talked about situations like this before, but Natasha knew reality was always different than the hypothetical.  There was fear clear as day on Alex’s face and it  _ killed _ Natasha.  Natasha had always known there was constantly the possibility of Alex finding herself exactly where they were - in the middle of a fight - but she had just hoped it would never have come to that.  

Alex nodded solemnly and Natasha could see the fear start to be replaced with something else.  Determination, faith in the words her mother had spoken. “Mama,” she said, her eyes suddenly wide as the thought came to her and she tugged on Natasha’s shirt. “Mama we can't leave Molly,” she said, a sniff as she tried to keep herself from getting too upset. 

“Shit…” Natasha hissed and her head dropped down for a second. She'd forgotten about the damn dog. She reached for Molly’s leash in the closet. “Molly!” she whisper yelled. The dog came running and Natasha grabbed her around the neck to clip the leash on. She looked to Pepper.  “Can you hang onto the dog?”

Pepper nodded and laced the leash around her wrist as Natasha fished her keys from a bowl on a small table beside the door. Her heart pounded in her chest but she knew they could do this. They  _ had  _ to do this. There was too much at stake.  The two women shared a nod.  Natasha had long since know Pepper was made of tough stuff - one had to be to not only deal with Tony, but put him in his place as well, on a near daily basis - but there was almost something  _ more _ in that moment. A determination in her eyes that Natasha recognized as the determination she’d seen so often in her own since Alex. 

Natasha glanced between Pepper and Alex again.  “We’ve got 600 yards until the elevator, you stay close and if I yell get down, you get down,” she instructed as she looked between the two, “we get into the parking garage and head to our car,” she looked to Alex at that and then to Pepper to give a colour and model, “the silver Audi Q7.  Alex we head to the side you always get in on, Pepper I’ll throw you the keys and you start us up while I get Alex buckled in, then slide into the passenger seat so I can drive us out.”  She paused and watched their expressions to make sure the instructions had been understood.  

“Ready?”  Once they both nodded, she took Alex’s hand and held her daughter behind her as she led them out into the hall.  

Natasha’s head snapped in both directions and not seeing anyone she raced them toward the elevators at the end of the hall.  The elevator doors opened as they came up to them, and Natasha pulled Alex behind her and shouted “down!”  She took aim at the armed group in the elevator. They exchanged fire, shots ringing out in the hall and bullets lodging into the wall.  She pushed forward, Alex and Pepper ducked behind her, toward the doorway into the stairwell.  

Natasha all but shoved Pepper and Alex into the stairwell as the chaos rang out around them. She did a quick survey to make sure their immediate area was clear before she scooped up Alex. “Let's go.”

Pepper started after them. “You can't really expect us to run down seventy flights of stairs,” she pointed out as their frantic footsteps echoed in the stairwell. 

“JARVIS?” Natasha called out.  “Where's the next clear floor?”

“Eight down from your current position, Miss Romanoff,” came the reply. “Shall I send ahead some of Mr. Stark’s drones to start clearing the parking garage for you?”

“That'd be great, J,” Natasha replied as they worked their way down the stairs. As she hit the landing of the next floor she could see the door start to open. In one fluid motion she set Alex down and then kicked the door hard, a mangled scream from behind it as the man's arm was crushed. Natasha gripped the edge of the door and gave it another good slam on the arm before it was pulled back. She shot at the other intruders who started to rush the door, blowing out kneecaps where she could to slow them down. 

Natasha quickly reloaded as she kicked the door shut and then picked Alex up again. The trio, and Molly, clattered down to the floor JARVIS had indicated. Natasha quickly scoped it out and then motioned for the others to follow. The elevator was open and waiting for them and they ducked into it quickly. 

Alex clung to her mother's leg as the elevator took them down, and as much as Natasha wanted nothing more than to hold Alex close and let her fall apart she knew she couldn't. They weren't out of the woods yet, and Alex was being strong for the moment. Or at least as strong as one could expect a child to be in the situation, and she didn’t want to disturb that.  Natasha chanced a quick glance down at her daughter. Alex’s eyes were hard with determination and her chin jutted out in just such a way that remind Natasha so much of Steve. 

The elevator dinged as they hit the parking garage. Natasha checked her gun and gave a quick look to Pepper.  As the doors opened they could see Tony's drones fighting the large group that had amassed, but it would still be one hell of a run to the car. She gripped Alex’s hand and with a deep breath she started off to the SUV.

“Watch your fire - don't hit the package!” Natasha heard someone shout.   _ Package _ .  And with that one exclamation all her greatest fears were true.  They were there for Aleksandra.  Suddenly the whole thing came into focus.  The intel Steve and the others had followed was false -  planted - for no other reason than to remove them from the Tower.  Strucker had sent his forces  _ here. _  But Strucker had also made one fatal mistake - he’d underestimated the person left behind.  He’d underestimated the lengths she would go to ensure her daughter’s safety.

She didn't have long to dwell on it before she saw two of the hostiles rush at them from the side. Natasha let go of Alex’s hand and jumped at the closest man. She used his instinct to grab her to balance herself out and shove her feet into his partner’s chest, toppling the man to the ground.  She then used the momentum to swing around and bring the man who had grabbed her down before she planted her heel into his windpipe.  “Get behind the car,” she ordered to Pepper and Alex.     
  
Natasha exchanged fire the forces that were between them and the car they  _ needed _ to get to.  When she could she signaled for Pepper and Alex to follow her as they made their way through the garage.  Men shouted back and forth and Natasha could hear one voice that cleared through the din more than the others.  Her eyes narrowed to a man in the far end of the garage that she recognized as Strucker from the file she had looked at before Steve had left.  She trained her gun at him and let off a few rounds.  The conditions weren’t ideal, he was too far and at a bad angle, but she saw one shot clip him in the face before he fell with his hand pressed to his shoulder as another bullet hit him.    
  
It did well to distract his men though at the very least, and in the confusion of their leader being hit, Natasha could make it to her SUV with Alex and Pepper.  She hit the button to unlock and handed the keys to Pepper before she lifted Alex into the backseat.  She could hear the keys rattle and a few choice words from Pepper as she worked on buckling Alex into her car seat.  “Pepper,” she started, her voice strong but sympathetic.  “You got this,” she assured the other woman and as she finished the last of the buckles she could hear the SUV roar to life.   
  
Natasha quickly ran to the driver’s side and slid in as Pepper scooted into the passenger seat.  Tires squealed as Natasha steered toward the exit.  “Heads down!” she yelled at her passengers and she maneuvered through Strucker’s men.  The car bounced as she clipped a few with the front of it and the sound of bullets hitting the side sounded like thunder.  But she managed to get out of the parking garage without losing a tire, or worse.     
  
Once on the road she darted in and out of lanes quickly, the sound of horns honking following them.  Her eyes glanced to the mirrors frequently as she worked on losing the few vehicles that followed them from the Tower.  It wasn’t until she was absolutely certain that she had lost the last of them that she let her speed come down to a more acceptable level as she kept .  It was then that her and Pepper seemed to let go of a collective breath they had been holding.  And then that she started to hear the sniffles from the backseat.     
  
She had sped through most of the city and they were well into more suburban areas so it was easy for Natasha to pull over without too much fuss.  “Can you drive?” she asked Pepper and when Pepper nodded the two women exited the car.  Pepper moved to the driver’s side and Natasha slipped into the backseat with Alex, shooing the dog into the back.     
  
Pepper pulled them back onto the road as Natasha settled beside Alex. “Hey, baby,” Natasha started as she tucked Alex’s hair out of her face. She frowned at her daughter's breath, in ragged little gasps as the weight of what just happened started to rear its ugly head. Natasha's heart  _ ached _ for her daughter. “It's over, you're safe, okay, you're safe…” she repeated the words as her hands threaded through Alex’s hair.  

But Alex didn't seem to respond. Lost in her own fear. Natasha knew then what she needed to do. “Alex, baby, I need you to listen carefully,” she started. “Eyes,” Natasha said, her voice strong and confident in the word. “Can you look at me, Malyshka?”

Natasha waited until Alex lifted her eyes to hers and she nodded. “Good girl,” she praised. “Hands,” she continued. She reached for one of Alex’s hands and placed it on her own still on the side of her daughter's face. Natasha placed her other hand on Alex’s face and Alex put her hand on top. Natasha smiled gently. “Good, good,” she said. “Breathe,” she added and then made a show of inhaling and exhaling deeply. She repeated the move with Alex a few times until Alex started to calm down.   
  
Natasha smiled softly and pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s forehead. “Good, that's good,” she repeated. “Better?” she asked and Alex nodded.  She was about to say something else but was distracted by a buzz in her back pocket. She'd been so focused on getting everyone out safely she'd almost forgotten she even had to it on her. She was sure her face more than showed the relief when Steve's number came across the call display. 

“Hey,” she breathed out when she answered.  There was a pause and she could feel the panic start to rise. “Steve?”

Halfway across the world he held the phone in his hand, pressed to his ear like a lifeline. Fingers pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried his damndest to keep himself in check. Whatever looks the rest of the team might have been giving him were the least of his concern as he heard her voice ring through the speaker and his whole world narrowed down to  _ Natasha _ . He sunk into a seat, overcome with the relief the sound of her voice was, overcome with the fear and panic he had felt up to that moment.  His head spun and he found himself unable to answer.

“Yeah… yeah… I'm here...” he got out after a moment, his voice rough with emotion. “Are you…”

Natasha swallowed hard against a lump that had formed in her throat. “I'm fine -” a short pause. “ _ We’re _ fine,” she clarified. 

Steve nodded on his end, and he had to remind himself to loosen his grip on the phone, the last thing he needed was to break it. “I'm sorry,” he blurted out. “I shouldn't have left… I should have realized what Strucker was playing at…”

Natasha winced at the words, at the heavy guilt in Steve's tone. “Don't. Steve, this isn't your fault, you couldn't have known,” she assured him. “We’re fine,” she repeated. “Aren't we?” she asked as she looked down at Alex and moved the phone so she could talk and hear. 

“Daddy?” she asked. 

While he had felt immeasurable relief at the sound of Natasha's voice, it was indescribable what he felt at his daughter's. He had to pause again, floored by the emotions that hit him. “Hey, Alex. You and Mommy okay?” he asked. 

“Uh-huh,” Alex replied. “And Molly and Auntie Pepper too,” she elaborated. 

Steve smiled a little to himself. “Good, good.  Uncle Tony will be glad to hear that,” he answered her.

“Daddy…” Alex started, her voice going quieter.

“Yeah?” Steve prompted her. 

“I forgot the special necklace you gave me,” she said, her voice small.

Steve pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose again as he realized Alex most likely thought they wouldn't go home again.  He breathed out slowly to collect himself before he answered. He could see Tony and Clint talking, Tony glancing his way every other second, clearly anxious to talk to Pepper. “It's okay, baby,” he assured her, “you'll be home soon.”

Clint moved toward Steve and gently nudged his shoulder. Steve looked up. “Tell Nat to go to the house,” Clint said. Steve raised a brow, a silent  _ you sure _ to which Clint nodded. 

“Alex I'm going to see you real soon, I promise. Can you put Mom back on the phone?” Steve asked.

“Okay,” Alex answered before she handed the phone back to her mother. 

“Clint said to go to the house,” Steve instructed once Natasha was back on the phone. 

“Is he sure?” Natasha checked. She knew that the cat was out of the bag when it came to Laura and the kids, but dragging them right into the middle of a situation was a bit different than bringing them to a birthday party. 

“I don't think we have many other options,” Steve pointed out. 

“Okay,” Natasha agreed. “We're about three hours out.”

Steve nodded. “About the same here,” he let her know. He glanced up as Tony all but snapped his fingers in front of his face to get his attention. “I'll see you two soon,” he said.  “Can you put Pepper on?  Tony's about two seconds away from snapping the phone out of my hand,” he added with an attempt at a laugh that fell more than a little short. He didn't want to give up the phone, his one link to Natasha and their daughter at the moment, but he also knew he couldn't deny Tony the same connection. 

Natasha told Pepper to pull over and they quickly moved seats. Feeling better now that there was a plan in motion - and knowing Steve was fine and headed the same way - Natasha pulled back onto the road. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so there's some smut in this chapter, just a heads up. Because I am trash. Such trash. 
> 
> Also I still don't have a definite chapter count because I'm not sure exactly where a few things will want to break into chapters, but expect about 3/4 more after this :)
> 
> And thank you so much everyone for reading <3

It's not that late when they pulled up to the Barton homestead, but it was enough past Alex’s bedtime that she's fast asleep in the car and barely stirred as Natasha brought her inside. They beat Steve and the others and the house is fairly quiet as they walked in. Lila asleep upstairs, Cooper in the living room on the couch and Laura greeted them as they came into the house.  “The bed’s made up in Lila’s room,” Laura said and nodded for Natasha to head up the stairs as she led Pepper toward the kitchen.  Natasha carried Alex up and nudged the door to Lila’s room open with her hip.  Alex stirred a few times, but not enough to fully wake, as Natasha laid her down onto the extra bed in Lila’s room.  She moved to the dresser and dug out a pair of Lila’s pyjamas for Alex.  The set was a bit big and Natasha rolled the hem of the legs.    
  
She stayed in her spot on the edge of the bed for a moment.  Her hand moved to brush hair out of Alex’s face and then lingered on her forehead.  The adrenaline of the day was fading, and fading quick.  Replaced with the sobering reality of _how close_ she had been to losing her daughter.  What had been a nagging thought now screamed in her mind.  She bit her lower lip hard against the sob that threatened to escape, the breakdown that tugged at her.

Natasha had been scared before. She'd even been what she would qualify as terrified. But it didn't _touch_ the moment she'd heard her daughter referred to as _the package._ She had always known someone would come for Alex eventually, always knew that someone would see her as leverage or collateral. Or worse. That someone would look at Alex and see _potential_. In the way her handlers at the Red Room had looked at orphaned girls and saw potential.  Aleksandra was Captain America’s daughter with the serum and all it had given Steve flowing through her veins.  A serum she knew some had never given up hope of replicating. And what lengths some of those people would go to to get their hands on a living sample terrified Natasha.   

Natasha watched Alex as the panic started to ebb, as she worked her way out of the fear and worry.  At least enough out of it to go downstairs and pretend like she was fine.  She gave one last brush of her hand across her daughter’s face and then headed down the stairs.  “They're still asleep,” Natasha told Laura as she walked back into the kitchen.

Laura nodded and looked over at Cooper in the living room watching a movie. “You're going to bed as soon as Dad gets home, Coop” she let him know.

Natasha went into the freezer and dug out the bottle of vodka she knew Clint had stashed away. Laura, knowing exactly what Natasha was going for when she opened the freezer, grabbed her a glass from the cupboard. “Pepper?” Laura asked, one glass in hand and poised to reach for another, as Natasha walked over with the bottle.

“Pepper can’t, she’s pregnant,” Natasha answered for the other woman and twisted the cap off the bottle.

“How did you…” Pepper said as she looked at Natasha with wide eyes.

Natasha shrugged, poured herself a mouthful of vodka and drank it before she answered as she filled the glass again.  She wasn’t aiming to get sloshed, but her nerves were wrecked and she knew a few shots would help to settle them. “Know?  I didn't,” she said with a smirk. “I had my suspicions but I didn't know for sure until now.”  She smiled at Pepper's expression at that. “Congratulations, Pepper,” Natasha said sincerely.

“How are you feeling?” Laura asked, her hands resting on her own protruding belly.

“Like I'm going to be sick ninety five percent of the day,” Pepper started as she leaned against the counter.  It felt nice to have the other two women know, nice to be able to talk about it to someone other than Tony or her doctor.  “Excited… terrified…” she admitted with a sheepish smile.  “And I cried last night at preview for some movie about talking cats…”

Laura and Natasha laughed at that. “Yeah, that's about right,” Laura assured Pepper and laid a hand on her shoulders. “I’d love to say it gets easier but most of that doesn’t stop once they’re out,” she said gently, a fact to which Natasha nodded her agreement.  “I'll put the kettle on,” Laura said and started moving about the kitchen to do just that.

“I don't know how you two do it,” Pepper admitted once they were all at the table with their cups of tea. “How do you raise children in this life and not go completely insane.”

Laura and Natasha shared a glance. “She thinks we're sane,” Laura deadpanned with a small smirk to Natasha.

“Clearly she doesn’t know us at all,” Natasha teased.

Laura looked at her hands around her mug as she debated the question.  It was a question she was sure most would ask her it if they knew who she was married to, what her living situation was _really_ like.  It was one she herself had debated so often throughout the years.  One that had plagued her more in those early years - when it was just a tiny, screaming, Cooper and she found herself wondering _what the hell did I just do._   

“I think raising a child in _any_ life is a sanity trying endeavor,” Laura pointed out.  After all there were countless people ready to judge your every move as a mother, countless dangers out there for a child that one really started to wonder how _anyone_ made it to adulthood alive and healthy.  A mother’s mind was well wired to instill guilt at every turn, worry and fear at the littlest thing and constant self doubt at what felt like every turn.  Even without the added stress of her husband’s “job” it was enough to try her most days.  

“Is it harder when your husband is an Avenger?  Of course.”  She reached a hand across the table to rest on Pepper’s and gave her a reassuring smile.  “But I know the world is a safer place for my children because their Dad makes it a safer place.  Just like Tony will make the world the safest possible place he can for your child.”

Natasha knew that Laura was speaking to Pepper, but she couldn’t help but feel in some way that the words were meant for her as well.  Which wouldn’t surprise her in the least - Laura had had a way of doing just that since the day Natasha met her.  When Laura, all of twenty nine years old, stared down all of nineteen year old Natasha who had been deemed too dangerous to live, handed her a shot of vodka and said welcome to the family.  And just like she had done since those first days, Natasha _listened_ .  To the words between the words, the assurance from Laura that Steve was doing _exactly_ what he was supposed to be doing by being both Captain America and a father.  And more so that Natasha wouldn’t be doing wrong by going back to _her_ life as an Avenger if that was what she chose to do.  Natasha just wasn’t sure if that was what she wanted.

There was a clatter as the men started to file into the house and it broke the moment between the three women. “Dad!” they heard Cooper exclaim as he rushed over to Clint. Laura was slow to get up with her belly and they moved into the foyer of the house. Tony immediately went over to Pepper and the pair made their way into the next room. Clint was talking quiet with Cooper and then shooed him up the stairs to bed a few moments later.  Natasha spotted Bucky and Steve near the door. Bucky leaned heavily on the door frame while he talked lowly with Steve.

Natasha's heart immediately sank as she took them in. They didn't look hurt, but the slouch in their postures, the tight expressions - they looked positively _wrecked._  Natasha stopped a few feet back from the pair. Bucky's gaze lifted and caught hers. She gave him a sympathetic smile. She wasn't sure _exactly_ what had happened - but it was clear it hadn't been good. But it was a short lived moment as, having greeted her husband, Laura moved to Bucky and Natasha watched as she talked quietly with him and Steve.  It tugged at Natasha to see Laura with Bucky, the gentle hand on Bucky’s metal arm without hesitation.  The way Laura looked at him just like she used to look at Natasha, free of judgement and nothing but concern.  Natasha had always claimed Clint the one to save her, but that was really just to keep his family a secret.  It has been Laura through and through in those early days.  Laura who had found a real girl in the fractured mess the Red Room had made her.

Laura and Bucky slipped back out the front door, Clint motioned for Thor and Sam to move further into the house with him, and Natasha realized that she and Steve were alone then. There was a long moment of silence as they stared at each other. Natasha was the first to move. Three steps before two of Steve's big ones had him close enough that she could wrap her arms around him. He all but _collapsed_ into her and they stumbled a little as they shifted their footing.  She held under the sudden weight though and tightened her arms.  She could smell the fight on him, the lingering smell of dried sweat, dirt and blood.  More than that she could _feel_ it on him, and she was sure he could feel the same on her as they clung to each other in the foyer.     
  
“Hey, it's okay,” she said softly. She could feel his body shake slightly and she’s desperate to ask what the hell happened, but she knows better than to push right then.  Slowly she untangled herself from him and laced her fingers through his hand.  They’re quiet as she leads him up the stairs and once there she paused before she tugged him toward Lila’s room.  She knows Alex is - hopefully - still asleep but also knows Steve would want to see her none the less.  She opened the door softly, light from the hall spilled into the room and illuminated the two girls.     
  
Steve’s footsteps were light as he moved into the room, careful to not disturb either girl.  He sunk down to his knees in front of the bed Alex slept on.  Natasha watched as his posture sagged, as he looked weighed down by some unseen force.  He reached a hand toward Alex’s face, but hesitated and pressed his hand against his eyes instead.   _God's righteous man, pretending you could live without a war._  The words the Natasha in his vision spoke danced through his mind, the feeling that had been so _vivid_ when he’d been unable to enter the house washed over him.  He didn’t belong.  The life he so desperately _wanted_ now that he’d had a taste of it was not the life he was _supposed_ to have.  He wasn’t worthy of his daughter’s love and affection, he wasn’t worthy of his place in her life when in the end all he would do would let her down.  Being Captain America’s daughter meant being a target, and he’d been a goddamn idiot for letting himself think otherwise for even a minute.     
  
He was so lost in the thought he hadn’t even noticed the faint footsteps of Natasha until she’d placed her hand lightly on his shoulder.  “Come on,” she said softly, “let’s get you cleaned up.”  He was compliant as she tugged him up and led him out of the room.  

It had been years since he'd last stayed at the Barton house - before Natasha had disappeared - and it's a weird sort of nostalgic dejavu as Natasha led him into the guest room they had spent many nights in. He found himself on autopilot really as he walked into the room.  More so as she dragged him into the small ensuite.  Lost to his own mind, lost to his own demons.

“Steve…” she said softly as her hands worked at the shield harness on his suit. “What happened?” she asked quietly as she let the harness fall to the floor before her hands moved to unbuckle and unzip his suit. There was an intimacy to the act that she didn’t miss - this was well over that _take it slow_ line but she couldn’t help it right then.  She was lost and floundering herself, and taking care of Steve had always been a way for her to ground herself.  

Steve swallowed hard. He wasn't sure how to put into words what he was feeling, what Wanda’s vision had done to him, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to put that on Natasha even if he could.  He felt ashamed of the thoughts, of the way he both wanted nothing more than to drown himself in her but also run as far and as fast away from her and Alex as he could. “It's nothing, I'm fine,” he tried vainly to insist instead. Which seemed rather ironic as he winced when he pulled his arm out of his suit. He hadn't noticed until now the damage Pietro had inflicted, a raw and searing pain down his side as he tried to move.

Natasha frowned. “Bullshit,” she countered but didn't push it. Yet. She tugged off the rest of his suit and inspected the damage, hands gentle as she pressed them against the bruising that had formed. Nothing seemed broken and she was sure he'd be fine in the morning thanks to the serum. Physically at least. She had a feeling the emotional toll, whatever it was, would linger.

She dropped her hands and took a small step back, suddenly struck with the thought that this was the first time she had seen him naked in over four years. And it was an unconscious move more than anything as her eyes roamed the once familiar expanses of skin, her lower lip caught between her teeth. She hadn't _forgotten,_ but the real thing was vastly different than her memories those nights she had let her mind wander to him, furious and frantic thoughts as she slipped a hand between her legs and tried to remind herself what it felt like to be pulled apart at the seams. She breathed out - shaky and slow as the bathroom suddenly felt half its size as he took a step toward her.

Steve's brow furrowed as he looked her over, his eyes locked to a bruise across her cheekbone and he brushed the back of his hand over the mark. “I'm fine,” she insisted as his hand moved to cup her face.

“Bullshit,” he repeated her retort with a smirk. He watched her as he let his hand wander, his thumb brushed over her lips and she shivered. He was keenly aware of the fact he was completely naked, especially as his body responded to her soft sigh, her full lips parted and he could feel her breath as his fingers grazed over her lower lip.

He dropped his hand, his fingers gripped the hem of her shirt and he pulled it up. He pressed her back into the counter, her shirt still clasped in his hands as they moved to her back. She was warm, flushed, as they stood together skin to skin. He wanted to push her away, wanted to tell her she was better off forgetting about trying this whole damn family thing with someone like him - someone who would die bloody on a battlefield and do nothing but break their hearts.  He wanted to tell her she had been right all along, that he was nothing but trouble for Alex and they were better off without him, how they’d been fine for years but a few mere _months_ with him and it’d all gone to hell.  

He _wanted_ to say all that, but he felt so weak in that moment. Desperate for her and the way she could always bring him back from the minefield of his own mind. Ground him, find him, and quiet all his demons and those intrusive voices that claimed him unworthy of the love she offered.  How she could do that in a way no one else had ever been able to, in a way he hadn’t realized just _how much_ he needed and loved until it was gone.  And he realized just how much he had been lying for the past four years.  To himself, to others.  To Sharon.  How he’d been doing nothing but pretending to be a fully functional person when he had been anything but without Natasha to hold him together.  His partner in every sense of the word, and how she had been since that fateful day in Fury’s office when he assigned them together.

Her hands moved to run along his back.  Little presses of her fingers into his skin. As though she could put him back together by touch alone.  “Steve… what happened?” she tried again. Her voice muffled with her head tucked into his shoulder, hitched on the end as his hand slid up her side and his fingers ran over the sensitive skin along her ribs.  “Steve.. you're worrying me,” she said softly.  

He nuzzled his face into her neck. At war with himself.  At war with keeping his damn mouth shut or not. He knew whatever he said she would just convince him otherwise, and he wasn't sure if he was worth her words. But she was _there_ and willing and he didn't want to feel lost anymore. “You’re better… better off without me…” he admitted into the skin of her neck, voice hoarse.  “You and Alex, you were safer lost…”   
  
Natasha’s heart dropped at the admission.  Not just the words themselves, but the broken voice he spoke them in.  The desperation that radiated off of him as he spoke, as his hands roamed her body even as he told her she was better off without him. Like he couldn't decide if he even believed his own words. Or he _did_ and he was just that lost and floundering for something to hold onto.

“I don't belong,” he said with a shaky breath. “With you, with Alex, I don't belong…” he shivered at the memory of the vision. The house he couldn't enter, the family he would could never have.

Natasha's hands moved to bring his face up from the crook her her shoulder. She waited until he looked in her eyes to speak. “You listen to me, Steve and you listen good. You belong,” she assured him. “You belong with me, you belong with _our_ daughter. We're a family, and this family only works with you.  So this thought, this _idea_ that we’re somehow better off without you?  It's wrong. I can't even begin to tell you how wrong it is. We've _been_ without you Steve. And it's not better.”   

He held her gaze as she spoke. The conviction in her words clear. Her words did a lot to quiet his fears, but he still felt shaken. Adrift somehow. Her thumb brushed against his face. “Steve, I love you. I've _always_ loved you and I always will. So trust me, you belong,” she repeated.

He swallowed against the lump in his throat. He turned his face into her hand and pressed a soft kiss to her palm. “I love you too, Natasha. So much it scares me sometimes,” he said softly. He ducked his head down for a moment with a small shake before he caught her gaze again. “Thank you,” he said as he let his forehead rest against hers. It didn't seem like enough somehow, enough of a sentiment for everything she did.   
  
He dropped her shirt that he had still had in hand to the ground as he pressed into her more.  His hands moved to tangle in her hair and their lips danced over each other's lightly. Natasha shuddered at the soft moan he gave as his hips pressed into hers, the hardness between his legs more than evident.  She could feel her own desire coil, spread through her like fire, and dampness pool between her legs.  Her lips moved to graze against the skin of his neck and down to his shoulder, and she could hear his groan vibrate in his throat.  She trailed a hand down to wrap her fingers around his cock.     
  
“Natasha…” he moaned out, his hand moved to still hers.  “Natasha… wait…”   
  
Natasha could feel her frustration grow at his words and she lifted her gaze to him.  She knew he wanted to go slow, knew that they really _should._  But they hadn’t counted on Strucker attacking the Tower, and Steve coming back from a fight more than shaken and lost in his mind.  He needed this.   _She_ needed this.  “Steve…” she started and moved her hand as best she could with his overlapped on hers.  “It’s fine,” she assured him.  They could wait later, they could take it slow later.  Right then, in that tiny bathroom with their respective fights still clinging to their skin and heavy on their minds, they _needed_ each other.     
  
He shook his head and stilled her movements again.  She felt about two seconds from exploding on him and pointing out the very real fact that he was the asshole who not once, not twice, but three times now had gotten her worked up and backed down.  A move that maybe was easier for him given he was also the asshole who’d had sex in the past four years when she hadn’t.  

But he held her gaze, his own dark with desire and pure _want_ .  So much so that it sent a shiver down her spine.  “That’s not it,” he said roughly.  He didn’t want her to take care of him, not like that, not first.  Not when he knew he’d been awful, that first night he slipped up and how he’d gotten her so close only to bail.  Then the night of Alex’s birthday when she’d all but begged him to stay, to finish what he started, but instead he’d left.  No, he wouldn’t let her get him off like this, not before he made up for lost time.  He gently tugged her hand away from his length and moved her hand to the edge of the counter as he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers.  Raw, hungry. _Desperate_ .  Natasha found herself lost in it, his tongue slipped into her mouth, tangled with hers and she could _feel_ the want radiate off of him.  His hands pressed tight against her back, her ass pushed hard against the edge of the counter.   
  
His mouth moved, trailed down the side of her neck as his hands roamed to her front and pressed into her breasts.  She moaned at the pressure of the touch, and again as his mouth moved further down to latch around a nipple.  She hissed an intake of air as his teeth grazed over the sensitive nub.  “Okay?” he asked, concern in his tone as he let his eyes flicker up to hers.  

She nodded.  “Yeah, I’m just - more sensitive,” she assured him softly.  She assumed a combination of _years_ of being starved for this kind of intimate touch, and changes to her body since the pregnancy.  “I’ll tell you if it’s not okay,” she added, not wanting him to _stop_ .  It was just on the other side of too much, but in the most amazing way.  He nodded and moved his mouth to her other nipple to lavish the same attention.  Her fingers tugged at his hair, her hips ground into his and she fairly certain he could probably get her off by this alone if he tried.     
  
But Steve had other plans and he worked his way down her body and fell to his knees in front of her.  His mouth trailed over her stomach and he didn’t hesitate this time as his fingers danced along the silvery stretch marks that dotted her skin.  It was _her_ who stiffened as his hand tugged at the button of her jeans and brushed against her lower stomach.  Against that stubborn little bump of extra weight that she had never been able to get rid of no matter what she tried.  Steve noticed her sudden tension and he nuzzled his face into her stomach as he tugged her pants down.  “You’re beautiful,” he said, lips brushing against her skin, “so beautiful, Natasha.”

He lifted each of her legs in turn to tug her jeans and panties off.  His mouth trailed up her calf, her thigh, and he groaned as her hands threaded into his hair with a tug as he got higher and higher.  “Missed you,” he spoke against the skin of the inside of her thigh, his voice low and gravelly with his want for her. “Missed your skin, missed the feel of you, missed the way you tug my hair..” he kept rambling, words mumbled against her skin as his fingers moved into her wet folds.  He smirked against her leg at her sharp inhale.  “Missed that… God, Nat…” he was practically gone himself, so hard it _hurt_ and lost to the feel of her wetness against his fingers, the clench of her muscles as he slid them into her.  

“Dreamt about this for so long, even when I knew it was wrong, even when I knew I shouldn’t…” he kept talking as his fingers thrusted in and out of her slowly, purposefully, and her breath in ragged gasps.  “Dreamt about how good it always felt to lose myself in you, how amazing you feel wrapped around me..” his mouth moved closer to where she wanted, where she _ached_ for him, though she wasn’t about to complain about the sudden burst of verbosity that had preceded the move.  “Dreamt about how you taste…” he added as his mouth closed around her core, his tongue drew a stripe up her center and she gripped his hair tight at that.  Her head fell back with a moan.     
  
“ _Steve_ …” she managed to get out in a shaky breath.  It had been _so long_ .  So many nights she had nothing but her memory of this to keep her warm and God how her memories had let her down in comparison to the real thing.  She could barely catch her breath as his tongue explored her, pressed against her clit and then flicked before he sucked the bundle of nerves between his lips.   She was embarrassingly close, her hips bucked against his face and she all but _rode_ him.  “God, Steve.. I’m so close.. _Fuck_ …”

“Nat.. Nat… let go... I got you…” he muttered quietly around her clit and he curled his fingers inside of her, it had been years but it was ingrained into him still how to work her.  How to bring her to the edge and make her lose herself.   He could feel her body shake and shudder under him, could feel how _close_ to release she was and he slipped his hand around her ass, pressed her harder against his willing mouth. That was all it took and her inner walls spasmed around his fingers, his name on her lips as he kept his mouth on her through her orgasm.

“Fuuuuuck…” she hissed out as she wobbled, one of his arms gripped around her to keep her upright.  He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and then gently lifted her up to sit on the edge of the counter as he stood. Her head fell into his chest and he kissed the top of it as her body shook with pleasure. She laughed softly as she started to come back to herself. “Damn, Steve…” she breathed out.

He caught her gaze when she looked up and held it for a moment before he pressed his lips to hers once more. He hooked an arm around her waist, tugged her forward. He moaned as she brushed against his hard cock and there was a moment where he was surprised he didn't come right there like some horny teenager.  Her hand slipped between them and he'd had plans of carrying her into the small shower but clearly she had plans of her own. Natasha shifted as she guided him into her, their eyes locked on each others.

She was still so wet, and Steve's forehead fell to her shoulder as he pushed fully into her, a sigh at the feel of it, the feel of _her._ Natasha's hands pressed into his back, a hitch in her breath as she stretched to accommodate the size of him. She had forgotten how it felt, how _full_ , how him being inside of her was the physical manifestation of their deep connection. How it made her feel complete in some ethereal way that she had always thought cheesy bullshit before him.

He lifted his head from her shoulder and started to move. Slowly at first as he held her gaze, as he remembered how _good_ it felt to be inside of her. And then quicker as his need for her took over. His hands moved to grip her ass, hold her steady as he fucked her on the counter. Her legs wrapped around his waist, ankles crossed behind his back. He'd always had tricks, little ways to get her off quick when they had needed to be quick. But this was beyond even that as he thrusted, as she felt the heat coil in her core again. And as she watched him she knew she wasn't alone.

“Nat,” he moaned. “God, Natasha you feel so good…” he continued as his head fell back to her shoulder. Her nails dug into the skin of his back as his cock pushed into her, filling her completely. “I love you, I love you so much…”

“I love you too,” she echoed, her breathing erratic.  She could feel herself getting closer and closer, so wound up from years of being without. “Steve are you…” she started but couldn't finish as she came, her hands clenched into his back and her hips bucking up into his.

“Good.. ugh Natasha, good, come for me…” he babbled, and it was only by some small miracle he had enough sense to pull out right before he came.  He spilled onto her thigh with a shudder.  They were quiet as they clung to each other. Their ragged breaths the only sound as it echoed softly in the small bathroom. She hummed contently after a moment as his hands trailed idle patterns up and down her back.

“Sorry,” he apologized as his brain caught up and he realized he'd thoroughly made a mess of her leg.  He wasn't even certain if it had been necessary. They hadn't been careful - having assumed there had been no need - for their whole relationship before Alex. But now whatever they had _thought_ back then was clearly wrong.

Natasha's laugh echoed in the small bathroom and his own soon followed. “It's fine,” she assured him.  “We have to shower anyways,” she pointed out. Steve nodded at that and pushed open the door of the stall to turn the water on. He fiddled with the taps for the right temperature and then lifted Natasha up off the counter and carried her into the stall.

They were quiet as they showered. Gentle touches as they cleaned each other, light kisses along skin.  Natasha could feel an ache settle into her bones from fleeing the Tower, and she was sure their sex didn't help much but she wouldn't take it back for anything.

Steve's hand brushed against the bruise on her face again, his brow furrowed. “I'm fine,” she tried to assure him again. All things considered she could have come out a lot worse. “Steve…” she said softly as he looked down at her, still unconvinced. “I got them worse than they got me,” she added, a small smirk on her lips.

That pulled a small smile from him and he pressed a soft kiss to her lips, his hand moving into her hair. “That's my girl,” he said as they pulled apart. What they both wanted to do to Strucker, the depth of their anger, was left unsaid between them.  Natasha tugged him back to her to kiss. The heat grew between them again as they kissed and their hands started to roam each other's bodies with intent far beyond getting clean.

Steve turned the tap off and lifted her again, her legs wrapped around his midsection. He managed to get a towel around them and carried her to the bed. He laid her down, crawled in beside her and pulled the blankets over them. Their limbs tangled together, his lips slatted over hers. Slowly and open mouthed. Not necessarily without the same desperation that had taken them over earlier, but without the same sense of urgency.

Once with Natasha had never been enough - a combination of his enhanced stamina and the sheer depth of his desire for her - and that was even more true now. Whatever thoughts he had entertained about waiting, taking things slow, had been forgotten. How could he. How could he walk away now.  She was his drug, always had been.  It had never been _just_ want, it had always been _need._  As unhealthy and codependent as that probably was, the truth was he didn’t work without her.  A fact he had known for years in her absence.  Sure he could fake it well enough, could go through the motions and even seem on the outside of have carved out a life for himself.  But inside he had always been a wreck.  He had always been lost and missing until she showed up on his front step and found him again.

  
She didn’t have to tell him that the same was for her.  He _knew_ it.  He could _feel_ it.  In the look in her eyes, the way her hands roamed his body, in the searing kiss she pressed to his lips as he moved above her.  The noises she made and the sound of his name on her lips with reverence, like a prayer, just like hers was on his, as they came together again.  As he filled her, as they moved together, slowly with delicate kisses and their eyes locked together.  Like they could put every missed _I love you_ into their movements.  Every missed night of laying together in a tangled mess of limbs and content sighs.  As though they could negate every night they had woken up in a cold sweat and looked for the other beside them only to find an empty space, or someone else.  And for the first time in four years he felt entirely, and truly, _complete_ as they brought each other to release.   
  
He collapsed against her chest, her fingers threaded through his hair and he let his eyes close.  He knew the real world required attention, that there were things to be done and plans to be made.  That Strucker was still out there.  But for that moment he was blissfully ignorant.  Content in Natasha’s embrace, content in the knowing their daughter slept safe and soundly down the hall.  He knew there was nothing to be done until the morning regardless.  The team needed to regroup, figure out a new plan of action.  

And so when he moved it wasn’t to go far.  He wet a cloth in the bathroom with warm water to wipe the mess between Natasha’s legs before they dug through drawers to find something to pass for pyjamas.  Natasha had spent a few nights in the room since her return, but it had been years for Steve.  Still though, Laura had left the clothes he had from back before Natasha’s disappearance in the drawers - and he smiled as he thought about how she must have always had faith in Natasha’s return, that they would again find use for this guest room.  He handed a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top to Natasha.  
  
She took them and gave him a teasing grin.  “And here I thought we could sleep naked for old times sake,” she said lightly as she pulled the tank top over her head.  
  
Steve laughed softly and pulled out a pair of pants for himself.  “Maybe when we’re not crammed into a house with seven other people,” he replied.  One them being their daughter asleep down the hall and with the day she’d had Steve wouldn’t be surprised if she made her way to their room at some point in the night.  Still though, as they crawled back into bed, he longed for the feel of her skin bare against his.  He slipped his hand under her tank top, palm pressed flush to her back as he pulled her in close.  

Their breathing evened and deepend as they found peace in each other’s arms.  The day still weighed heavy but there was a calm there in the bed, legs tangled together under the sheets.  A knowing that no matter how bad it got they would be okay, because they had each other.  Steve’s hand threaded through Natasha’s hair as her eyes fluttered shut, her hands curled under her chin, fingers dusted along the underside of his jaw.  “Hey Nat…” he said softly, barely above a whisper.   
  
“Yeah?” she mumbled sleepily.    
  
“I’m going to marry you,” he declared, the words quiet but with conviction, and his arm around her back tightened.  It wasn’t a question, nor was it a statement meant to feel out her reply.  It was a declaration, his intent and a plan he a hundred percent would follow through on.  He could hear her breath hitch, and he smiled a little.    
  
“Promises, promises,” she teased him softly after she had caught her breath.  Her tone light, but he knew it wasn’t making light of his words.  He knew she knew he meant them.  “And besides, Rogers,” she started and peered up at him with a smirk.  “You still owe me dinner.”    
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for all the lovely comments!

The night air was cool when Bucky and Laura ducked back out of the house. A fact that Bucky didn't really pick up on until he and Laura had walked most of the way to the barn.  He glanced to her, clad only in a light weight sweater and he raised a concerned brow. “You okay?” he checked. “If it's too cool we can go back in,” he suggested with a nod back toward the house. 

Laura shook her head. “I'm walking around with a furnace in my stomach, I'm fine, Bucky,” she assured him with a smile. “I do however, need to sit,” she added and Bucky helped her to sink down on a bench in front of the barn.  Laura patted the spot beside her and he sat down next to her.  They sat in silence for a few moments, a comfortable one even if Bucky’s body still seemed to radiate an anxious energy.  Laura glanced at him.  “Are _you_ alright,” she asked gently.   
  
Bucky shrugged a little, his eyes fixed out over the property.  He wasn’t exactly sure how to answer the question.  The mission had been a bust, worse than that really.  He felt raw, pulled apart from his encounter with the girl - _Wanda_ \- and even more so by the knowledge they’d all been played for idiots.  Alex was safe, but that didn’t change the fact it _could_ have ended differently.  It didn’t change how close they’d all been to losing Alex, Natasha, and Pepper.  As hard hit and broken up by it all Steve and Tony had been, Bucky knew it would have been imaginably worse had anything worse happened.  It left a sour taste in his mouth and he felt more than angry at it all.     
  
There was something else too that pulled at him, that kept him from finding peace now that they knew everyone was okay for the moment.  Something _different._  Something linked entirely to the moment Wanda had gotten into his head.  Thoughts, memories, that weren’t his own that now lingered.  Emotions he wasn’t sure how to place, or even deal with.  She was in his head.  A place that was already fractured and crowded enough and now some _part_ of her was there too.  He could _feel_ her, feel her presence.  It was fading but it was _there._ Just around the edges, enough that he could _feel_ it but not enough that he could entirely hone in on it.  It was like an itch he couldn’t scratch, like the few lines stuck in his head when the rest of the song remained unknown.   
  
“Bucky?” Laura questioned, and he realized he’d been quiet for a good while.   
  
He looked to Laura and pressed his lips into a tight line. “I don’t know, Laur,” he admitted and let his head drop down.  He hated not being _okay._  Or at least his version of okay - a version he had managed to come to terms with not being a normal person’s okay.      
  
“What happened?” Laura prompted, but there was a patience to the words and he knew she would wait as long as it took him to answer.     
  
Bucky stretched his legs out in front of him as he tried to collect the thoughts.  It still felt weird sometimes, having _people_ , having a support system.  He still felt floored by the realization that it hadn’t been just Steve who had embraced him when he had been found, but also people like Laura and Clint.  And eventually Sam and Tony.  He had spent so many years on his own, so much time trying to deal with the fractured mess than was his mind all by himself.  Convinced that he wasn’t worthy of others helping him.  Though that thought still did pop up even still, but he was more open to the idea of trying now, and more open to taking the help when it was offered.

“There was this girl…” he started and shrugged again.  “Enhanced is the term Hill uses,” his distaste at the word was evident.  Bucky knew what it meant to be enhanced and he knew damn well more often than not it was never free.  Even Steve, who he figured was the most well adjusted of all of them had damage from what was done to him.  From the bits of the girl - _Wanda_ , her name was Wanda - that still lingered in his mind he knew it was the same for her.  And he felt sick.  Absolutely sick over what he had seen.   _Compromised_ it would have been called.  There was a part of him too, a nagging voice, that expected the chair, expected the recalibration and punishment because of it.  Not the gentle tones of Laura asking what had happened, but rather the pain of having the incident ripped from him without consent.   

Laura didn't push, she could see as Bucky tried to work through what had happened. The stress it had obviously caused - both him and Steve had looked barely above functioning when they had made their way into the house. Instead, she waited. Quiet as Bucky's hand flexed against his leg, quiet as his eyes settled back over the property.

“She got in my head,” Bucky started. “Steve's too I think from what I can tell,” he shrugged a little. “I didn't much get a chance to ask him, it all went to hell once we knew Strucker went after the girls...”  He paused and let out a slow breath to calm himself from the anger of that.  Steve was his brother and Alex was nothing short of his family in all the ways that mattered.  The idea of someone hurting her made him see red, made his skin crawl.

“I'm sorry, Bucky, I know that couldn't have been easy for you,” Laura said. She let a hand rest on his shoulder for a moment, a move of comfort and reassurance, and then dropped it back to her lap.

Bucky shrugged. “I think it was harder for her honestly,” he said, a twinge of resentment to his tone. He could feel the way it hit her, the mangled mess that was his mind. Her fear, her sadness as it still lingered strong in his own thoughts.  He knew he had gotten off easy somehow, that what had happened _should_ have been worse.  He knew that Wanda saw something that changed her mind, that she _walked away._  He just wasn’t sure what it all meant.  He went quiet for a moment again and then stretched his legs out in front of him before he glanced to Laura. “Let's talk about something better,” he prompted.  “How’s the traitor treating you lately?” he asked with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes as he used the nickname Natasha had given the baby.

Laura smiled at him and placed her hands on the swell of her stomach. “He's been kicking up a storm…” she said and grabbed Bucky's hand to place it on her belly. She grinned as he smiled, feeling the kick.  She watched the soft expression on his face as he kept his hand on her belly and her grin faded into a warm smile, she couldn’t help but think during moments like this - or when she’d catch him playing with Lila and Cooper, all boisterous laughs and even something close to carefree - of the man Bucky must have been before everything.  Of the young men he and Steve had once been, so full of promise and potential before war tore them apart.    
  
“You might have a soccer player there, Laur,” Bucky said as he moved his hand and leaned back on the bench again.     
  
Laura laughed softly.  “So I’ve been told a few times,” she answered.  She pressed a hand to Bucky’s knee and used it to push herself back up.  “Now come on, I bet you’re starving,” she started and they headed back toward the house.

 

* * *

  


Steve and Natasha hadn't even gotten to sleep before they heard the door crack open. There was a momentary panic for both of them - old habits died hard - before their eyes focused on Alex’s silhouette in the door frame, back-lit by the hallway light. She paused for a moment before she ran over to the bed and stopped in front of Natasha, who sat up in the bed to look down at her daughter.

“Mama,” she said with a sniff and wiped at her eyes. “I had a bad dream.”  A statement that surprised neither Steve or Natasha given the day's events. Alex had been through a lot that day, more than anyone should ever have to go through, and it was only natural it manifested itself in bad dreams that night.  Natasha was just glad she had managed to get at least a little bit of sleep before it had hit her.

Natasha set a hand against Alex’s face, a concerned look on her face.  “They’re just dreams, Alex, no one’s going to hurt you here,” she assured Alex.  Natasha’s anger at Strucker flared again, but she knew that then wasn’t the time.  Strucker would get what was coming for him, he would pay for thinking, even for a second, that her daughter was his for the taking.  He would pay for making Alex feel unsafe in her home, for giving her such terrible memories that day.  But Strucker was not there right then, _Alex_ was, and Natasha calmed the rage inside herself.  “Come here, Malyshka,” Natasha said as she reached her hands to loop around Alex and pulled her into the bed.  She wrapped her arms around Alex as she moved them to lay in the bed and pulled Alex in between her and Steve.

“Hi, Daddy,” Alex said as she snuggled in between her parents and turned to face Steve. “Why are you here?” she asked as she made herself comfortable.

Steve paused at the question, but Natasha was quick to answer for him. “Daddy had a bad dream too,” she explained as her fingers ran through Alex’s hair. They'd have to have an actual talk with Alex - especially since Natasha had no real intention on going back to living separate lives in separate suites, not after tonight, not after Steve had in no uncertain terms declared his intentions for them - but it could wait for now.

“I'm sorry, Daddy,” Alex said and Steve smiled softly at her. Alex’s hand moved to Steve's face and she started to stroke the side of it, like her Mama had done so often for her when she'd had bad dreams.

Steve couldn't help the soft smile at it.  Not just Alex’s hand on his face, but _everything._  The family he had convinced himself for so long that he could never have, now right in front of him and in his arms. It had always been _enough_ when it had been just him and Natasha, and having children was something they had never planned on, but there was a sense of completion still now with Alex. Something that they hadn't known was always missing until they had it.  He knew they would have been happy together regardless, that they had enough love between the two of them, but he was amazed by just how much _more_ it had all become with Alex.  “Me too, baby,” he replied and let his hand settle on hers on his face.  He hated the idea of her having bad dreams, especially when those dreams were more likely than not  brought on by what Strucker had done.  Like Natasha, he felt his anger rise at the thought and he forced himself to let it go.  “Now how about we get some sleep,” he suggested and gave her a small smile.  

Alex nodded but she still seemed a little shaken by the dream that had woken her.  Steve’s heart ached at it. “You're safe,” he assured his daughter, he gave her hand a squeeze and then moved his arm over her to settle his hand against Natasha's hip. “We've got you…” he added and leaned his head in to press a soft kiss to her forehead.  That seemed to work and she relaxed into Natasha’s arms.  Steve watched her closely as she drifted off to sleep again, her hand still against the side of his face.

His eyes darted from Alex up to Natasha and the two smiled at each other. “You should get some sleep, too,” Natasha said softly. She knew that there was a lot to be done come morning, and while Steve needed a lot less when it came to rest than most people, she still wanted him to have _some._  The day had been hell, for all of them, they needed to recharge.  

“Yeah, probably,” Steve agreed reluctantly as his hand tightened on Natasha’s hip.  He knew she was right, that he was no good to anyone if he didn’t rest and take care of himself.  But he didn’t want to miss this - the woman he loved in his arms, their daughter snuggled under the covers between them.  Such a small, but so monumental, moment.  After everything they had gone through to get here, he hated the idea of sleeping through it.  

Natasha watched Steve's face as he looked back down at Alex. She could see where his hesitation laid. Could see the thought pattern he found himself in. She slipped her legs between his, her foot deftly pushed up the leg of his sleep pants so that their skin touched, and smiled up at him. “We got you,” she repeated his words from earlier. She smiled softly when his eyes moved to hers.  “We’re not going anywhere,” she assured him.    
  
Steve nodded.  “I know,” he said, and it was a statement he a hundred percent trusted.  Any doubts he might have had weeks - months - ago were completely gone.  He knew Natasha, and Alex, were there and were there for good.  They might not know what the future held but they knew, finally, that the only way they wanted to face it was together.  They had found each other again, not just as parents to Alex but in every way.  He would be hard pressed to pick the exact moment, rather it had been something that had snuck up on him throughout the months since she’d come back, but the trust he’d always had so implicitly in her, the trust he had thought broken was there and as strong as ever.  “I love you,” he told her quietly as they held the other’s gaze,  Alex now fast asleep between them.     
  
Natasha grinned, she wondered if she would ever get sick of hearing that, if he could ever say it enough for her.  She doubted it.  Three small words that hit her just as much right then as they had the first time.  “I love you, too,” she replied.  “Now get some sleep,”  she repeated.     
  
“Yes, ma’am,” Steve said lightly with a teasing smirk.  He fake a snore or two, which elicited a small laugh for Natasha.  He let his eyes fall shut though and it wasn’t long before he drifted off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

It was early when Steve woke, the morning sun just barely peeking through the curtains. And as much as he knew there were things that needed attending to - namely finding Strucker - he allowed himself this moment.  Even with everything it had been one of the better sleeps he'd had in a good while. Steve watched Alex as she slept, unaware that he had woken. Her back was flush against Natasha, her hands were curled under her chin. She breathed deeply and evenly. He couldn't help but wonder what she dreamed of. Were they good dreams finally once she had crawled into their bed?  Did she manage to, even with the events of the day before, carve out some little place of happiness in her sleep after the nightmare. He hoped so. He hoped the escape from the Tower would be just a small blip in an otherwise peaceful life, and he knew he would stop at nothing to do what he could to make that happen for her.

Steve's fingers drummed lightly against Natasha's hip. The whole thing felt so surreal. But _right._ And Natasha’s words from the night before lingered in his mind. _You belong_ .  He felt it then. Without a doubt, without hesitation.  In a way he had never known before, he _belonged_ .  Everything was finally as it should be. Whatever fears or doubts he had, they didn't matter. He knew they would always be _there_ , he knew that some days would be worse than others but at the end of the day he couldn’t let those fears and doubts make him lose sight of what really mattered. His _family._  

Natasha stirred and Steve smiled at her when her eyes focused on him. “Morning,” he said quietly.  He felt happier than he had in years, grounded and at peace even with the uncertainty that hung over his head.  
  
“Morning,” she mumbled back sleepily, and as the events of the night before came into focus she couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face.  “I guess we kind of blew over the whole going slow thing,” she said lightly with a small laugh.     
  
Steve grinned at her and leaned over Alex to press a chaste kiss to her lips.  “It was probably a dumb idea anyways,” he said.  “Who even thought of it,” he added with a small laugh of his own as Natasha gave him a playful smack to his arm.  He reached a hand to cup the side of her face, his expression going serious.  “I don’t regret it,” he assured her.  “Not in the least.”   
  
Natasha smiled and turned her head so she could press her lips to the inside of his palm.  “Neither do I,” she replied and held his gaze.   
  
Their moment was interrupted - though in a way neither of them would complain about - as Alex started to stir between them.  She stretched her arms out and Steve groaned but then laughed as her hand smacked him in the face.  “Sorry, Daddy!” she said with a giggle.     
  
Steve laughed again and scooped her up as she giggled to dump her on the foot of the bed as he tickled her sides.  “Daddy!” she yelled between giggles.  “Daddy no tickles!” she protested though her laughter made it clear she didn’t _really_ mind.  “Mama!  Mama help!” she added as Natasha laughed.   
  
“Mommy can’t help you,” Steve declared with an exaggerated tone and he quickly moved to scoop Natasha up and move her next to Alex before he tickled her sides instead.   
  
“Steve!” Natasha yelped as she was moved but she started to laugh as his fingers brushed against her sides.

Alex giggled and piled on top of Natasha to help Steve tickle.  “We got you, Mama,” she declared triumphantly as the three of them descended into a mess of tickles and laughter.

 

* * *

  
  
Clothes for the day were found in the dresser in the spare room, and from Lila’s room for Alex, and the three headed down into the kitchen.  It was still fairly early, but they weren’t the first to find their way downstairs.  Alex quickly moved to the chair beside Lila at the table.  Clint was making coffee at the counter, Sam stood beside him cracking eggs, Bucky with his head in the freezer as he found a loaf of bread.  And then there was Tony, at the table looking at a tablet, Tony who Steve immediately regretted not beating downstairs as he took in Steve and Natasha.  He set the tablet down and started to clap.   
  
Steve could feel a flush creep across the back of his neck as Sam joined in, and then Bucky as he set down the loaf of bread on the counter.  Natasha beside him just smirked and moved easily to the table with a death glare at Tony as she sat down between him and Alex.  “Mama why is Uncle Tony clapping?” Alex asked as she looked between everyone, confused.     
  
Tony leaned in towards her.  “Because, Alex, last night…” he was quickly cut off by Natasha not so gently hitting him across his chest.  He coughed a few times and held his hands up in defeat.   
  
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Natasha said with a smirk.  She looked expectantly at Sam and Bucky then who hung their heads and mumbled an _I’m sorry._  Clint handed Steve a cup of coffee and gave him a grin.  He handed another to Natasha at the table and then leaned against the counter to pour his own.     
  
It wasn’t long before the others made their way into the kitchen.  Space was limited but they all made it work as a mountain of scrambled eggs was cooked up, the loaf of bread toasted, bacon fried and everyone passed around plates and cups.  It was a simple breakfast, but it did the trick and soon enough everyone was full and ready to tackle cleaning up before they would have to move onto more serious matters.     
  
For the most part everyone urged Laura to sit while they worked around her, but Laura was never one to sit for long and she insisted on helping while they all cleaned up from breakfast.  She handed Natasha the plates from the nook that Thor and Sam had sat at.  Thor’s hammer stood on the end of the little counter and Laura reached to pick it up to move.     


“Wait - Laur…” Clint started but then stopped in awe as Laura easily picked the hammer up.  While the kids still chattered and moved about, nearly everyone else was deadly silent as they took in the sight.  

Laura raised a brow as she took in all of them staring at her.  “What?” she asked.    
  
Tony looked to Thor and raised a finger at him.  “You rigged this, didn’t you?” he accused, clearly still bitter that not one of them had been able to lift the hammer when they had all tried.     
  
Thor just shook his head and lifted his arms.  “No, no, I swear I did not,” he assured Tony.  He moved towards Laura and gave the woman a smile as she handed the hammer to him.  “While only a few warriors of Asgard are considered worthy to wield the hammer, many of our mothers are," he started to explain.  "Brave, strong, selfless...” he moved toward Natasha and offered the handle of Mjölnir.  She hesitated, but then reached a hand to take it.  Her eyes moved up to Thor’s and he smiled at her as she took the weight of the hammer.  “Worthy.”   
  
Natasha’s gaze fell back to her hand around the handle, to the hammer _in her hand_ and she smiled to herself.   _Can you wipe out that much red_ . Despite herself, Loki’s words had hit her often throughout the years.  Words that she knew had been meant to throw her off guard, but had stuck with her nonetheless.  Words that had been nothing but an echo of her own thoughts and fears.  But here was was.  Worthy.  

She knew it wasn’t just the one act of having Aleksandra that made it so.  No, it was everything that had led up to that, because Alex had come from all of that.  From all the terrible things she had done, and had done to her, she had made herself a better person out of it.  Someone who was worth a damn in the eyes of Clint Barton, someone who took the chance she had been given and made enough of herself out of it to be chosen as an Avenger.   _She_ had done that.   _She_ had made herself someone worthy of that title, someone worthy of the friendship of a man like Steve Rogers, and then more.  Natasha’s eyes lifted up to catch Steve as he looked at her, nothing but _pride_ in his gaze.  He smiled at her with a small nod and she grinned back.     
  
Natasha gave herself another moment before the feel of eyes on her started to pull her from it.  She gave Mjölnir one last turn over in her hand and then handed it to Pepper beside her, curious as to Thor’s theory.  She was prepared to keep the weight of the hammer but Pepper picked it up easily and the two women shared a smile.  Except, of course, the moment was a surprise to most of the house and Pepper laughed as she heard Thor’s voice boom out a congratulations to Tony.     
  
The group descended into chatter as Tony and Pepper received congratulations.  The last of the dishes were put away as conversation flowed easily.  The kids were shooed outside to enjoy the fresh air and more coffee made.  It was a rather domestic moment for them, but one they knew they would all look back on and treasure.  A rare moment of calm in between all the storms of their lives.  A calm that was broken as an alert pinged on Tony’s tablet.   
  
Tony picked the device up and hit a few buttons to display the incoming video call before he set it on the table so the others could see.  Maria came into view, sitting in one of the briefing rooms of the Tower.  Tony had asked her earlier to go in and asses the damage from Strucker’s assault.  “We’re back online,” she let the know.  “Whatever Strucker did to close communications between you and the Tower doesn’t seem to have caused any lasting damage,” she continued as she looked at Tony.   
  
“Good,” he replied, though it was easy to hear the resentment he still felt at having his system attacked in the first place.  “Any damage to anything else?” he asked.   
  
“The parking garage is a mess, some of the halls, but it’ll be cleaned up shortly,” Maria replied.  “But that’s now what I called about,” she started.     
  
Steve felt his stomach drop at the words, at the way her expression hardened.  He knew of course that reality would have to be faced soon, he just hoped reality hadn’t managed to get a little bit worse while they had regrouped.  “What’s going on?” he asked.     
  
Maria glanced between him and Tony before her eyes cast downward to the keyboard.  A smaller window popped up on the screen on their end, a screen-capture of an email.  Steve and Tony leaned toward the tablet to read the words.   
  
_Captain America,_   
_We would like to arrange a meeting.  I believe we can be of use to each other._   
_Wanda and Pietro Maximoff._   
  
Tony sucked in a breath as he read the words, beside him he could feel Steve stiffen in the chair.  There was a phone number listed below the words, an area code he recognized as New York.  “It came through about an hour ago,” Maria explained.  “I’ll have a point of origin shortly, though I’m assuming they’re in the City somewhere given the phone number.”   
  
Tony’s brow furrowed as he read it again.  “Came in how?” he asked.

Maria paused, her lips pressed into a line.  “Well... “ she shrugged, “on the Contact Us page on your website, Stark,” she answered.  Which was why it had taken her as long as it did to find, she didn’t much make it a habit of watching the mass of emails Stark Industries received from the general public.  But they all went through a sorting system Tony had set up and been flagged for her to look at.    
  
“Thanks, Hill,” Steve said.  “We’ll get out there ASAP, keep us posted if you find out anything else,” he instructed and Maria nodded before she closed the video call.  Steve was quiet as he stared at the now blank screen.  Everyone else seemed to take his lead and remained quiet themselves as the content of the call settled over them.   
  
Tony was the first to break the silence.  “You can’t possibly be thinking about meeting up with The Wonder Twins,” he said as Steve stood from the table.  Tony stood himself and turned to look at Steve.  “It’s insanity, Cap, they’re working with Strucker, we could be walking into another trap for all we know…”   
  
“They’re not working with Strucker,” Bucky said suddenly, interrupting Tony.  

Tony immediately stopped and looked at Bucky at the counter.  “Oh I’m sorry, you must have missed the part where they kept us distracted at an abandoned lab so he could go in and try to kidnap Alex…”   
  
“Tony.” Steve warned before the other man could get too riled up.  Steve’s glance moved from Tony to Bucky.  “What makes you think that?” he asked, not immediately dismissing the statement like Tony had, but still questioning it.     
  
Bucky glanced to Laura, she gave him an encouraging nod.  He let out a breath and pushed himself off the counter as he moved closer to Steve.  “When we were in the lab, she got in my head.  She _had_ me and she knew it.  But she walked away.  I could feel her, Steve,” Bucky admitted quietly and tried his damnedest to ignore the clear eye roll the words earned from Tony.  He took another step into Steve in an attempt to cut Tony out of the conversation a little.  “Something happened - I don’t know what, maybe she saw something or felt something - but she’s questioning Strucker.”  He paused for a moment.  “I know that much for sure.”  He held Steve’s gaze.  “I think we need to hear them out.”   
  
Steve watched Bucky as he talked.  He had known the incident with the twins had shaken Bucky, but he hadn’t expected that it went down the way it had.  He lifted a hand and rested it on his friend’s shoulder.  “Okay,” he said simply.  Bucky gave Steve a small smile and nodded.     
  
Steve’s hand dropped and he looked around the kitchen.  “Bucky, Sam, Tony, you’re with me and we’ll head in.  Everyone else stays here until we have a better idea of what’s going on.”  His gaze landed on Natasha for a brief moment and she gave him a nod.  “We head out in twenty,”  he instructed Bucky, Sam, and Tony before he moved toward Natasha.  He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and then headed out to say goodbye to Alex.   



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for your patience on this during this crazy time of year. We're almost at the end too!!! Two more chapters which feels a bit surreal. Thanks, as always, for all the lovely comments and support. You guys are the best.

Awkward would be an understatement as Steve, Sam, Bucky, and Tony, Wanda and Pietro gathered in one of Stark Tower’s briefing rooms.  The tension was thick between them all, weighted glances as they sat on opposing sides of the table.  Bucky for his part had elected not to sit, instead he leaned against the wall behind the chairs the other Avengers occupied. Pietro had done much the same, though where Bucky stood still, Pietro seemed unable to do anything but. 

Bucky watched Wanda closely.  She was calm, calmer that her brother who paced along the back wall of the room. But there was a spark there regardless. A fire that he could see raging just under the surface, a storm behind the deadly calm. And he was struck right then by how much it reminded him of Natalia. Natalia who’d had that same ferocious heart hidden under the mask they had made her wear.  The heart he had once been lucky enough to see in stolen moments while the world demanded them emotionless. Though these days she wore that heart very much on her sleeve. Or, he supposed, more accurately on the sleeves of Aleksandra and Steve. 

Wanda was beautiful. A fact that had barely registered their first meeting - it had been, after all, a little hard to focus on much when she had invaded his mind. But now that fact was more than evident. A thought he knew he probably shouldn't be having. She was young, younger than he had been when he'd enlisted. That enough should have quelled any lingering thoughts.  But he found himself thinking them regardless. Found himself enthralled by her face, the wide eyes that held such sway over him. Her hair that fell in soft curls, so unlike the tight styles that had been a staple for women in his younger days. Her hands, so carefully folded on the table, fingers adorned with rings and nails painted dark. 

His thoughts, against his better judgement, drifted to the moment she had been escorted into the room. All long legs, that damn little skirt and knee high socks that he was sure would haunt his dreams for longer than would be appropriate. How long had it been since he'd found a woman attractive in a way other than objectively. How long had it been since he had  _ wanted  _ like he wanted then. 

Wanda held his gaze for a moment, and they both seemed content to ignore the others in the room. The heavy tension that had settled over everyone was suffocating, and he found himself longing for a moment away from all of them. A chance to ask her the questions that had weighed on him since their encounter.  _ What had she seen?  What had she felt?  What part of the tangled mess that was his mind made her change hers?   _ He wondered if she had questions too. If she looked at him and  _ wondered _ the way he wondered. But he thought better of the idea. He wasn't worth questions, he wasn't worth wonder. 

He broke the contact and Wanda let her eyes fall downward for a moment before she looked at Steve.  She could see the wrinkle between his eyes as he looked at her -  _ assessed  _ her.  She knew what he saw, two  _ kids _ , much the same age he had been when he'd undergone his own transformation.  She folded her hands on the table. She supposed that maybe they  _ were _ \- kids. But then so was the great Captain America when he had let someone experiment on him. They weren't, at the end of that day, that much different than each other. And she could see the same thought pattern written all over his face. 

“We thought we did it for the right side too, for the record,” Wanda said plainly, breaking the silence. After all wasn't that the only  _ real  _ difference?  That Steve Rogers believed he irrevocably changed himself for the  _ right  _ reasons, and they had done it for the  _ wrong _ reasons. At least in the eyes of those gathered. 

Tony scoffed from his chair beside Steve. “Well your side was HYDRA so clearly your judgement was a bit flawed there.”

Pietro paused his pacing and gave the man a glare. “And you think your side is so innocent, Stark?”

Tony got up and moved toward Pietro. “We're a hell of a lot better than HYDRA,” he spat back. 

Pietro didn't flinch, nor did he make any move to stand down as Tony invaded his space. His eyes narrowed at the other man, his voice cutting when he spoke. “Depends on where you're standing,” Pietro said, his words short.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Sam interjected from his spot at the table as he turned to look at Pietro and Tony. 

Pietro didn't look at Sam as he answered, his eyes still narrowed at Tony. “How many lives do you think were lost because of you, Stark?  How many innocent people whose last sight was a Stark Industries shell?”

Tony stiffened at the accusation. There was nothing wrong in Pietro’s words, and nothing Tony himself didn't already know. “A lot,” he admitted. He couldn't deny that. “There are things I'm not proud of,” he offered Pietro. 

“That doesn't make it better, Stark,” Pietro seethed. His hands moved toward Tony, too quick for the other man to react and Tony stumbled backwards. He caught his footing and made a move to lunge at Pietro.

“Enough!” Wanda and Steve declared in unison. Bucky from his spot against the wall couldn't help the small smirk at it all. 

Tony moved back to his chair as Pietro moved back to Wanda’s side of the table. Steve waited until the flare up settled back into the heavy tension that had permeated the room before. His gaze settled back on Wanda. “Why did you contact us?” he asked. 

Wanda sat up a little bit straighter in her chair. She knew that the Avengers gathered before her would have no reason to trust, or believe, her words. Not that she blamed them.  She only hoped that they would find the truth in her words. “We want to help you stop Strucker,” she answered.

Tony scoffed, a move that earned a glare from Pietro. “Weren't you two  _ just  _ working for him two days ago?” he pointed out. 

“Yes,” Wanda conceded. 

“Pretty quick change of mind if you ask me,” Tony deadpanned back.

“Good thing no one  _ is  _ asking you then, old man,” Pietro spat back. On the other side of Steve, Sam had to press a hand to his mouth to hide the small chuckle. 

“Shut it, Wilson,” Tony said. 

“He does have a point though,” Steve said as he looked at Wanda. Of course it could have been said more tactfully, but the sentiment was there. Steve thought back to what Bucky had said earlier;  _ she's questioning _ . But he wanted to hear it first hand.

“We volunteered for Strucker’s experiments,” Wanda started to explain. “We knew what we were getting into and chose to the path we thought would help our country.”  She paused. “Your daughter would not have had the luxury of choice.”

Steve tried to stay neutral. But anger flared up in him at Wanda’s words.  Strucker had almost taken his daughter, and the young woman in front of him had been part of that plan. Logically, strategically, Steve knew he needed to hear her out, but it was  _ hard.  _ She had helped, she had distracted them while Strucker and his men attacked the Tower - had attacked Alex’s  _ home. _  What if they had succeeded, what if his daughter was now in the hands of a man who would use her for God knew what.  The very real fact that Strucker  _ still could _ get his hands on Alex weighed on him and twisted in the pit of his stomach.  Steve knew the man needed to be stopped, he knew logically that they needed whatever help they could get to ensure just that.  But that didn’t make it easy to accept.     


“He will not stop,” Wanda said simply, speaking to the fear that had already settled into Steve’s thoughts.  “You know that, Captain Rogers,” she added.  “And your friend knows what he will do if he succeeds,” she continued and lifted her gaze to Bucky’s.  The memories she had gleamed from his mind still weighed heavy on her own.  What had been done to him, what had been done to the poor souls HYDRA had tried to make in his image.  Bucky knew better than most that the damage Strucker would do with access to the serum that ran in Alex’s blood would have far reaching and terrible consequences. 

Steve turned to look at Bucky.  Steve knew he didn't know everything that had happened to Bucky in those years, and that he probably never  _ would. _  Bucky had wanted to move forward, and Steve respected that. So he didn't press, he just took the small nod from Bucky for what it was. Confirmation that Wanda was right. 

“Alright,” he said as he turned back to Wanda. Wanda nodded.  Beside him, Steve could feel Tony stiffen.

“Alright?” Tony asked, his tone astonished. “That's it, alright?”  He shifted to look at Steve.  “You can't possibly be asking us to trust them - ”

“Like I would ever trust the likes of you - ” Pietro interjected before Tony could even finish.

“Stop!” Steve interrupted the pair before they could get much further.  He stood up and looked around the room.  “I’m not asking you to trust each other,” he started, he knew that would be a tall order.  There were valid reasons for mistrust on both sides of the line and he knew that.  “Just - trust me,” he offered as a compromise.  He looked between Wanda and Pietro and then to his own team.  When it seemed like the group was okay with that he let out a slow breath.  “We roll out in the morning, until then everyone get some rest,” he glanced back to Wanda and Pietro.  “You two with me, I’ll take you to Maria and we can go over some details.”  They had their own intel on Strucker, of course, but Steve knew that what Wanda and Pietro knew might prove invaluable.     
  
Tony stood.  “I’ll have a suite prepared for you for when you’re done,”  he said tersely to the twins.   
  
“We do not need your hospitality, or your help, we will find somewhere to stay,” Pietro replied just as tersely.

Tony shook his head.  “It’s neither of those,” he assured Pietro.  “I’d prefer you somewhere where we can keep an eye on you,” he added and then headed out of the briefing room, followed by Sam.  Bucky lingered at his spot against the wall as Steve motioned the twins out of the room. Just before she left Wanda looked back in his direction. Bucky held her gaze and offered the girl a hesitant smile. One she returned before she turned and walked out of the room with Steve.

* * *

 

It was late by the time Steve finished talking with the twins and then taking what they had told him of Strucker’s base and formulating a plan for the mission. While Pietro still seemed hesitant to the idea of working with the Avengers, Steve felt comfortable with it regardless. Wanda seemed determined to stop Strucker, and though Pietro was cold toward them, Steve could see he held Strucker in even less regard.  And while the twins had volunteered, the little Steve could glean from their experience it hadn't been all sunshine and roses.  Which, considering Strucker was the kind of man more than willing to kidnap a  _ child _ , didn't surprise Steve too much.  And when the twins revealed their powers had been activated more by the scepter Strucker had taken from SHIELD (an item Maria immediately put on a retrieval list for their mission) than Strucker’s scientists themselves, Steve couldn’t help but think of the poor souls who had gone before Bucky and Wanda.

“You like them,” Natasha pointed out after a small lull in the conversation as Steve had fallen into his own thoughts. 

He rubbed a hand over his forehead and then let his gaze look back at her face on the phone screen. “Like might be pushing it,” he replied. He paused. “Tony thinks I'm insane for trusting them,” his eyes cast down and he sighed. He turned in the bed - hers in her suite because he was a sap and the sheets still smelled like her, and it felt more like  _ home  _ than his guest suite - phone in hand. “Maybe he's right,” he sighed out.  

Natasha mirrored his move so she was laying on her side too, the phone in the tiny space between her and Alex in the bed.  “Follow your gut, Steve, if you have faith in them there's a reason for it,” she said softly.  She paused and gave him a small smile. “You tend to be a pretty decent judge of character,” she pointed out. 

Steve shook his head with a huff of a laugh. “I don't know about that, I have about eighty percent of SHIELD skewing my numbers in the judge of character department,” he said with a small huff of a laugh.  He knew, of course, that there had been no way he could have known - no way that  _ any _ of them could have known about the way HYDRA had so thoroughly infested SHIELD.

Natasha shook her head a little.  “I think we can put that disaster in its own category,” she offered.     
  
“The intel they gave will make tomorrow easier,” he conceded.  Though there was still a tinge of hesitation to his words.

“See, reason for it,” Natasha offered.  She herself wasn’t too sure what to think of the twins’ sudden change of heart.  But Steve, even with the little bit of concern he had in the safety of their conversation, seemed to believe it.  She trusted him enough to trust that.  “It’ll be fine, Steve,” she assured him after a small pause.  

“I’d feel better if you were there to watch my back,” he admitted.

“I know,” she agreed.  They had already discussed it earlier.  And as much as Natasha  _ wanted _ to engage Strucker, to see him pay for what he had done, and what he had intended to do, to her daughter she knew it was better this way.  The Barton Farm was pretty far off the records, but that didn’t make it  _ completely _ safe.  She knew it would do no good to her, or Steve’s, focus on the field if they were even a little bit worried that the attack on Strucker’s main base would be nothing more than a distraction like the first attempt.  

“I was thinking…” she changed the subject.   
  
“Hopefully not too hard,” Steve retorted with a playful smirk.   
  
“Ass,” she replied but laughed softly.  “As I was saying, I was thinking about what you said last night…”    
  
“I said a lot of things last night, you might need to be more specific,” he teased her.     
  
“You’re such a little shit,” she smirked, “why do I even love you?”   
  
Steve huffed a small laugh.  “For reasons that wouldn’t be proper of me to say with our daughter in earshot,” he answered with a raise of his brows.  He sobered and nodded.  “So what I said last night, about how I’m going to marry you?” he prompted, his tone still light but more serious than before.     
  
Natasha smiled as her heart skipped a beat again at the declaration.  “Yeah, about that,” she answered.  She paused for a moment.  “What about the first weekend of September?  Before it gets too cold, we could do it here, at Clint and Laura’s… something small, I mean I know it’s soon and maybe that’s a crazy idea but I don’t want to - I don’t want to wait, Steve, I want us to be a family… officially...” she stopped before she could ramble any more, her stomach had turned to knots as soon as the words had fallen from her lips.    
  
“Natasha…” he started, to get her attention as she had let her eyes fall from his image in the screen.  She looked back up and he smiled.  The one she loved, warm and open, full of love for  _ her _ .  The one that took years off his features, turned him back into that punk kid from Brooklyn who had all the faith in the world.  “September it is,” he answered her.       
  
She grinned, a hand pressed to her lips.   _ They were getting married. _  She nodded a little, swallowed against a lump in her throat.  “But this doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, Steve,” she pointed out.  “You still haven’t  _ asked _ me,” she reminded with a small laugh.  

He ducked his head with a chuckle.  “Oh, I’m aware,” he assured her.  “I love you,” he said as he lifted his gaze back to the screen.  

“Love you too,” she answered.  “You should sleep.”   
  
He nodded.  “Yeah, I know…” or at least he knew he should  _ try. _  Though he figured it would be tough to get more than a few hours.  He never really could get much more than that before they headed out.  “Give Alex a kiss for me?”

Natasha smiled and held the phone out wide so she would be in frame as she leaned over Alex’s sleeping form and pressed her lips gently to their daughter’s cheek.  “Good night, Steve,” she said as she settled back into the bed.  Good night, not good bye.  They didn’t need to address the risk that was  _ always _ there.  They knew it well enough.  It didn’t need words, it was spoke in the way their gaze lingered just a little bit longer, in the breathes they each took to steady themselves.  To let it be more than that every damn time would only drive them crazy in the end.  So no, there was no good bye.  Just good night.

“Good night, Natasha,” he echoed and gave her one last smile before he ended the video call.

Steve let the phone drop to the pillow and he pushed himself out of the bed.  He knew he needed to rest, and he would.  But there was just something he wanted to do before that.  He moved through Natasha’s suite, a small pause in the doorway of Alex’s room.  He had  tidied up a little bit earlier, put the toys away that she must have been playing with when Strucker and his men came and they had to leave in haste.  He  _ ached _ to see her, but he knew if all went well it would all be over tomorrow and they could return to their normal.     
  
The lights in the hall illuminated as he stepped out of the suite.  Maria had done well in getting the Tower cleaned up quickly after Strucker’s attack, but still, the subtle colour differences where the paint was still drying on the patch jobs on the walls was a stark reminder of what had transpired just a day ago.  

Thoughts he tried not to dwell on as he moved toward the elevator.  He asked for the floor his suite was on and headed toward it once he arrived.  His things were in a bit of a disarray in the suite, he hadn’t really had much of a chance to organize since he’d moved back into the Tower.  More than that he figured there was some subconscious thought at play, that his move into the suite was temporary, a placeholder until he and Natasha had sorted out their relationship.  

He picked through a moving box and pulled out from its contents a shoebox.  The one that had stayed buried in the back of his closet since Natasha had left.  He opened the lid and flipped through the stack of photos, a movie stub from their first official date, boarding passes from their first trip.  Little mementos of the life they had built together.  His fingers curled around the small ring box in the bottom and he smiled a little to himself.  He flipped it open to look at the ring.  

Really he had known at his inability to let go of the ring that things would never be over.  Not really.  While he had pretended to have given up hope, to have moved on.  He had never been able to resell the ring, or to give it away.  He had held onto it through all those years.  Held onto  _ her. _  Even if he hadn’t been able to admit to it, the ring had been symbolic of the hope he  _ always _ had that she would come back.  

He pulled the ring out gently and turned it in his fingers, a small smile as the diamond setting caught the light.  Already the plan for  _ asking _ started to formulate and he slipped the ring back into the box.  He put it into the shoebox, placed the lid back on and carried the whole thing out of his suite with him.  

* * *

 

Bucky never could sleep much before a mission.  Nerves maybe.  Although sleep really wasn’t something he did much of in general anyways.  Like Steve, he didn’t  _ need _ sleep in the same way he had before.  His body ran well on a handful of hours here and there.  And the broken mess that was his mind tended to keep sleep from being an escape like it was for some people.  No, instead sleep was just inviting time to let his mind take over and play tricks.  A time to let all those thoughts he’d gotten better at keeping at bay during the day in.  So the late hours of the night tended to find him doing other things to keep himself occupied: working out in the gym, reading, catching up on a few decades of movies and music.  Or just simply wandering the Tower like he was that night.   
  
It was only by chance he wandered into the common area on one of the floors left for housing the Avengers.  All the suites had their own kitchens and living rooms, the common area more just reserved for group dinners and movie nights.  At this hour, the night before a mission, neither was really an option.  So when he was surprised when he heard the radio on as he approached, not loud by any stretch of the imagination but enough to catch his attention. He was even more surprised when he walked into the common area and saw Wanda, silhouetted by the light of the fridge. 

She hadn't noticed him yet and he briefly thought that he could just walk away. After all what would he even  _ say _ to her if he stayed. But he found himself unable to move. Lost in the curve of her hip as it jutted out where she stood. The little band of skin between her socks and her skirt. The curl at the bottom her hair.  Thoughts he knew he shouldn’t be having.  He leaned against the doorway and watched as she rummaged through the full fridge. 

“Are these any good?” she asked suddenly and he shot straight up as she turned, a bottle of some juice - something fancy that probably cost more than juice should ever have a right to cost knowing Tony -  in her hand. 

“I - uhhh.. I - “ he stumbled out and inwardly cringed at his inability to start a goddamn sentence. He moved closer to see what she had found, she held it out for him to inspect and he shrugged. “I don't know,” he started and rubbed at the back of his neck with a sheepish grin. “Never tried it,” he held her gaze and then moved quickly to grab her a glass from the cupboard for her. He set it on the island and sunk down onto one of the stools. 

Wanda sat across from him, pulled the glass close and then set about pouring the juice into it. If she was unnerved by his earlier lurking, she didn't seem to show it.  “Do you prefer James or Bucky?” she asked before the took a drink of the juice. 

He raised a brow at the question, at the whole situation really.  How she seemed content to just go into conversation with him despite his being a perfect stranger, save for the terrible, awful things she had found in his mind.  Things that should make a sweet girl like her run for the hills, not sit across from him, legs crossed casually and act like this was all just the most normal thing in the world.  “Either - “ his voice wavered and he paused, cleared his throat.  “Either is fine,” he assured her.  Steve and Alex were really the only one who used Bucky.  Most the team defaulted to Barnes.  Natasha seemed to flip between all three.  Though he did the same for her.   “How's the juice?” he asked. 

Wanda’s nose wrinkled. “A little too sweet,” she admitted. 

Bucky reached a hand across and grabbed the bottle. There was a small amount that hadn’t fit in the glass. He drank it in one long swallow. He nodded as he set the bottle down. “Agreed.”  It was something fruity, fruits that didn’t even exist back in his day.  At least in Brooklyn, he knew they  _ existed,  _ generally.  The choices people had now when it came to their food was enough to make his head spin.  He slid the empty bottle back and forth between his hands as he looked over at her. He was quiet for a moment, debating his next words before he spoke again. “Can't sleep?” he asked, his tone soft and concerned. 

Wanda shook her head.  “No,” she paused and took another drink.  She set the glass down and wrapped her fingers around it.  “I’m worried about tomorrow,” she admitted as she glanced down at her hands around the glass. 

“I would say that's only natural,” Bucky assured her. He watched as her fingers tapped against the glass, her rings making a soft clanking noise. “All of us still worry the night before a mission and we've been at this a lot longer than you,” although he tried not to dwell on just  _ how _ much longer. The idea making him feel like even more of a dirty old man than he already did. 

Wanda’s lips pressed together in a tight line. She lifted her gaze to his. “And if the mission wasn't the  _ only  _ thing I was worried about,” she began. “Would that be natural too?”  Her hands moved to rest flat against the table as she dropped her gaze again.

Bucky let the words sink in. The question that she was asking without  _ asking. _  The question she didn’t  _ have _ to ask because he knew.  He knew the way it felt to know that someone had taken advantage of you, abused you, used you for their own personal gains without a second thought to your well being.  And he knew damn well the way it felt to not know how to  _ let go of them _ regardless.  For weeks -  _ months _ \- he had felt lost without the Winter Soldier's handlers.  Even though he knew they had all be  _ wrong _ he still felt some sense of longing for it.  For the simplicity of being told what to do and when to do it - even if the what was more often than not something he’d rather not think about now.  He had become so accustomed to the hell they had inflicted on him that that hell had become his new normal.  The absence of it… had been hard.  Even with the support of Steve.  So no, Wanda didn’t  _ need _ to ask the question.  He  _ knew.  _   
  
He hesitated as his eyes fell to her hands on the table.  A silent war with himself because he didn’t  _ do this _ .  He didn’t make small talk with women in the middle of the night, he didn’t long to reach across and make contact.  He didn’t put himself out there outside of the small circle of people he had come to trust.  But his hand moved none the less to rest on top of hers.  A gentle squeeze of support, of camaraderie, of kinship for their respective checkered pasts.  Volunteer or not, what happened to Wanda was not that much different than what had happened to him, and he felt drawn to her because of it.  Or maybe it was in spite of it.  He wasn’t quite sure right then.

He ducked his head a little to meet her gaze that was still down.  There was a soft smile, he wondered if it looked as awkward as he felt.   While he had gotten the hang of being a person again around the people he knew, strangers were always a tad bit different.  Even if there was something about Wanda that felt inherently familiar in some way.  Like she could be viewed in that category, friend, despite them having just met.  “Even then,” he assured her.  She lifted her head and he followed suit.  His thumb rubbed against her skin, hers warm and soft.  “It’s okay to be conflicted, Wanda, it’s okay to not see him as  _ entirely _ the bad guy,” he continued.  “When the time comes, you’ll do the right thing and that’s all that matters.”

Wanda pulled her lower lip between her teeth for a moment as she thought over Bucky’s words.  “How can you be so sure of that?” she asked.

He shrugged.  “Because you’re here,” he pointed out.  She had done the hardest part already.     
  
Wanda smiled a little at that, her hand shifted under his and she let her fingers slide through his to give his hand a squeeze.  “Such faith,” she said lightly, even though his were words she did not take lightly.  “Thank you,” she said after a small pause.  Her eyes fell to their fingers intertwined, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips.  “I have to admit,  I was not expecting all of you to be so forgiving of us,” she said as her eyes lifted back to his.     
  
Bucky shrugged again.  “Someone once told me that sometimes the bad blood that exists between two men needs to be put away when the bigger picture could cause even worse damage,” he offered.

Wanda perked a brow.  “Steve?” she asked.

Bucky shook his head.  “No.  Stark,” he clarified and his lips pressed into a tight smile when she seemed surprised by the answer.  But her surprise faded into a warm expression, as though she believed right then, for the first time in a long time, that things would be okay.  Bucky held her hand a moment longer and then let go gently.  “You should try to get some sleep,” he suggested.  “After all, tomorrow you’re an Avenger,” he smiled at that.     
  
Wanda nodded as she stood.  She paused beside Bucky, a long gaze held before she leaned down to and pressed her lips lightly to his cheek.  “Thank you, James,” she said again, a coy smile on her lips, before she walked out of the common room.  

Bucky’s cheek felt flush where her lips had pressed against it, a smile that he was sure was on some verge of being stupid but that he couldn’t help.  He pressed his fingers to the spot gently before he reached across the table for the glass of juice and settled back into his chair with a content sigh.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> itsbeen84years.gif

"Second left and then third door on the right, Cap," Maria's voice echoed in Steve's ear as he made his way down the long corridor.     
  
The strike had gone to plan, better than plan really which was a rarity for them.  A chaotic mess of course, but at least it was a chaotic mess that they were all coming out the other side of so far.  Which was more than Strucker's men could say.  And, Steve hoped, Strucker himself.     
  
He'd broken off from the rest of the group once Tony had gotten Maria access into the compound's security system, using the mass of cameras against those they had been put in place to protect.  It had been easy at that point, to track Strucker.  To move their own forces through the compound and cut him off from his men.     
  
Steve followed the directions, his footfalls quick but quiet.  Purposeful.     
  
After all that Strucker had done, all he had  _ planned _ to do Steve was more than ready for this moment.     
  
Shield ahead of him he pushed open the door Maria had indicated and stepped into the control room.  The sudden sound of gunfire had him crouching down as shots ricocheted off his shield.  "Give it up, Strucker," he called out when the gunfire ended.  "You've got nowhere left to go," Steve pointed out.   
  
There was a laugh from the other side of the room and Steve slowly started to move in that direction, keeping low and with his shield out for protection.  "What are you going to do, Captain?  Kill me?" another low laugh and Steve crept forward.  "Doesn't really seem like your style," Strucker's voice pointed out from across the room.   
  
"Maybe not, but only one of us is getting out of here a free man," Steve replied. He stood as he rounded the other side of a bank of consoles to face Strucker, shield held out to deflect against shots he was sure were only moments from being fired.  "You're done, Strucker, it's over."   
  
Strucker fired again and Steve quickly darted forward into a roll, out of the line of fire and closer to his target.  He scrambled back to his feet and threw his shield, hitting Strucker's arm that held the gun.  The gun clattered to the ground and Steve took that moment to ambush the other man.  He launched at Strucker, forcing them both to the ground and Steve kept the upper hand.  A knee shoved roughly into Strucker's chest he looked down at him.   
  
"You tried to take my daughter," Steve spat at Strucker, eyes narrowed in anger as he stared down at the man who had tried to hurt his family.  The rage, the  _ anger _ he had been keeping at bay during the strike was suddenly there in full force.  It burned bright inside him and Steve saw  _ red _ .     


Strucker tried to laugh again, a huff of a noise with the way his breath was restricted.  He tried to push Steve off but Steve only shoved him down harder.  "You really think I'm going to be the last to try,  _ Captain _ ," Strucker sneered.    


Steve's fist connected with Strucker's jaw at the comment.  And again, and again as the words sunk in.  He knew Strucker was right.  He'd known it for weeks,  _ months _ .  A new kind of fear that had settled into his very bones since Natasha had shown up at his door.  The very real knowing that Alex was in danger simply by who she was.  Who  _ he _ was and who Natasha was.     
  
"Stopping me won't stop them," Strucker threatened.     


The words were effective and even though Steve  _ knew _ he was being played he still reacted.   _ Exactly  _  how he knew Strucker wanted him to.  After all, Strucker had  _ lost _ , all he had left to gain was pushing Steve to a breaking point.    


Steve grabbed his shield, took it in hand and pummeled it into Strucker's face, a sense of satisfaction growing in him as he heard the sharp  _ thump _ .  And again.    


Strucker laughed around a groan and spat a mouthful of blood at Steve's face.  Steve used the back of his hand to wipe it off.  "You gonna kill me, Captain?" he asked again, "bloody those hands and then go back to your precious little girl?" 

Steve all but growled and lifted his shield back again.  He was just about to strike it back down again when the sound of the door clattering open pulled both their attentions.  A cry of  _ Cap _ from Tony  _ Steve _ from Bucky as the pair moved quickly into the room.

"Steve... " Bucky said again as he and Tony moved closer to him and Strucker, both at the ready in case the situation turned south.  "You know no one would hold it against you after what he did," Bucky continued, eyes on his friend, his  _ brother _ , "but ask yourself… you really wanna go here?"

Tony glanced between Bucky and Steve from behind his mask.  He took a step forward.  "We got your back, Cap, however you want this to end."

Steve's arm didn't wave as he held the shield up, ready to strike back down.  He heard his friend's voices but didn't tear his gaze from Strucker below him.  He knew this decision was his and his alone.  End it now.  Or bring Strucker in and chance that one day he might find his way out of whatever hell hole Fury would toss him into.  And it wasn't as though he didn't trust Fury to do his damned best to make sure that didn't happen, it was just that the even the smallest  _ idea _ that it  _ could _ was almost more than Steve could bear.    


But he also knew Strucker was right.  He wouldn't be the last.  Did he really want to go down that path.  He wanted to protect his daughter, wanted that more than anything.  But Steve also wanted to be able to face his daughter.  Day after day.  To be the kind of man she could look up to.  The kind of man who wouldn't have that kind of blood on his hands.  And that was worth more than his own need for revenge.  He dropped his shield and curled his fingers around the front of Strucker's shirt.  Steve pulled the man up and closer to him, eyes narrowed as he regarded the other.  "You're not worth it," he said lowly and then slammed Strucker's head back onto the ground roughly, knocking him out.    


He stared down at the limp form below him for a good, long, moment and then pushed himself up to stand.  "Let's pack this up and go home," he said to Tony and Bucky.  "Call everyone in," he instructed Tony and he and Bucky moved to pick up Strucker.  

  
  


* * *

>   
>    
> 
> 
> ✉  Got Strucker.  Heading home.   
>    
> ✉  Roger that, Rogers. 
> 
> ✉  Did you just really…
> 
> ✉  Yes.
> 
> ✉  I love you.
> 
> ✉  I love you, too.  See you soon.

 

* * *

 

The flight back was significantly less tense than the flight over, even with their prisoner on board.  The mission had been a success after all.  More than that any lingering doubts any of the team had had still about the intent of the Maximoff twins had been put to rest.  It hadn't been a trap, they hadn't been betrayed.  The intel had been good and an integral part to their success.  Even Tony had offered, begrudgingly, a job well done to Pietro.    


Bucky moved through the jet to the back and looked down at Wanda where she sat on the small bench in front of the lockers.  He was quiet for a moment, not exactly sure what to say before he settled on, "you did good.  You and your brother both."

Wanda looked up at him for a moment and then down to her fingers laced in her lap.  "He needed to be stopped and we helped stop him," she said plainly.  As though uncertain if that was the  _ good _ Bucky had indicated.    


"Can I sit?" he asked and waited for her to nod before he moved to sink down onto the bench next to Wanda.  "It's okay," he started after another pause, his own gaze locked forward.  "If you're not sure.  If even though you know this was the right thing, the thing that needed to happen, if there's a part of you still that doesn't fully believe that," he added.  Lines were different for different people.  He got that better than most.  His line between right and wrong wasn't where it was when he'd been a dumb kid signing up for a war he didn't even understand.  And it sure as hell wasn't where Steve's was.  He'd started to come to terms with that.  Started to make peace with it even.

"Does it… go away?" Wanda asked and lifted her gaze to Bucky.  "The not knowing how much of you is  _ you _ and how much of you is what they wanted you to be?" she clarified.    


Bucky was quiet as he thought the question over.  Finally he turned his head to meet Wanda's eyes.  "I don't know," he admitted.  "It gets easier, sometimes.  After a while.  Easier to decide what's you and what's them… but it's still hard sometimes."  He glanced down and shook his head.  "Sorry, Wanda, I know what's probably not what you wanted to hear."  He looked back up at her and smiled a little.  "But having people - people you trust, people who you know are  _ good _ people, it helps."  It helped him at least.  A barometer for which to measure his own reactions.  A fall back that he knew would reign him in if he went too far down a path he shouldn't    


"And that's what this team is for you?" Wanda questioned.

Bucky nodded.  "Yeah.  I mean it wasn't at first.  At first it was mostly just Steve, but the others came around.  It took some time and there were some times when I think we were all ready to throw in the towel," he grinned a little at that one.  "But they're good people, they gave me a purpose again, gave me a way to make some good out of what had been done to me," he trailed off and turned serious.  "They could give that to you too, Wanda.  And your brother."

Wanda turned her head to look in front of them.  "We would need to think about it," she replied.    


There was another nod from Bucky as he stretched his legs out long.  "I wouldn't expect an answer without that," he assured her.  "Your lives are your own now, no one would blame you if you both just wanted to try to scrape together something normal after everything - but if you wanted to join us, we're here."

Wanda smiled softly.  "Thank you, James."

 

* * *

It was late by the time they landed back in Avenger's Tower and debriefed, handed off Strucker and headed their separate ways for the night.  It was with a lingering sense of deja vu that Steve walked through the halls of the Tower and made his way to the suite Natasha and Alex's suite.  And he was reminded of the first time he had done this after a mission.  All the uncertainty and the questioning he'd had.  All the confusion as to where he stood, what he was doing, all those feelings that he hadn't known how to place.  How far he had come since.  How far  _ they _ had come - as a family.    


He still had questions.  He still had doubts and worries.  He still had  _ concerns _ about the idea of being Captain America and Alex's father but it wasn't the same.  It wasn't as all consuming, it didn't feel like the same one or the other it had then.  It felt like he could do both,  _ be _ both.  That this family would never be normal anyways so he  _ needed  _ to be both.  To keep Alex safe, to keep Natasha safe.  And really, to keep himself  _ sane _ .  He had the means to protect his family and he fully intended to use them.    


There was another big difference this time too.  One that brought a grin to his face as the door was opened for him.  Natasha.  She leaned in the doorway, a smile on her lips as their eyes met and that contentment that he'd started to feel knowing that Natasha was his, that this family was his, washed over him once more.

"Welcome home, soldier," Natasha said lightly and Steve looped an arm around her waist as he pulled her into him.    


_ Home. _  It didn't matter that it was a suite in the Tower.  That half his stuff was still somewhere else.  That they hadn't even figured out if this was where they would stay or if they would find somewhere new.  Home wasn't the place.  It was the people.  Always had been.  And as his lips brushed over Natasha's, light at first and more demanding as she tugged him back into the suite Steve knew this was home.  Always had been and always would be.    


"How's our girl," he asked, breathless as they parted.

Natasha smiled again and laced her fingers through Steve's as she led him into the suite and down toward Alex's room.  The door was slightly ajar and Natasha pushed it open gently so Steve could peek in on Alex's sleeping form.  "Good," she answered as they stood in the door, arms looped around each other.  She rested her head on Steve's shoulder and watched their daughter.  "Excited to see her Daddy," Natasha added and looked up at Steve. 

He leaned down, pressed a light kiss to her lips and tugged her in close.  They lingered there for a moment in the embrace, glad to be together again.  Relieved that nothing had happened to prevent this moment from happening.    


"Let's go to bed," Natasha said after a moment and Steve nodded his agreement.    


He didn't know what tomorrow would bring.  He couldn't guarantee that what happened with Strucker wouldn't happen again.  But as Natasha fitted their hands together again and led him down the hall to their bedroom he knew with absolute certainty one thing.  That what happened, whatever life threw at them, they would face it together.  That their road here had been long and uncertain but the path before them was crystal clear.  They were partners, a team, a  _ family _ .  And that was all that mattered.

 

* * *

  
  


Three nights later Natasha found herself in the lowest levels of the Tower.  Holding cells that had been built into into the Tower for the kind of person contained in them now.  The man she stared at in the monitor from the security camera feed.  The cell was bare save for the stainless steel sink and toilet and a cot that jutted out of the wall.  The sight of Strucker ran her blood cold, made her feel sick to her stomach.  Brought up images of Alex, her  _ daughter _ scared and panicked as bullets rained around them.    


She didn't look up as she heard the footsteps approach.  She knew who it was.  Her eyes stayed locked on the screen, narrowed at the image before her.    


"You sure you want to do this, red?" Tony asked from one side.

"We can contain him," Fury pointed out on the other.    


Natasha gave the smallest of shakes of her head.  "He tried to take my daughter," she replied, her tone calm but both the men beside her knew that the kind of calm she currently exuded was nothing short of terrifying.  That it was absolute resolve and nothing less. 

Natasha's gaze only left the screen when she heard the soft clank of metal on the table as Fury placed a gun down in front of her.  "Would you do it?" she asked after a moment and looked up at Fury.  It wasn't a question being asked to talk her out of it, it wasn't a question whose answer would change her mind.  It was just a question.  Asked of the man who had seen her at her best and her worst, seen her through going from The Black Widow to Natasha.    


Fury met her gaze, and to most they wouldn't see the way his own softened.  But Natasha did.  That small little bit around his eyes, in the line of his mouth.  "I would."  He paused.  "I have," he added pointedly.  And Natasha immediately remembers.  The dozens of bodies left in the wake of her being taken what felt like a lifetime ago on a mission gone very, very bad.  The sheer anger in the eyes that now looked at her with nothing but understanding.  The moment she had realized that she wasn't just an  _ Agent _ to Fury.     


Natasha nodded and picked up the gun.  She knew she didn't have to, but it was habit that checked the chamber before she turned the safety off.  "No one tells Steve," she commanded as she glanced between the two men and then stepped into Strucker's holding cell as Tony reached forward to turn off the security camera, ensuring that there would be no record of what was about to happen in the room.

Natasha walked into the room, gun held at her side as she regarded Strucker with a deadly calm.  It was with purpose that her heels clacked on the tile floor, footfalls she could have made silent but she didn't want to.  An announcement of sorts and Strucker lifted his head at the noise.   
  
"You gonna finish what he couldn't?" Strucker asked with an amused tone as he looked at the gun in Natasha's hand. 

Natasha didn't answer.  "You tried to take my daughter," she said simply, though the was a venom in the words despite the calm delivery.

Strucker shook his head.  "So I've been told."

There was a pause, the silence heavy between them before Natasha spoke again as she took a few more steps towards Strucker.  "I'm not an idiot," she started, "I'm a realist and I can't even for a second believe that you will be the last to try.  I know the danger my child is in every second of every day from men like you.  Men who want to shape the world in their own narrow view."  There was another pause and Natasha lifted the gun to aim at Strucker's forehead.  "But my daughter is not  _ your _ pawn.  She never will be.  Nor will she be the pawn of all the small, little,  _ pathetic  _ men like you."

Strucker kept his eyes upward, on the woman who stood before him and even with the barrel of the gun trained on him he shook his head.  "And you also know that killing me won't stop any of them," he pointed out.

Natasha smirked.  "You're right, it won't," she conceded.  "But it'll make me feel a hell of a lot better after what you did," she added.  "And I am not going to allow even a  _ sliver _ of a chance for you to try what you did again."

Natasha knew, of course, that Steve had almost killed Strucker.  That the call had been left to him and he'd barely taken that step back.  And she knew why he did.  That despite all the ways they were similar at the end of the day her and Steve were still very different people.  Their ideas of right and wrong didn't always line up.  More than that Natasha had long since realized sometimes there  _ was _ no right and wrong.  There was just what you could live with.    


Her hands were stained red, always had been and always would be.  But it wasn't about wiping the red out, not anymore.  It was about  _ living _ with it. On her own terms. She could choose what she could and couldn't live with.  Could decide whose blood on her hands she could and couldn't live with.     
  
And Strucker's blood?  She sure as hell could live with that.  For her daughter.  
  
Natasha pulled the trigger without even a second thought and the sound echoed in the small room as Strucker fell forward.  Blood stained the wall behind him but it didn't bother her.  She had seen worse.  She lowered the gun and moved back out of the room.  Fury and Tony stood exactly where she had left them and she handed the gun back to Fury.  He took it from her and put it back on his holster.     


"I'll get someone in to clean up," Fury said to the both of them and then started out of the room as he pulled his phone out to do just that.   
  
Tony leaned against the edge of the console and looked to Natasha.  "I'll admit it, I'll sleep better knowing he's really gone," he said.  There was a pause and Tony stood back up, closed the gap between him and Natasha and laid a hand on her shoulder.  "You know in all the craziness I never did get to say thank you - for getting Pepper out of here that day."   
  
Natasha lifted her gaze to Tony and offered him a soft smile.  "You don't have to thank me, Tony," she pointed out. 

"I know, but I  _ want _ to," he pointed out.  "Thank you."   


Natasha nodded slowly.  "You're welcome, Tony."     
  
Tony smiled at her and dropped his hand.  He was quiet for a moment and then shook his head.  "I don't know how you do it, Natasha," he stated.   
  
Natasha raised a brow slightly.  "Do what?"   
  
Tony shrugged.  "This - all of it.  Be such a good mom with everything that happened to you -" he trailed off.

Natasha was quiet for a moment as she thought over the statement.  She knew what Tony was really getting at.  That it was more about his own apprehensions regarding his own impending fatherhood.  The fear that his own damaged relationship with his father would become a cyclical thing.  "Tony -" she started, "everyone has bad things that have happened to them," she pointed out.  "But you have a choice and that's yours and yours alone - whether or not you let those bad things affect the good thing.  Being a parent is fucking  _ hard _ ," she admitted with a soft laugh, a statement that got a smile out of Tony.  "But it's worth it.  Just - take it day by day," she advised, "live in whatever moment you're lucky enough to have that day and not in the ghosts of your past.  They're just that - ghosts.  Your baby, your and Pepper's child, is going to be worth so much more than ghosts."

Tony lifted his gaze back up at Natasha and nodded.  "You're a hell of a woman you know that right?" he asked lightly. 

Natasha grinned.  "Damn right I am," she teased back. "And don't you forget it, Stark," she added as she moved out of the room.  

 

* * *

 

"You look really pretty, Mama," Alex said as she sat on the bathroom counter and watched as Natasha put a final coat of mascara on her lashes.    


"Thank you, Malyshka," Natasha replied with a warm smile before she leaned down to kiss the top of her daughter's head.

"Can I be pretty too?" Alex asked as she turned a little to face her reflection in the mirror.    


"Aleksandra you're more than pretty," Natasha countered with that same warm smile playing on her features.  "You're beautiful."

Alex rolled her eyes and Natasha had a split second vision of the future yet to come and not for the first time did she realize that one day, she would have a  _ teenager _ .  God help her.  "Mama…" Alex whined out a little and turned back to face her mother.  "I mean make up pretty," she clarified and jutted out her chin.

Natasha laughed a little and dug through her make up bag on the counter.  "I suppose," she said with an exaggerated sigh before she pulled out some blush and a big brush.  Natasha's mother had never taught her make up.  She had learned in the Red Room.  All those endless days when she had been shaped and molded, broken and put back into something that barely resembled a real girl.  But she doesn't think of that then.  It's  _ there _ of course.  In the back of her mind.  These little memories that never leave.  These little fragments of a life she'd left behind.  But it doesn't bother her.  Not then.     
  
Instead she revels in this.  A moment to bond, to share.  To let the act of "being make up pretty" be just harmless fun because it  _ was _ . Something done between countless mothers and daughters, something  _ normal _ .  A memory that she hoped one day Alex would look back on with fondness. 

There's a look of seriousness on Alex's face as she holds still and Natasha is for the millionth time floored as to how beautiful her child was.  That sheer determination that was ever present that spoke in no uncertain terms to her parentage.  Natasha swirled the brush in the blush, tapped it lightly.  "Like this," she said to Alex and sucked her cheeks in to show.  When Alex followed suite Natasha gently brushed on a small amount of the blush.     
  
She dropped it back into her bag and pulled out a light lip gloss and swiped it over her daughter's lips.  "There," she said with a smile.  "Make up pretty."    
  
Alex turned to look at herself again and grinned brightly.  "Thanks, Mama!" she exclaimed and hopped off the counter.   
  
Natasha pocketed the gloss and gave one last check to her hair before she turned off the light and headed after her daughter, just in time to hear the bell.  Of course Alex was far faster at answering it than Natasha and Natasha was a few steps behind as Alex opened the door for Bucky.  And, Natasha noticed with a perk of her brow, Wanda.

"Hey, kiddo," Bucky said as he easily scooped Alex up much to Alex's delight and looked over at Natasha.  "I - uh - brought reinforcements?" he said sheepishly as Natasha's gaze was still on Wanda.     
  
It had been a few weeks since everything with Strucker and the twins had stayed in the Tower.  Even started to train with everyone and Natasha had, of course, not missed how Bucky and Wanda had started to gravitate toward each other.  This was new though.  This was more than just keeping each other company between drills and during breaks.  But it was…  _ nice _ .  Natasha liked the idea of Bucky finding someone. 

"I like your rings," Alex said from her perch in her Uncle Bucky's arms as she looked at Wanda, a soft smile on her face.     
  
"Thank you," Wanda replied, perhaps a bit shyly and Natasha smiled a little as she watched the younger woman tug off one of the many rings on her hands and tentatively slide it onto Alex's thumb.  A move that brought a bright grin from Alex as she showed it to her mother and Bucky in turn.     
  
"Looking good," Bucky said and started into the suite with Alex.     
  
Natasha hovered in the foyer as Wanda did.  They had talked of course.  Natasha still undecided as to what her future in the Avengers would look like but she'd been training with the team to help with that.  This was the first time however that she was around Wanda outside of the rest of the group.  Wanda was still something of an enigma to them all.  Pietro's brashness was somewhat easier to read in a lot of ways than Wanda's quiet.  But Natasha found herself taking a quick liking to the younger woman.  A kinship of sorts even if they hadn't really had much of a chance to talk.  Natasha knew what it was like to be someone else's pawn.   
  
"You might not get that back," she said of the ring with a warm smile.

Wanda gave a small one of her own.  "It's fine, I have too many anyways."  She paused.  "Is it - is this alright?" she asked and with that one question Natasha could clearly see how this must have played out.  Bucky dragging the poor girl along on some babysitting adventure that Wanda wasn't even sure she should be at.    


Natasha nodded.  "Of course," she replied.  "Probably better this way, you can keep Bucky from going with ice cream for a bedtime snack," she pointed out with a conspiratorial look and smiled as that drew a soft laugh out of Wanda.     
  
No sooner had the pair moved from the foyer into the living room did another knock sound on the door and Natasha actually managed to beat Alex this time.  She opened the door, a flutter of nerves in her stomach as she saw Steve.  Which was ridiculous and she knew it.  But it was nice just the same.  That he could still  _ do that _ to her, make her feel like it was all brand new every day.  Of course, the fact he looked damn good in those dark wash jeans and that leather jacket helped.     
  
"Hi," Steve said as they lingered in the door.     


"Hi," she replied, eyes bright as she looked up at the man she loved.     
  
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" came an excited yell as Alex launched herself at Steve, who easily bent in time to grab her and swing her up. 

"Hi, baby," Steve said with a laugh as Alex gave him a loud  _ smack _ of a kiss to the side of his face.     
  
"Uncle Bucky brought a friend to help babysit," Alex informed her father and then proudly showed off the ring still on her thumb.  "Look she gave me a ring."   
  
Steve glanced at Natasha with a raised brow who just smiled and shrugged.  "I see, that's a very pretty ring.  Did you say thank you?" he asked and Alex scrunched her face.

"I forgot," she admitted and Steve chuckled.   
  
"Go say thank you and be good for your Uncle Bucky okay?" Steve said and gave her a big hug before he passed her off to Natasha to do the same and say goodbye.     
  
Natasha had started to tug on her own jacket when she was suddenly pressed into the wall as Steve crowded into her, his hands slipping around her waist.  He smiled cheekily before he pressed his lips to hers, kissing her deeply.  Natasha slipped a hand behind Steve's neck, tugged him in closer and let herself give into the moment.  They were breathless when they parted and Natasha laughed softly in the small space between them.  "What was that for?" she asked lightly.

Steve grinned at her and lifted a hand to tuck some hair behind her ear.  He leaned back down and pressed a quick and chaste kiss to her lips.  "Because I wanted to," he answered and then pulled back as he laced his hand through hers.  "Ready to go?"

"Where are we going anyways?" Natasha asked as they moved out of the suite and towards the elevators.   
  
"It's a surprise," Steve answered with a chuckle.     


The surprise as it turned out was dinner at the Italian place they'd had their first official date in several years ago.  The same exact corner booth and the same bottle of red that Natasha had loved that night - or maybe it had just been  _ Steve _ she'd realized she'd love that night, the wine just a nice addition to the feeling that had taken ahold of her.  It was like that night all over again but yet so much  _ more _ .  Easy conversation and laughter.  And it had always been like that though she realized.  Easy with Steve.  Easy to forget the people they were to the public and instead to slip into the people they were with each other.     


How she had ever thought she could give this up she didn't know.  How she almost  _ had _ given it up… 

They got back on Steve's back and drove aimlessly through the city for a while.  Or at least Natasha had thought it was aimlessly, until Steve stopped and offered his hand for her to get off the back of the bike.  They walked for a little bit until Steve stopped them with a gentle tug on Natasha's hand.    


Natasha glanced around, trying to pinpoint why they would stop here.  Some random road, no traffic that time of the night.  But slowly it started to dawn on her and she turned to Steve with a grin.  "Is this…?" she asked as the familiarity of the location settled in.  She let go of Steve's hand and took a few steps forward before she looked back at him.  Suddenly it was eight years ago, and she could so vividly picture Steve as he had been then.   _ You sure about this? _ Asked as he had already started to move into position, already more than willing to go through with her absolutely insane idea.    


She smiled and moved back to Steve.  "This is rather sentimental of you, Rogers," she pointed out but the tone was nothing but light and teasing. 

"Yeah… well…" Steve started as he kept his gaze on her.  "I was told I still have to do this the proper way," he added with a grin and Natasha could feel those butterflies back in full force as she realized what exactly was going on here.     
  
Steve reached for her hand and laced their fingers together, a quiet moment as he looked at them before back up at her.  "I think I kind of fell in love with you a little here," he said with a soft chuckle.  "I woke up and everything was just - it was  _ hard _ Nat.  Harder than I thought it would be.  Everything I had known, everything I had wanted was…  _ gone. _  I didn't know what to do with myself, how to find a place in a world I barely understood and then everything went to hell and we were all thrust together into a fight I'm still not sure how we managed to scrape out of alive."  He paused with a soft grin at that.  "But in the midst of all of it I remember  _ this _ .  This moment here when for the first time since I'd woken up there was this little thought that maybe I could find something to want again.   _ Someone _ to want again."     
  
He dropped to a knee and Natasha couldn't help but grin at that, the formality of it.  The properness of it.  And even though she knew this was coming - she had after all  _ told _ him to propose properly even though they had a wedding date set - it still managed to feel unexpected and wholly exciting.     
  
"Natasha you've been my teammate, my partner, my friend and then so much more.  You gave me something to hold onto in those early days, even if you didn't realize it back then.  And you've given me so much more since.  I love you and our daughter more than I ever thought it was possible to love two people.  I love the life we're going to build together, the life that I can't wait to spend with you and Alex.  The life that I will spend every day of making sure you know how amazing you are, how strong you are and how  _ loved _ you are."  He paused to reach into his jacket pocket and pull out the ring box, he flipped the lid open and looked back up at Natasha.  "Natasha… will you marry me?"   
  
Natasha was sure her face would hurt in the morning from the smile that she could feel plastered on it.  She didn't care.  She was  _ happy _ .  That deep in her bones all encompassing  _ happy _ .  The kind of happy that she had never dreamt she could ever have.  But here she was.  With the father of her child on one knee and holding out a ring, asking to spend the rest of his life with her.  She knew her eyes were shining with the tears of happiness that had collected but it didn't matter.  It was  _ Steve _ .  The one place she had always felt safe to give into the emotions that ran deep.  She nodded.  "Yes, Steve, of course…  _ yes _ ."     
  
Steve grinned and suddenly she was swept up in his arms.  "I love you, Natasha I love you so much," he said and Natasha adored the sheer  _ happiness _ she could hear in his tone.  The knowing that - even after everything they had been through - that  _ she  _ had given that to him.   
  
"I love you too," she replied, her own voice filled with the same and she grinned as Steve pulled back to slide the ring on her finger.   _ Married _ .  They were going to get  _ married _ .  In all her wildest dreams she'd never thought her life would end up here.  A daughter, a man she loved who would be her husband.  Friends who had stuck by her through so much.  A  _ life _ that was more than worth living.  A life filled with more happiness and love than she ever thought she'd get, or deserve.  And for the first time she realized that maybe she did.  Deserve it. 

"Are you sure about this?" she couldn't help but ask though.  But the laugh and the smile had her words at being nothing but a sentimental call back.  A reminder of where they had started and how far they had come since.  Strangers who had been thrown together by some twist of fate, only to find everything they had ever needed or wanted in each other.     
  
Steve chuckled and pressed a kiss to her lips before he answered.  His hands cupped her face and Natasha basked in the love and adoration she saw in his eyes.  The excitement that mirrored her own at the journey they were about to start.     


"Yeah... It's gonna be fun...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to give a huge thank you to everyone who stuck with this and commented and gave me lots of love on this one. It's been a ride. I appreciate every single kudos and comment and anyone who took the the time to give this a read. Thank you so much for making this what it was and I hope everyone had as much fun reading this as I did writing it.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[fanart] This Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7716925) by [yixingsdimples](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yixingsdimples/pseuds/yixingsdimples)




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